Momma's Little Soldier

Chapter 30

It had been two days since the trial and Max decided that today is the day we take the final test to finish initiation, thank god because I want this training to be done and over with, I want to be a leader already. I got to go back to the dorms, which was nice, but it wasn't the same as staying at Eric's, maybe I'm just used to sleeping in a comfy bed? Oh why am I even lying to myself, I know it's because I'm not with him and since I'm not with him, I don't want to sleep so I don't get nightmares because if I get nightmares the one person that I want to help me is him. God this man has such an effect on me and it's driving me crazy.

Every initiate sat in this waiting room, waiting for our names to get called. We all pretty much kept to ourselves, all of us nervous about going into our Fear Landscape, but I was the most nervous, I haven't gone into my Fear Landscape since last week and after what had happened, who knows what might've been added. "Handle it like a Dauntless would," I mumbled to myself as I chewed on my lip. Everyone has already gone, leaving me sitting in this waiting room alone and giving myself a borderline panic attack, luckily that stopped when the door opened and Four looked at me, "Ash." Let's do this. I got up and followed Four into the Fear Landscape room, all of Dauntless's leadership was here, chasing amongst themselves, "Remember what I told you, slow it down a little and handle each situation as a Dauntless would. You've got this." Four's voice was low before he started walking away from me. When I approached the metal chair in the middle of the room, I sat down on it and Tasha walked up to me, "Be brave Ash." Looking past her, I finally got to look into Eric's eyes for a moment before she injected me with the serum and I passed out.

I woke up in my old room back in Erudite, it was dark, and the only source of light was coming from underneath the door, I'm not even surprised, let's get this over with. Looking around the room, everything looked exactly how I left it; I ran my hand across my wall for a moment and took a deep breath in to get ready until I turned around when I heard the door open, "Sasha, go back to bed. I promise that nothing it's not going to hurt you." Again, it was nothing, but a silhouette. A flash of light lit up the room for a second and when I turned around, I was outside in on the open field. Right on cue, the lightning struck just a couple of feet away from me and I took off in the opposite direction to try and find some shelter. I was cut off when lightning struck just inches away from me and I stopped myself, the only way I can face this fear is if I just let it strike me, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and looked up at the sky; watching as the lightning came straight towards me.

I gasped for a moment as I checked my surroundings, the elevator again, my body jerked to the side for a second as I felt it shift. I moved myself to the front of the elevator and started pressing the open doors button with one hand while beating the door with the other, "Someone help me!" The elevator shifted again and I stumbled backward. Pressing my hand against the door one last time, I knew there was a better way to get out of here; my eyes darted all over until I found my way out of here, the escape hatch at the top. Quickly jumping up and pressing my body against the wall, I opened the hatch and climbed out. When I got on top of the elevator, I watched as the wires started breaking, I jumped on them and watched as the elevator snapped off the wires, plummeting straight down into the void.

The room became pitch black and I knew what fear I was in... spiders. Though this fear always comes after my fear of being a failure so I don't know why it's jumping around. Out of all the fears, this one I know how to handle and finish quickly. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, feeling the spiders slowly crawl up my body, one by one, and just like that the scene changed.

When I opened my eyes, I was surrounded by water and everywhere I looked there was no land in sight, nothing but ocean. The water was calm as I was moving my legs to keep me afloat, but that didn't last long as the water started to wave. At first, the waves were tolerable and easy to just stay where I was until the waves got bigger and bigger. I looked away from where the ways were coming from and started swimming in that direction, I know I'll get to land if I just keep swimming. I glanced over my shoulder to see a wave about to crash down right on top of me and before I could start swimming under the water, the wave hit me and took me down, not giving me a chance. Feeling the lack of air in my lungs, I tried to move away from the crash point as fast as I could so I could come up for air. I got my head out of the water and took a deep breath before going back under to avoid the wave, I started swimming in the direction I was going, coming up for air for a quick second before going back under until I finally reached land. Crawling up the shore, my body collapsed on the ground as I steadied my breathing.

