Dark Park

Welcome Home Lainie

Hi Scrubber-Towners, it's Lacey and Stacey back again. We're your new roving reporters, remember?

This morning we went along with Lainie's family to meet her at the airport. She was just coming in from her extended overseas trip. Asteroid Air, who she used to work for, exiled her. They actually paid for her to stay out of the country. Can you believe that? We've never ever heard of that happening to anyone, except Lainie. Somehow, that girl always manages to land on her feet. Anyway, the Asteroid Air flight was an hour late, though that's doing well for them. Their scheduling is always up the creek. Lainie's younger brother and sister, the twelve-year-old twins Lenny and Lola, who both have ADHD, got really restless and were racing up and down the travelators like idiots, getting in people's faces and just about tripping them up. A Federal Police Officer told their mum to make them calm down, or else he'd have to ask them to leave the airport. Anyway, then we all went to have coffee and shortly after that, Lainie's plane had landed, so we all went downstairs to wait in the arrivals hall;  and waited-and waited.

Maybe Lainie's smuggled drugs said one of the twins loudly, like on telly.

Everybody looked in our direction. Someone should gag those kids in public places. They're totally embarrassing. After what seemed like hours of waiting, Lainie finally came out, accompanied by another Fed and rolling her eyes. He explained that Lainie had brought some weird kind of food in her luggage that she hadn't declared. There had then been a heated argument between Lainie and the customs officer, who absolutely lost it and up-ended Lainie's luggage over the floor. Lainie apparently had a melt-down and screamed at the customs officer, calling her a tragic old bitch with a rod stuck up her arse. Lainie was then questioned by the Feds for a while, until they finally decided to let her go, but with a two hundred dollar fine. Lainie's Mum had to pay. Of course Lainie didn't have any money left. As you can see, Lainie certainly hasn't changed. She's much too rebellious to have ever been a Flight Attendant, and we're gob smacked that she actually lasted a year.

Finally we arrived back at Lainie's house. Her brothers Lawrie and Lex had tidied up, sort of, by tying piles of mags and newspapers into bundles, which they used as seats. The twins had made a big Welcome Home Lainie sign and the boys had put up their Dark Park Demon footy team decorations. They said they couldn't afford anything else. Lainie didn't seem to care, as she was still in a foul mood. There were some unexpected visitors too; Lainie's Auntie Doris and Uncle Harold Brickyard, who, as it happened, had just recently moved into Dark Park from the country. They just thought they'd 'drop-in'. Stace and I totally hate people who drop-in. They usually manage to interrupt a good family fight or a vital telly programme, and the whole day gets stuffed-up. Doris said that they'd bought the worst house on the worst street. Well, we're not sure which one that would be, cos all Dark Park streets are the worst. Anyway, more about them later. Lex's new girlfriend, Sherree was there, sitting on his knee, looking sulky and bored. Because of the lack of proper seats, even the newspaper ones, the twins wanted to sit on our laps, but Stace and I aren't really into kids, so we told them we had bony knees. Stace went one better and said we both had an infectious rash. Of course then they wanted to see it.

Lainie's brother's idea of catering was to give everyone a can of beer and some rather soggy fast-food fries. The twins were given Coke. Doris had made somethings called Pigs in Blankets, which the twins made short work of and some sausage rolls. She wanted to heat them up, but Lainie's mum's gas oven had blown up the week before and the microwave was too dirty, so we ate them cold.

Lainie was too tired to talk, she said, and spent most of her time checking texts or tweeting on her phone. She looked totally out of it, comatose. We like that expression, which is one my boss Marisa at War Paint uses for Whitney and Britney, cos they stand around a lot, gazing into space. The only time Lainie smiled was when she received a tweet from Janie in LA. Finally though, Lainie fell asleep sitting up and fell backwards like a roosting bird that had died. Lainie's mum cleared a path through the debris in the house for Lainie to go to her old bedroom. The twins asked what Lainie had bought for them, but Lainie just mumbled later, guys and collapsed onto her bed, and the twins stomped off, sulking.

 Doris and Harold  were about to head off to the Dark Park Tavern for more drinks. Lainie's mum said the boys would go; but Lawrie said he had a sore ankle and Lex said he had Sheree sitting on his knee and couldn't get up. So Doris and Harold went after all and purchased more bubbly, and beers for the boys,  as well as lamington fingers and stale buns from the Stinky Deli, so we kind of had a party without Lainie. Apparently Lainie wants to do a beautician's course at the new Delfine's Academy of Beauty in Scrubber-Town. Stacey, who already goes there, is going to take her along next week to see about applying and maybe getting an interview. She has warned Lainie that Delfine is a two-faced old dragon, but who's often absent because of having frequent plastic surgery and taking too many smoke breaks outside.

We left after copious glasses of bubbly, and had to walk home, because we were off our faces.

PS:  We totally forgot to give Lainie the message from Dr Una. Dr Una tweeted; she's really old but always likes to be seen using the latest technology, that she'd planned a welcome home party for Lainie at Scrubber-Town, but that she was at a work conference in Fiji. There is some kind of coup going on there, whatever that is, and no-one is allowed to leave the country. So Dr Una is stuck there. We wouldn't be complaining about being stuck in Fiji; some people have all the luck.

Talk to you later. We'll tell you about Delfine's Academy of Beauty.

Luv youse all,

Lacey and Stacey.xx

We had to come up with something that made these newsletters ours. Some kind of signature that people recognise as Lacey and Stacey. Something different to Lainie  and Janie, so we came up with a big glamorous sign-off, which we'll always use in future too.

Do you know what the food was that Lainie was carrying and didn't declare? It was a pre-packaged Toad-in-the-Hole as well as pre-packaged Yorkshire pudding.If youse don't know what they are, you can look them up on-line, cos we're not too sure either.