WAKE (Wattpad edition)

9. Hold on.

Soundtrack - 'Bridge over troubled water,' Eva Cassidy.

{Mel}

Mel laid in the dark, quiet house, listening to the sound of her husband breathing beside her. She'd slept part of the afternoon and all day yesterday, and now she was wide awake, thinking about her boys out under the sky in the city somewhere. She slid her hand across the sheet under the covers to let it rest just close enough to Pete's back to feel the warmth of his body, not wanting to disturb him.

He shifted, turning towards her. "Can't sleep?"

"No," she said softly. She put her hand on his shoulder and felt the knots under his skin without even pressing. "Turn over."

He rolled onto his face, and she set her knees on either side of his hips, tucking her toes under his legs as she smoothed the heels of her hands up the long muscles beside his spine and then digging her thumbs into his shoulders. He made a soft sound and buried his face in the pillow. He was a mess of tension and she felt herself getting warm trying to work the knots out of his muscles. He carried all his stress in his shoulders—always had.

"You're working too hard," she said in a low voice.

His voice was muffled by the pillow. "Elders say I'm not working hard enough." She heard how flat and discouraged he was—she'd been dimly aware of it for weeks through the fog of her own depression. As August turned to September, she felt the fog lifting and saw the needs of her family with fresh clarity.

"Your shoulders say otherwise," she said. He let out a long breath as she worked on the knots on his right side. "Were they happy with your message Sunday?"

Immediately, she felt his muscles tighten under her fingers. "Don't know. I preached what they gave me."

At the start of the summer, the board of Elders had met privately and handed Pete the set list of passages they wanted him to preach on each week. She'd watched him nearly strangle himself on their leash trying to honour their authority while staying faithful to what God would have him say to the church about the passages they assigned. Sermon prep used to be a joy for her husband—now it sucked the life out of him. She thought she could hate this board and this church if she were allowed to.

"They want me in the office more...more predictable hours," Pete said.

"Being a pastor isn't an office job—the people are in the neighbourhood, not the church building." She quoted back to him something he'd said a dozen times before.

He turned over, putting his hands on her hips, and she stroked her fingers over the muscles of his chest, digging in where they joined his collar bone. He winced and she released the pressure.

He dropped his voice. "I thought there would be more grace for the way taking Cary in would disrupt our family routine."

"Maybe they didn't realize how disruptive that would be. We didn't exactly know what to expect either."

He sighed, running his hands up her back under her nightshirt and closing his eyes.

Her face creased with worry. "Do you regret taking Cary in?"

"No," he said, quiet and sure. "I regret the rift in my church I've let get so wide. I need to heal it so people can work together."

She spread her hands against his ribs. "Peter. You're not a miracle worker. You're just a man doing his best."

His ribs went in and out and his face twisted, shadowy in the dim room. "I'm afraid I'm not going to be enough." He held her eyes, his own dark and pained. "I'm not enough for this."

"Do you regret...taking this church?" she asked slowly, almost afraid to hear his answer. Pete's sense of direction was usually so clear—she loved being able to count on him to make the right decision for their family.

He shut his eyes, whispering, "Yes."

She laid down next to him, tucking her arm around his ribcage, trying to think.

He went on, his voice coming apart. "It's been hard on you, hard on the kids..."

Hard on you, she thought. They both knew pastors who'd been broken over the course of serving in a difficult situation, and this church was as difficult as any.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this," he said, his voice low. "When I take it to the Lord, he won't let me go."

She drew in her breath, absorbing that for a moment. She hadn't allowed herself to consider what it would mean for Pete to resign, to walk away from this church—and for them to move back home. "What do you mean?"

"The Lord says stay." His words were pressed with strain. "He says there's something for us here—there's something good I have to give. Even though no one wants it and no one sees it and...I can't see it either. I'm not the right person—I don't know how to fix this." He had his hand spread over his face, muffling his words.

She lifted herself up on her elbow. "That's not true."

Pete let his hand drop, returning her look as his lips trembled.

"You've brought so much good to this church, and there are people who see that," Mel said. She stroked her hand over his bearded cheek. "Just because they're not the ones in your meetings, and they haven't told you..." She rested her hand on his bare chest, wishing she could push all the warmth of her hope and love through her palm.

He turned his face aside, and she felt his breath catch as tears came. When Pete cried, it was like her whole heart opened to hold him and make a space for him to be soft. She realized she didn't feel afraid. She trusted Pete—and she trusted God more.

She nudged her face next to his and kissed him until warmth came back into his lips and his hands reached for her, tugging her nightshirt over her head. She shook her hair free, slinging her leg over his hips again. "Hold on, love," she said, resting her forehead against his so her hair fell around them like a curtain. 

*Oof ,one of my favourite Eva Cassidy songs right there. Mel is such a gift to this story--I found her showing up in some of the darkest moments with this sweet peace she's found in the midst of her sad softness. I don't know if anyone who hasn't lived with a pastor is aware of the angst that comes with the role, and Pete has the added difficulty of reporting to a difficult and demanding board of Elders.  

I know the YA genre doesn't usually peek into the lives of the grown ups, but Pete and Mel's story felt like it had interesting weight and added depth to Jon and Cary, who need good grown ups to anchor them right now. What do you think?*