The Hyenas {Dreamnotfound AU}

26. Impulses

George's POV

The rest of the day is spent in the same manner. The silence hangs in the air tensely as nobody looks at another person in the room. Bad seems too nervous to say anything as well. 

Clay went low. Too low. At this point, I can't tell if he meant it, or if he spoke out of impulse. Quite frankly, it doesn't matter to me. Even if he said it out of impulse, it must have been rooting inside him for a while already. How else would you come up with it so quickly? He's been thinking that low of me for longer than I'm aware of, and I will not stand for it. I won't let him insult me like that.

Why would he say he loved me too if he thought of me like that? Did he think it was actually a distraction tactic? Did he just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, because I was going to die anyway? Grant the poor boy his last wish of someone loving him, sure. Make the death a little less painful. 

Or did he not realize that he doesn't actually love me? It's been something that has been on my mind before. Do I love him, or am I just lonely? Maybe he asked himself that question after he said he loved me too, and came to the conclusion he actually doesn't, but just needed another person to keep him company. Maybe he wanted to love me, so he told himself he did, when in reality he thought those degrading things about me the whole time. Maybe he just loved the idea of me.

Back at Bad's house, right before everything went down, he basically already gave up. He knew if we gave up, we would die, and yet he wasn't willing to fight for life until his friend got kidnapped. He was willing to end our story, but when he found out about the collateral damage, he changed his mind. He found an easy way to end our story, but didn't want any other stories to end because of him. It suits him. He'd take the fall, he'd take responsibility for his actions, and nobody would be in danger because of him anymore. But what role I was meant to play in that?

Was I just a distraction? Was he scared of actually dying, and did he need a hand to hold during it? Did he know he'd drag that hand along with him into the grave? Would my death just be a sacrifice to make his own easier? 

I hate to think I played that kind of role for him. I want to believe it's not the truth, but with his outburst in mind, I can't imagine any other storyline. I held him so lovingly. I tried to comfort him after the initial shock of seeing Nick, I wanted him to feel better. I wanted him to see there's more than just bad in the world. His friend was alive! There was hope! 

Maybe that's what triggered him. He has a chance of getting Nick back, and he wouldn't need me anymore. I would just be added weight. He'd have Nick, and that would be enough. Having me around would just complicate things for their friendship. Especially if Clay actually didn't love me, but just pretended he did. How would he explain that one to Nick? Oh yeah, I pretended to love this guy I plucked off the street at 3 AM because I was getting a little lonely, but now I don't have to be lonely anymore so I'm just going to chug him away in the trash now if you don't mind. Yeah, that sounds like the best friend Nick knows and trusts, surely.

Maybe he loves me but doesn't want to love me. What the hell do you do with love in this place anyway? You're not going to have a wedding, you're not having kids, and you only have a bigger chance of getting killed before you get a chance at growing old. Going back into the safe part of the city would also be double as complicated with two people instead of just one. In that scenario it makes sense he would say he loved me back, because I was meant to die anyway. It was the only appropriate moment to say it, because it didn't matter anymore whether you could do anything with it or not. A dead person can't do anything with love. 

After what feels like hours of silence, Bad decides to speak up. 

"We've been sitting like this for a while now, gathering our thoughts and all, maybe you two can just, sit down together for a moment? Talk about it calmly?" He gains more silence in response, neither of us moving. He sighs, and I hear him stand up from the couch.