Chase You

47; camping IV

It was bright as we headed back to our camping ground. There was, in fact, a minibus available so we shouldn't have had to do trek to the activity in the first place.

We all booed and jabbed at poor Tim. He sunk into this seat, rolling his eyes.

"Flynn!" My dad cried dramatically, his hands tightening around my shoulders as we approached our chalets. "Did you enjoy it?"

"It was definitely something." I smiled, "I was being ridiculous earlier."

"I'm glad. Anyway, boys, time for lunch." He announced and patting my back, but sometimes I don't think he realises his strength so I stumbled forward at the impact. All of us jogged toward the food, looks like we were having hot dogs.

Everyone was immersed in conversation about the zip lining and the water activities that some of the others did while we were gone. We had the afternoon off today, the only thing planned was some rest and relaxation. The weather, although chilly this morning, was starting to get warmer.

"Well, time to change into my shorts." I announced, as I finished the last of my lunch. I lay my plate to the side and headed into the chalet. I didn't really need to change, well, at least that wasn't the main reason. I just needed a break. This morning was tiring, my limbs hurt and I had blisters all over my palms.

I jumped into Ben's bed, and just stared up at the ceiling, hugging the cat shaped cushion we had bought from Ikea a while back for our future university flat. I didn't see it last night because it was dark, but now I could vividly see the details of the cat's face.

The silence was welcomed. Usually, I did not enjoy silence, because my thoughts would be so loud that I'd feel like my head would explode. They weren't always bad thoughts, and It wasn't just when I was having an episode, it was all the time, and that is why I liked having Ben stay over and sleep with me.

My racing thought tended to calm down a little when he was around, because I'd get caught up in all our adventures together, and fantasise about our future - I've been to university, but it was only for a short period, so I very much enjoyed thinking about cooking together, doing pub quizzes, and studying during the day so that we could veg in front of the television in the evening watching our favourite shows.

When I wanted to give my brain a rest, I could just turn over to face him. Through tired, groggy eyes, I could see the highlights of his features as the moon and the lamppost outside my bedroom shone through the curtain. I could see that his nose had the perfect dip, and his forehead always had wrinkles as he slept. I had his whole face memorised, but I still continued to trace with my fingertip just inches from his face.

Like I said, it didn't get rid of all the thoughts, but it was something.

I could feel an episode coming. I knew it was coming. It had been a while, I was starting to get anxious about its arrival and even doubted at one point if this was all a dream and whether I even had cyclothymia.

It frightened me because I couldn't pin point when it would exactly arrive, just that it would greet me when I open my eyes one morning and cloud my brain for as long as it wanted to. It was some sort of shadowy, ghostly figure that you swore you saw with your own eyes, but when you look again, it's gone, and then you get so paranoid about it's return because that was it, you know it was coming for you.

I was still newly diagnosed, and adjusting to everything all at once. My doctor had mentioned that eventually I would be able to make better predictions because my illness would just be on rinse and repeat, continuously changing but in a consistent cycle, but right now, I was still in the midst of tracking what my cycle was. Sometimes I was lucky enough to be fine for two weeks, but other times It was only for a few days.