Enigma

On a whim

Playlist:

Truth untold - BTS

Fake love - BTS

***

After the dawn, two of us

We welcomed the morning together

Don't let go of my hand forever

I won't let go of you again either."

                                                -First love (Yoongi)

****

Why did I start this or who am I writing to? I don't know. I feel anxious, frustrated, and most of all sad. No, I think I'm empty, it's like I can't figure out what I'm feeling. But it's odd. I always know exactly what's wrong with me. But now, I don't really know. I feel sadness, regret, pain, guilt and I feel dead. I can't concentrate on anything. My mind keeps me busy and it's killing me how I can't concentrate on what I have to.

I try not to show it in front of my family. I act fake, I fake myself, I fake happiness. At first, it was hard, but now it comes so naturally that I mistake that if that's the real me. If the fake me is the real me.

Is this possible? To become the fake version of yourself you've created?

I hate that. I hate the fake me, but I hate my real self even more.

I hate that I'm weak, I'm helpless, that I can do absolutely nothing to keep my family happy. To keep myself happy. I know that mi just 19 and I'm overthinking things but I can't help worry for myself.

I can't cry or be myself for a few minutes. I'm becoming tired ad sick of acting happy even though they know that I'm not. But what can I do? I have no choice but to act happy because they don't like it if I'm lifeless. That's what I am now. Lifeless.

I feel so guilty to make my family go such things. I hate myself for not knowing that. but I'm glad I didn't know. If I had known, I would have never tried anything for myself. but now that I know, I don't know what to do.

They made me choose. It's like a choice of being a puppet or being free.

Naturally, what would you choose?

I couldn't.

Being a puppet is fulfilling their expectations and showing the world that even they could do things without depending on other people. That they're strong enough to show that they can do things even if we don't have enough money.

And that's where I come in.

They told me that they think the best for me. that I would be happy in the future if I do things they want.

Even if do it unwillingly. As long as I do it.

They told me that I would be respected.

Of course, they know the best.

But what about me then?

I'm my own person even before I'm a daughter. Shouldn't I have wishes and passions? Can I not have dreams?

I might sound really selfish for saying this. But honestly, I do feel selfish. They try so hard. they hard as much as they can to....... yeah. But the truth is I don't want that. I never needed that. I wish they would let be or do what I want. I don't want to fulfill their responsibilities or wishes. I want to do mine first.

And I feel selfish. So guilty for not loving them more than myself. I should be a good daughter and do what they want.

But I'm creating chaos. I'm rebelling. It's like I've woken up from the trance that I've been in. Or maybe I'm still in the illusion that I can do it.

I ask myself every day, what I will be when all of this is finished.

How far will I go?

Will I able to do what I wanted?

I can't see the sky or the stars. All I can see is darkness. Guess I'm blind.

And this darkness scares me. I'm anxious and shaking. My heart clenches in pain at the thought of regret. My knees tremble and I can't stand. I can do nothing but worry for myself. Regret the things I couldn't do or the things that I didn't try hard enough for. And the worst thing is that I've already started regretting even though I haven't given up.

Why can't I just give up? just go on and let myself be taken over by someone else?

I'm not good at anything. My passions, they're impossible.

But why do I still try and fall, I get up, try and fall again? I try so hard, for something I can never able to do. My brain knows that. my brain knows that it's best to give up, it's best to follow what they want and ignore mine.

But my heart doesn't.

My heart believes that I can do it. It believes that I'm my own person before anything else, that I do deserve to wish for things. Nothing ever comes easy. And everything that comes easy, comes with an unbelievable price.

A price that you can't afford to lose.

That's what I got.

I got to choose. And the price for it was more than I could ever afford.

The choice was easy if you look at it from the outside.

People told me that I shouldn't give up. Not now.

Not after everything I've gone through. I've reached this far and I've made an improvement. Even though it's just a few steps. They said I should follow my passions no matter what happens. But no one knew what the price was.

No one knows what I had to go through on a daily basis, just to not lose hope. Just not to give up. just not die.

I feel lonely than ever. Loneliness never bothered me really. To be honest I liked it. I took comfort in loneliness and in a way, I felt a bit whole. But now, I hate it. I hate being alone, not recognized. I hate being invisible and not being good enough to bee mattered anymore.

Then why do I exist, if I'm so see-through?

After weeks of hard work and practice, I thought I could do it. But in the end, I never got to show it to the world. That night, when I realized that I couldn't do it, I wanted to hurt myself, cry infinite and drown in sadness of regret. But I couldn't do that too.

I had to laugh and show my teeth in front of them as I heard my heart crash and squeeze in pain. Just because they hated crying. Just because I had no right to cry.

And who could I blame?

Its natural for a human being to blame someone. Blaming someone gives you a reason not to hate yourself any more than you do. Its an excuse. A very lame one.

But I couldn't blame anyone.

So, I blamed myself instead.

That's better right? More reasons to hurt myself. Hate myself. vanish into thin air.

I bet by now, you think I need help. That I need therapy or counseling. Yeah, I do. Depression and anxiety are my long-lost friends. but I don't need help.

My mom offered me to therapy twice. I was surprised and was taken back that I couldn't believe what I was hearing. But the way she said it, I realized she was mocking me. she told me even more shocking things. She said she knew that I was unhappy and I've been this way since the eighth grade. Oh, to be more exact, she told me that I've been crying since the eighth grade.

I was surprised that she knew from the start.

But what I wanted to ask her that even though she knew that I was having a hard time, she didn't do anything? For all those years I thought no one knew and now that she says that she knows, she didn't try to help?

So, I'm waiting for the day, the day they really try to help me.

Even though it's gonna be too late anyway.

After writing everything down, do I feel at peace?

I don't really know.

I don't think I can ever be at peace. And I still don't know the answer to it.

Should I give up? or hold on?