Monsters in the night

7

Dec stared at Ant blankly, trying to put everything into place. The tears were still on the edge to fall, he felt how his time slowly faded; he probably had two more minutes before breaking down. Ant was already one step further. He had given up holding his tears back, they were cascading down his cheeks in a silent way, leaving nothing but faint tear-tracks.

"You knew it?" Dec's voice trembled; every word seemed to be covered in barbed wire, it was cutting through his throat painfully. Ant squeezed his eyes shut. "I didn't know", he whispered, "but I should have known. Saturday night... I started to feel uneasy without an obvious reason. It wasn't something wrong with me but... with you."

His big, blue eyes looked directly into Dec's, mirroring the pain and the desperation almost as hard. "Declan..." He seemed to search for the right words. "What do you need? What can I do right now to give you only the slightest bit of comfort? What do you want me to do?" These gentle words melted away the time Dec had given himself; he felt himself edging closer to breakdown with every second. Opening his mouth to talk seemed impossible. Eventually, he managed to force half of a sentence out.

"Can you just... please...?" He raised his arms weakly, his whole body longing for comfort, yet he wasn't sure if he wanted to be touched. He was scared of every touch while he was one hundred percent sure that all he needed right now was a comforting hug of his best friend.

For some weird reason, Ant knew exactly how Dec felt. And as much as he just wanted to take his best friend into his arms and never let him go again, he knew that this was possibly the worst thing to do. So he decided for resting his hand on Dec's shoulder for the start. "Tell me whenever it get's too much, I won't be angry, I promise", he whispered as he slightly squeezed Dec's shoulder. He saw Dec's bottom lip trembling and how his friend worried it with his teeth, he saw the tension of Dec's body and he could almost hear the agonizing thoughts that must circle through his head nonstop.

"You are not weak, Declan." Ant's voice trembled with seriouseness and Dec looked at him, unwillingly surprised. "In fact you are the strongest person I know. With everything you have gone through..." Ant gulped, quickly regaining control over his own emotions. "Nobody but you knows what you have managed in your life, only you are aware of all the odds that have been in your way. Nobody has the right to call you weak because you are everything but that." His voice trembled at the word "weak", but he gained passion from that point on. Looking into Dec's eyes wasn't as hard anymore because he knew what he was telling was the truth.

"You have fallen many times in your life, Dec, and probably the times you fell the hardest nobody was really there to pick you up. And still, you kept on fighting and you got up, you welcomed the bruises and scars as long as you could go on your path. You haven't lost your smile throughout everything that has happened and that is not only admirable but that is the definition of strong. So whatever this... this maniac told you, you better get it out of your beautiful head really fast because it's all not. true. You have gone through a lot, also alone. And you are here today which only proves that you get on on your own - maybe not as good as with me, because we simply don't get on well without each other - but you did. You got up, and got up, and got up. You are strong, Declan Donnelly. Nothing in the world could ever change that!"

Dec tried his hardest to understand everything that Ant was saying which turned out to be really hard when he was crying throughout Ant's whole monologue. The tears squeezed themselves out, burned a painful path through his throat and made his whole body tremble with pain and emotion. Everything was crashing around him now; it felt as if the sky would finally fall down and bury him unter its dark blue weight.

For the first few seconds Dec tried to hold it back, to compose himself and to force the tears down, but then he gave in to the long overdue breakdown. He barely even noticed how Ant replaced his shy hand with his arm around his shoulders, guiding him carefully into a half-hug and holding him upright the same time. The gentle words that his best friend whispered non-stop never reached his ears, they didn't need to; he knew they were there, Ant was there and that was enough.

"What can I do?", Ant whispered again, still keeping a respectful distance. He didn't want to break through Dec's comfort zone. Dec looked up to his friend, eyes filled with unshed tears, heart aching with every beat, but an odd, warm feeling of thankfulness and comfort spreading in his bones. "Just hold me", he answered, voice as quiet as Ant's. "Just let me rest with you... stay with me... just be there." And finally, he melted into Ant's touch. Rested his head on his best friend's chest, allowed Ant's strong arms to wrap around him carefully and inhaled the calming smell of Ant's cologne. And then he cried.

The tears that were shed in this night were the most truthful tears that the two men had cried in a long time. They had started fast and hot, painfully cutting and fighting their ways, coming along with surpressed sobs and hitched breaths. No words had been shared, only careful touches, comforting strokes and understanding glances. The fast tears had slowly faded into slower, colder ones, tears that left thick stains, made the face blotchy and red and came along with a choked voice when you tried to speak.

During this period, they talked. The words that had waited throughout the hard crying before were coming out and they talked long and deeply. Scratched scars they had always been scared to touch. Opened old wounds of which they hadn't known they were still bleeding. They touched points deeply in their hearts that hurt and felt wonderful at the same time. Eventually, Their eyelids became more and more heavy and the exhaustion of the past hours and days started to get to the two men.

Dec looked up to Ant, having difficulties to focus on his friend's face. "Are you staying?" A warm smile spread across the tired face of the man. "Of course", he answered quietly. That was the needed encouragement. Dec snuggled up against Ant and the couch and for the first time in a week he felt like the sleep might actually bring relief and rest. He listened to the breaths of his best friend, felt his warm embrace around him and slowly drifted away into the heavy sweetness of sleep.

Ant didn't sleep that night. He flicked through TV channels with low volume, stared at the pictures at the walls and thought about the conversations they had had. About the hot tears and the desperate worries, then again the laughter that made them cry. Ant looked down on his sleeping best mate and a wave of thankfulness washed over him. He was blessed with the best person by his side that heaven could have given him. He was blessed with the trust that allowed him to see both; the bright laughter and the crying as well. 

As his hands carefully caressed Dec's hair and he heard the even breathing of his best friend he knew that he would do everything to keep this little person safe. He would give everything up in order to alight the night for Declan Donnelly. And the most comforting thing was that he knew that Dec would do the same for him.