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Review by Sunshine: So Much Was Never Too Much

Title: So Much Was Never Too Much

Author: pillow_secrets9

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3/5

Overall, I think your summary is pretty good – it introduces the protagonist, the setting, and briefly hints at the conflict while giving enough context to help us understand the direction of the story. In that regard, well done! I think you've got a pretty solid summary. However, I did find a slight lack in cohesion, and also, I found that you could have fleshed it out a lot more.

First of all, when you speak about Aashna's death, you mention the whispering blabbers. What are these whispering blabbers? How will it influence the story? What will it be about and why should we be concerned? And then, what does the mysterious tattooed boy have to do with anything? How does he link up to the whispered blabbers? Why is this significant? Why should we want to care about it? What are the stakes – what could possibly go wrong?

Right now, with those questions unanswered, the summary feels a bit clunky and vague, without giving a better and personalised taste of what your story contains.

Grammar: 3/5

Your punctuation was spot on! However, in terms of phrasing and sentence structure, I feel like you could use some work – there are a lot of missing words in your sentences that make your story lack cohesion. Let's go through some examples:

Suicide note might be helpful to learn the reason of the dead.

It should be:

A suicide note might be helpful to learn the reason of the death.

Another:

That was three years ago when they were in their tenth standard. They mean Sarah and Reyna.

I think you meant:

That was three years ago when they were in their tenth standard. They meaning Sarah and Reyna.

Another:

Sure, there going to be a lot of people she hasn't known of and it feels, not for the first time, dumb of her...

It should be:

Sure, there are going to be a lot of people she does not know, and it feels, not for the first time, dumb of her...

Next:

"But you'll half way through," Sarah says insistently.

Consider:

"But you're halfway through," Sarah says insistently.

Another:

It maybe a dream, with the hanging memory of satisfaction at the food choice.

It should be:

It is maybe a dream, with the hanging memory of satisfaction at the food choice.

Those were scattered throughout the chapters. Additionally, here is another type of error you made:

"Got any noodles pack in stock?" She hears Sarah ask.

Because the 'she hears Sarah ask' is a verbal tag and is still part of that sentence, you don't need to capitalise the 'she'. It should be:

"Got any noodles pack in stock?" she hears Sarah ask.

Characterisation: 3.5/5

Something I really liked about the characterisation was that clear juxtaposition between Sarah and Reyna. Sarah felt like a free spirit, very lively and loved, literally coming along and riding a scooter, and it contrasts against Reyna – who, while is still rebellious and daring, almost seems slightly shackled by her fiercely protective mother. Really well done!

There is an instant interest between David and Reyna, and I like how well you showed this with their constant awkward eye contact moments in the cafeteria and the warmth she feels when he looks at her. I'm also super intrigued by this tattooed boy, who keeps popping up, and with her noticing she's being stalked, it adds a whole new element of complexity and conflict for her to deal with – very excited to see how she develops from here!

I do think that your characterisation was a big rigid at times, and that's because you sometimes did a bit too much telling and not enough showing. Here are some examples:

She's furious, and then there's also anxiety gripping at her heart.

What does it feel like to be furious? Describe it for us – would her face be mottled red? What would it feel like on the inside? What thoughts would be rushing through her mind?

Reyna is startled that he chose not to sit with her, but she's hungry and so she concentrates on the food with passion, even tearing open the sauce packet with teeth.

How can you show us that she's startled? Does she flinch a bit? Frown? Stare him down with her gaze? Find a way to show it to us, so it's more idiosyncratic to your character.

Writing Style: 3/5

I think, at times, you have very sophisticated and poetic writing! I love some of the adjectives you employ, calling a backpack guilty or even using such whimsical phrases such as "timeline is nothing but the insipid fill of usualness" – I congratulate you on weaving your ways in a way that is very individual.

However, I do find that your story lacks a bit of cohesion. First of all, as spoken about in the grammar section, you're missing a lot of words that make your sentence lose fluency, but even in some other aspects, there's a bit of rigidity.

Sarah deliberately grins, strapping helmet to her head. "What's the fun then," she says, starting the scooter. She takes a U-turn and Reyna then takes a seat. "I knew you'd love it."

"Fuck, this is amazing!" Reyna can't help the laugh escaping her throat, because there's a whole bazaar of Ranganathan street hustling around but she can't keep from letting out an expletive in excitement. It feels so liberating to roam the city's road like this after a long time with her best pal.

So, over here, there was a really quick jump – like, we see Reyna take a seat, and then she's laughing and they're roaming. But what does that feel like? Show it to us! Show us the wind, the sounds of the commotion around them, the adrenaline – that would make the moment more memorable and impactful. Right now, it feels like too big of a jump.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I have to say – your prologue was powerful. It was short and dramatic and made an impact.

I think your story has some really nice contrast, with the way Reyna is settling into biochemistry class and preparing for the future, but then additionally going back to dig through some of Aashna's stuff to ruminate on the past and understand what happened to her.

So far, the story has a very good and steady pace, which is easy to follow and fluent between chapters. It's hard to judge the whole story right now, since we're only twelve chapters in, but so far, after finding the book with the poem (Palace of Illusions) which some interesting words such as knife, kidnap and acid – it feels like we've hit a turning point.

It looks like there may be boy troubles that led to Aashna's circumstance, and it is a nice reflection on Reyna's own life because it's almost foreshadowed by what her mother thinks about everything and the way that Reyna, herself, has this fierce protectiveness over her friend Sarah. Now that she's found that intriguing phone number and has given it a message, I'm so excited to see what happens!

OVERALL SCORE: 16.5/25

Overall, a really strong idea! I think you've got some impactful moments in the story, however, you need to work on phrasing and cohesion. Once you've got that smoothened out, you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!