Memories

Chapter One

(TRIGGER WARNINGS: SELF HATE, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, SELF HARM)

I lay on the cold, hardwood floor. The jacket I'm wearing is too big, obviously his. I'm staring at the ceiling fan, how it mechanically keeps going even though, theoretically speaking, it's been doing the same thing day by day. Does it ever get tired of doing the same thing? Would it ever get bored of what it's made to do?

If he actually believes I could deal with this, he is completely mental. How am I going to be able to deal with it anyway? How he left me to fend for myself in this ugly grey world full of hate and horrible people? I just can't do it.

I hear footsteps nearing to my room but I don't bother moving. The door opens slowly and I hear a voice "Mitch? Buddy, your appointment is in 30 minutes. Get dressed and-why are you on the floor?"

I don't even bother to answer his question. I continue looking blankly at the ceiling. He stays where he is. I groan and finally reply "why do I have to go?" I close my eyes and breathe. I can't go. She makes me feel worse. Saying things like I have no reason to be this sad.

I roll over and face Rob. There are dark circles under his eyes and I can't help but feel guilty for causing everyone's sleepless nights. He tries giving me a smile but I don't return it. I don't deserve to smile. I don't deserve anything.

"Just please get ready. Preston and I can take you." He whispers. He leaves the room.

I sigh and pull on some shoes and without seeing if I looked at least decent, I walk out my room with my hands in his jacket pockets. I walk into the living room and don't look at Rob or Preston as they lead me out the house and into the car. We climb in and on the way to my appointment, I ignore their feeble attempts to talk to me.

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"Hey Mitch, what's up?" My therapist asks me as I sit in a chair. I don't respond. "How has your week been?" I still don't respond. "Good, yeah?"

I glare at her for a second and don't speak. "Mitch, I asked you a question. Was your week good?"

I give her a nasty look "good? You think my week as been 'good'?" I retort angrily. "Yes, it was 'good' that I almost died again." I lean back in the chair and fold my arms angrily.

"Why would you do that?" She asked looking and apparently genuinely confused. I give her a dirty look, again. "There's no reason why you should be depressed."

I get a nasty feeling as she continues. "I mean, you're complaining about the good things in life. Friends, a house, and food. You don't have any reason to be depressed about, your life is great-"

"You are the worst therapist I've ever met." I angrily say. "That's like saying to a person with asthma that they don't need asthma cause there's loads of air."

"Maybe if you looked at life in happier perspective-"

"Oh my god." I groan sarcastically "you've cured me."

She looks at me confused "I-what?"

"You should've been something else cause you only seem to make people worse, not better." I spit.

She looks slightly hurt. "Well, Mr. Hughes-"

"Oh please kick me out, assign me to someone else! Anybody would be better." I cry.

"-I think that will end our session." She finished. She writes something on her chip board and rips it off and stands up.

"Thank god!" I say. I stand up and walk past her and out her office.

Preston and Rob sits in the lobby and when they see me stalking angrily toward the door, they stand up, confused. "Mitch where are you going?" Preston asks.

I ignore them and walk out into the cool crisp air, not caring that the jacket I'm wearing will not be warm enough. I don't feel the cold as I'm as numb as I could possibly get.

"Mitch!" Preston and Rob follow me outside "where are you going? Your lesson can't be over, you were only in there for five minutes."

"New record, I'd say." I mumble. I walk past their car and break into a run. The office is far from where I want to go, but I don't care. I must visit him. He's probably waiting for me, I always drop by as mush as I possibly can.

"Mitch, not again!" Rob cries off behind me. "Preston we gotta-" I'm too far, now, to hear the rest of his sentence. I don't want to be near them. If they come, they'll ruin my visit. My visit must be perfect and if they come, they will just make me go home without saying hi.

~~~~

I arrive almost twenty minutes later, warm and breathless. I smile as I sit next to him. "Hey, Jerome, what's up?" He doesn't respond. " Today was hectic. The therapist was worse today. But don't worry, I showed her what she deserves." I laugh and continue. "Anyway, I'm wearing your jacket if that's fine, I mean, you can see me wearing it, but...." I smile and my eyes prickle with tears as I continue. "Oh never mind, I'm rambling now. Anyway, I was getting lonely. That's why I came. Jerome, I miss you." Tears fall as I lean against his cold headstone. The cold doesnt affect me but I cant help but shiver as if he were there, too, trying to comfort me.

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"Mitch." Preston says, waving his had in front of my face. My eyes refocus and I blink.

"What's that for?" I ask rudely.

"C'mon, time to go home." Rob said.

I look at them as if they were joking. When they don't crack, I reply, " no."

Preston and Rob exchanges looks and at once, they drag me up by my arms. "What are you guys doing? Put me down!" I yell and squirm from their iron grip.

"Mitch don't make this any hard on us." Preston says with a hint of restraint in his voice. I ignore his plead and try harder to break free.

"Leave me be!" I yell. I break from their grip and turn to go run back to Jerome but they pull me back.

"Come on, big boy." Rob tries to say as if that would soothe me.

They shove me into the car and slam the door. "This is kidnapping!" I scream and desperately try to open my door. When it won't open, I try the other door. I sit grumpily and stare at both Rob and Preston as they sit in their seats.

"They're on child lock." Rob says when he gets in on the passenger side. "Mitch, just please put your seatbelt on."

"No!"

"Mitch," Preston sighs. He turns to look at me. "as much as you mean to me, you can't just go wondering around town. It's going to get you killed."

I look up. "What do you think I'm trying to do?" I spit.

"That's not what I mean-"

"You know how much I hurt? He fucking killed himself over me! If you think I should feel happy and dandy like that stupid therapist you make me see, then tell me. Then I'll do it. I do the only think that would make me happy, what you guys keep stoping me for." I jam the seat belt into the lock and lean back, beyond pissed, and waiting for an answer.Rob and Preston exchanges nervous looks and slowly turn around as Preston drives us back home.

Preston opens my door, I shove past him and walk inside without another word. I walk past the rest of the inhabitants that live here, Lachlan and Vikk. They're only here to help deal with me. I can't even deal with me.

I slam my door shut and block it by sliding my desk in front of the entrance. I need to be alone. I need to get rid of this- this feeling the stupid therapist gave me. I pace my room, debating. Jerome wouldn't want me to. He said that in his letter. But I need to. I need to get the feeling out, the emotional pain everyone today caused me.

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Hey guys, Megan here!

I've decided to write another fanfiction (I deleted my other) and I really hope you like this one. I'm going to try to post every week. Please vote and comment on the first chapter and I will try posting on frie day or Saturday

Thank you!!