Memories

Chapter Five

Chapter six

(TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of self harm and self hate.)

(I hope you enjoy this small update! Oh, and trust me, there will be a longer one on Friday or Saturday or Sunday don't you worry)

"Hey doods, it's Mitch, or bajan Canadian, and I'm so, so sorry for being gone lately-" I'm interrupted when two boys walk into my room.

"Mitch you have your computer set up?" Lachlan says, he has a slight smile and a quizzical look. Vikk smiles.

"Well," I say with mock anger, "I was in the middle of doing my intro but you guys interrupted me-"

"Oh," Vikk says and he pulls Lachlan to my door. "Sorry mitch, but we were just surprised that you have your equipment all set up-"

"Oh it's fine." I say. I'm actually slightly irritated that they interrupted me, but I think of Jerome's letter under my pillow and the anger goes away. "You guys up for recording later today?"

Lachlan and Vikk glances at each other before gushing, "Of course we would, are you insane?"

I'm offended but I don't show it. I need to get out of the habit of taking everything to heart, I wasn't like that before all this. "Cool, so around 8:00 or 9?" I ask. I stand up away from my computer and grab my phone, which sat in front of my keyboard.

"Yeah. Where are you going?" Lachlan asks.

"Well, I'm kicking you both out first. I'm going to change and go jogging." I pull out some basketball shorts and a newly washed t-shirt. I set them on my dresser top and turn to them.

"Since when did little mitchy get all enthusiastic about life?" Lachlan coos. He makes a move, probably to pinch my cheeks, but thinks better of it and play it off as scratching his head.

Since I've read his letter.

"I just want to find a better to cool down." I lie.

"Well, I guess we'll get out of your hair." Vikk says pulling on Lachlan and they both exit my room.

I shut my door behind them and let out a huge sigh. I have to be happy. For Jerome. But it's so hard being happy nowadays. Do it for Jerome.

I'm having an argument with myself as I change out of my clothes and into the ones I pulled out. I grab a pair of headphones and I unlock my phone as I open and shut my bedroom door.

I'm blasting After the Storm when I walk down my stairs and I have to pause it when Rob gets my attention. "What Rob?"

He's completely confused my my image, I'm sure. I'm wearing the shorts and the tshirt and I'm positive my cuts are visible. "Where are you going?"

"Just jogging around the place, what's the big deal?" I'm getting slightly defensive now, I don't see why everyone must have some type of idea that I have to stay holed in my room all day. Can't a guy get some fresh air for a change?

"N-nothing." Rob looks slightly taken back, and he's staring at my forearms. I should've worn a jacket.

I put my arms in front of me as I walk past him and out the door. "I'll be back in thirty minutes."

I'm blasting music and I'm a couple houses down from mine. As I start to jog, I forget what music I'm listening to and I don't pay attention I'm going. My begins to wonder. About how I'm trying to get better. About what I've been doing for the past two weeks.

The past two weeks have been a bit hectic for me. The day I found Jerome's letter, I started going on social media again. My fans welcomed me with open arms, and angry tweets telling me that I scared them to death. I had told them I wasn't going to start up YouTube just yet, I needed to get used to being on technology again.

I was on Instagram and Twitter in the morning and at night replying to fans because I had nothing better to do. Jerome was right, he did have good advice. One of them suggested this to me- running. Her name was... Jacelyn. Yeah, it was Jacelyn. She said it's better than what I do. She's been so nice to me.

This doesn't really give me the 'release' I want, but I'm doing this for my fans, for Jerome. Neither one of the, would ever want me to hurt myself. I have to continue telling this to myself every time I'm tempted.

Anyways, I started Twitter again, and I spent one week setting up my computer, just taking as slow as I can. The next week, I just tried doing my intro again. But each time I've done it, I've always seen something bad about myself and I'd hate it. I'd delete it and delete it. Maybe I should just stop using facecam. I just don't see how any of the fans like how I look.

The days I've had theray sessions were my happiest. My therapist really helps me. He's taught me to control my anger, as stupid as that sounds. Just count to ten, he would remind me. If you're still angry after ten, count to twenty. At first I actually thought it was the stupist thing, but I actually tried it and it works. He treats me like a human being. We would sit and talk and he would ask me about my day, just to know, he never made me think that he hates me or anything.

(If you still don't understand, read the authors note, I'll explain it again :3)

I take a deep Breath and turn the corner back to my street. I can hear my music again as I sink back to reality. It's Million Dollar Houses by Peirce the Veil. I hum the song as I slow down and walk to my front door. I open the door and close it when I'm inside. The house is quiet, I notice, when I take out my earbuds. I take off my shoes. I don't think much of its in the nap hours of the day. The house is still surprisingly dark.

I don't look where I'm going and slam my toes accidentally against the side of the furniture "shit!" I gasp as I felt the pain. Breathe. I tell myself. Throbbing pain isn't like the piercing pain you're used to, but it would have to do. I take a deep breath and smile. It's fine.

I accept the pain and walk up my stairs and I to my room. I need a shower. I throw my phone on my bed and open my bathroom door.

I get out of the shower in about thirty minutes and I'm dressed in a new pair of shorts and a jacket. I turn on my computer monitor. I wait for it to load up and then I open my recording programs. I open up my facecam and fiddle with my mouse, hovering it and then move it away. Finally I just sigh and I click record.

"Hey doods, it's Mitch, or bajancanadian, and I'm sorry for being so inactive." I say. I try for a smile. No matter how bad or ugly I look, I must post it for them, they deserve it. It takes me a while to continue. "I've just been so down lately and... Well I decided to try and change my life again. Back to what I used to be." I can't look at my camera so I stare at my hands. I hesitate before speaking again, "And- and so I'm going to start posting again. It just won't be as much." I pause for a while, then look up at the camera. I think of who I can't record with ever again and my eyes get glossy. I raise my arms to wipe my eyes, and I don't notice my sleeve go up a little bit. "So I hope you like what I post, I'll try to be the way I was before but please take note of what had happened. So, I guess, I'll see you doods all later..... bye."

I don't even edit out the long pauses, and there are plenty of them, I type in YouTube into the Url and press upload next to my sign out button.

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Hey! Here's an update!

Ok so those who don't understand it, basically what he's doing is faking it until he, himself, actually believe himself. He's trying to stay happy for Jerome and his fans and his friends and anyone else who cares for him, but as you can see with his vlog and what he says to himself, he's still severely depressed.

If you're still having questions, I'll be happy to answer!

~Megan