Enigma

The burning questions

Playlist:

I'm fine - BTS

Lie - Jimin

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"you say that I'm strange when

I changed into the person you liked

You say I'm not the

person you used to know"

                                - Min yoongi

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Unedited**

Now that I've ranted out a brief introduction (which was hardly any), I guess you have a lot of questions. Like who the hell I am and what am I ranting about. Or why am I ranting? 

Well, that doesn't really matter. Whoever this is, they've got things to say. And that's what is important.

Now, I guess I should start to rant like always. 

(A/n: Forgive me for the cringy writing. The things she says here are pretty random but that's what she feels. Unveiling what she has in her heart that was trapped for a very long time and when it bursts, it has no order on which way it flows)

I do have friends. two best friends who live very far away from me. I met them online and sadly I haven't met them in real life. I don't have any friends near me other than these two. It's sad how I don't talk to people in Uni too. I always feel awkward and weird if I open my mouth. And they aren't interested either.

It has always been like that. I didn't feel anything when I was in middle school. I had friends then. But when I came into high school, I began to feel the difference, I drifted apart from 'friends' and I became alone. Just like now. That didn't change, I guess.

High school was a blur. I don't really remember much but I know that I was lonely. And that's when it began. It was the start of everything. And when I came to college, I made friends. they liked me and I had a group of girls who talk to me and hang out with me.

But that didn't end well. It never does.

Well, something happened. And all of a sudden, I was 'that' girl around the campus. The friends I had, vanished magically as if they were never there. It was painful, to go through that alone, but it always had been.

Let me show you an entry from my diary I wrote back then. I'll show you how bad it was.

"A few months ago, I was a disaster. I was depressed as hell, picked up unnecessary fights with my parents, ignored my friends and acted as if I was dead. There are no words to explain my emotions or feelings. I bottled them up like a balloon filled with water getting ready to burst. The pain on hearing, that I was useless, characterless, and good for nothing; was enduring and I was scared that I would become someone, who I wasn't.

From sitting in a corner, crying to hours end thinking, that I was worthless, that I didn't deserve anybody, was frightening, as smearing a blade onto my wrists. It took so much courage, so much will to self-harm without letting anybody know. The pattern of sounds, which I listened to everyday became my savior. I took solace in my music as no one cared to notice. And they say heartbreaks are worst. I guess I learned that now. They are hard. But if you have someone who cares for you, who says encouraging words to make you feel better, then there's no need to worry. You can conquer the world with them.

That's the only thing I didn't have. I stayed away from friends because they were a bad influence on me. But mainly because I thought I was a bad influence on them. I always sat on the first bench ignoring the world completely, living in illusions. The friends I laughed with, whom I spent time with, noticed my change in behavior and confronted me. But I ignored them as I was asked to do so. I didn't have any choice left and I knew it was a pathetic excuse. I barely ate because I had no one to spend my lunchtime with. Slowly I lost weight, I became weak and fragile. I could barely stand up and walk and I became a disease to my old friends.

They saw me as if I was an alien or something and the whisperings and gossips never seemed to end. I was a whore, a slut to them. I felt betrayed. I felt defeated, as I never expected my friends to backstab me. I acted like nothing really mattered to me and held my head high. I excelled in my studies and was satisfied with the hard work I did.

The anxiety attacks which I had once scared me more. I felt something was definitely wrong with me and I needed someone to verify it to me. I tried telling it to my mom but as usual, she shoved it off. That much was my priority at home."

Dated, 13-07-2018

Actually, I wrote this for someone.

Someone who I thought would understand me. And for a while they did. But not long enough to keep me alive.

Anyway, it's been two years since then and it's funny how much things have changed.

Change? I'm still the same.

The friends I have now, they take care of me well. I love them to death and so do they. But since they live far away and I've never had an encounter with them, it feels like they exist in my head. They don't feel real. It's as if they exist on my phone.

I feel alone even though I know they are there for me.

And you know what's even funnier?

I'm not an introvert. I never was.

I was the kid who does crazy things gets into tons of mischief but couldn't stop smiling. I was the kid who makes people laugh. I was a curious kid. It was so much fun back then. I can't sit in a place any longer than a minute. I was hyperactive. And I make friends in a minute. People loved me back then, for my activeness and boldness. I wasn't afraid.

Now, it's a nightmare.

I'm afraid to approach people, make eye contact. Or ask for directions. I panic when I pay for something at the store and I can't talk to people on the phone either. I get overwhelmed in huge crowds but I try not to let it affect me.

I always try. I push myself. I yell at myself and in a way, I do things I don't want to.

But I can never overcome this.

Because this is something I've developed and I can't get rid of. I've gotten attached to things I shouldn't have and now it's hard for me to change into my old self. As I said, this fake me is hard to say no to.

As much as it's exhausting, it's a way of escape.

But I still hope and yearn.

Because that's all I can ever do.