Eric's place? Why am I in Eric's apartment? This has never come up before... "You've failed me," my body turned to face Eric, "you've failed all of us." What is going on here? "I don't understand," I told him. "You're weak, pathetic, and you don't deserve to be here anymore. You have failed." Now I know what fear I am facing. I will admit, hearing those words come out of his mouth hurt a little bit more than they should. "What kind of person, like yourself, let someone attack you and break you as they did? You told yourself you wouldn't cry and yet that's what you did, you cried in front of me thinking that it was going to make you strong, it didn't. You moped around here for days and not once did you think to put yourself back together, you're pathetic and I want you gone." This doesn't make any sense, I know this isn't real, but something isn't adding up here. "Gone? You want me to leave?"

"If I could leave this place I would, but I can't. If I could abandon you like everyone else has, I would, but unlike you, I'm not a pathetic coward." I could feel the tears form in my eyes, I was understanding perfectly now. I watched as he opened up the front door to his apartment and my breath got caught in my throat, "You want me to leave just like that?" I asked, trying to blink away the tears. "The longer you stay, the more people you will hurt, and that includes yourself. You're nothing but a burden and I don't want you here anymore Ash, leave." I walked over to the door and stopped myself from walking through the threshold. I know I am scared that people are going to leave my life, I know I'm scared that people will look at me and see a failure, and I know my very existence might get myself and others around me killed, but I am not going to let that stop me anymore. I am tired of living in that constant fear. I turned my body towards Eric's sim and let the tears start falling, "If you want me to walk out this door, fine, I will, but I will not let you make me feel sorry for myself. It's not pathetic to show people that you're hurt, because the right people won't look at you as someone who is weak, they will look at you as someone who is strong enough to admit they need help. I am not sorry that I showed you the worse side of myself and I will not apologize for who I am. If you want out of my life, then that's okay, but you promised me you wouldn't let me do this alone." "I lied." That's all he needed to say to make me want to stop all of this. I let out a shaky breath as I repeated the words over and over again in my head... This isn't real.

I opened my eyes and felt a couple of tears fall down my face, guess some of my tears from my sim carried over to the real world, where no matter how hard you try, you can never truly get over your fears. Tasha helped me out of the chair and walked me out of the room, I tried to keep my posture tall to show everyone that I was okay, but my eyes were a dead giveaway that I wasn't. I quickly looked over my shoulder to make eye contact with Eric, who had nothing, but pain written across his face. My fear hurt him, just like it hurt me. As I walked to the dorms, my mind started thinking about if I pulled it off, if I fooled them and if I still claim that top spot. Unfortunately for us, we have to wait until dinner tonight to figure it out, but the butterflies started to form in my stomach as I realized that after tonight I will finally become a full-fledged member here in Dauntless. Not just Dauntless, but in this crazy society we are living in. When I walked into the dorms, I saw that my friends were standing by mine and Firefox's bunk and I walked over to them as I laid my head on Jordan's shoulder, "How is everyone?" I sighed out as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder to comfort me. "I think we can agree that we are happy we no longer have to do that anymore," Tucker said relieved.

"What jobs are you guys thinking about taking?" Tom asked, trying to change the subject. We all exchanged looks and thought about it, well they thought about it, but I already knew what I wanted, "Depending on where I fall on the board, I think I want to try for a spot in Intelligence." Typical Jordan response still has that Erudite mentality with him. "I was thinking about going to the fence, heard they are a bit understaffed, plus that means a few weeks out of Dauntless each month," Tucker explained and Tom agreed with him. "I might go work in the Infirmary and help train during initiation next year. I was talking to Lauren and she said she might need the help." I could definitely see Sonja work in the infirmary helping people, that might be because of her Amity kindness. All eyes fell on me since I haven't answered them yet, "Umm, I actually haven't thought about it." Big fat lie. "Oh come one Ash, with your top spot during the first stage, I can almost guarantee that Leadership will want you." If only you knew Tucker... If only you knew. "I mean... it has crossed my mind before, but that's up to Leadership," I explained, trying to be cool about it. "You know, normally Dauntless Leadership has five people, but for the past couple of years, they've been down a person. Something about looking for that right person, maybe that person can be you." All I did was give them all a half-smile, hoping they would just drop the topic altogether, I hated having to live this double life.