WAKE (Wattpad edition)

60. Held.

Soundtrack: 'Lift off love' - Elbow.

{Kadee}

She had already re-organized the kitchen cupboards with her mother, planned a makeover of the family room/office that they shared, and worked ahead on her homework for the week. It was Monday. Apparently having no friends really opened up her calendar.

It had been 32 hours since her last text from Cary. She'd driven away from the farm and texted him along the way and when she got home. No response. She tried not to read into that silence, telling herself he'd just forgotten to turn on his phone. She'd texted him something cheerful first thing in the morning when she'd gotten up, and a quick <what time are you back in the city?> at lunch. The closeness she'd felt with him in person stretched thin as hours passed and her phone stayed silent.

So when her phone rang that evening as she was making a mess of painting her toenails, she nearly spilled the bottle of polish across her bedspread as she scrambled to pick it up. The call display said it was Jon. Sighing, she answered, "Hello."

"Sorry if I'm not who you want to hear from," Jon said. He sounded genuinely apologetic and she felt instantly guilty.

"No—god, I'm glad you called. How are you today?"

"Okay." He sounded better than okay. His voice was full of energy. "Cary's back. With us, with our family."

Her breath caught so sharply her eyes stung. "He's back. Like, for good?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Why hadn't he texted her to tell her that? "Jon, that's so—great for you." She rubbed the soft brush of hair on the back of her head, fingering the ridges of the lotus shaved there. "Um. What's up for you tomorrow?"

He sounded taken aback. "Cary didn't tell you?"

"He's gone silent on me." She tried to sound light, but a little of her shakiness got into her voice. She closed her eyes, pulling the phone away from her mouth to let out her breath.

There was a pause. "He does that," Jon said. "He's going to the courthouse first thing, with my parents. They'll be gone all day, probably."

"You're not going?" She was running over her schedule in her mind, checking if she could afford to skip her classes.

"Um. That's why I called, actually. Cary asked me not to, and I wondered...if we could hang out. While we wait for him to finish."

"Why doesn't he want us to come?" Hurt bled into her voice, and she wrapped a ribbon of hair around her finger, pulling it tight.

Jon sighed. "I think he's embarrassed? To have friends there listening when he talks about all the shit that happened in his past. And we don't know how it's gonna go with his dad's lawyer, what kinds of questions they might ask. Pretty much it could be a shit show, and he said he would feel better if no one else had to go through that."

She released her hair, stroking it smooth to comfort herself. That sounded so much scarier than her scariest final exam. Cary must be freaking out—and if she knew him, it was all on the inside. Why hadn't he reached out to her?

What came to her mind, in the clamour of her panic and need, was the memory of the day Cary had held her hand as they'd walked under the bowed branches of lilac trees, with the sky reflected in the water at their feet. His palm had been rough and warm as he'd told her about listening to the voice that had told him he was worth something to make it through the day. A feeling crept up on her—the assurance that Cary was listening to that voice right now, holding onto that Person so hard he didn't have a hand to spare for her. A second, quieter thought followed the first: that Person was who Cary really needed, not her...and that was who she needed too.

She gave herself a shake and made her face smile even though Jon couldn't see it. "We should hang out then," she said into the phone, keeping her tone warm. She abandoned her school day without a backward glance. "I'm not going to be able to think about anything else all day anyway."

"Yeah, let's do that." His voice had brightened and that eased the tightness in her chest a little. "You should come over here—then when they're back, you can hear first thing how it went."

"I'll bring snacks," Kadee said, her mouth curving.

"I still have your brother's video games."

"Perfect," Kadee said. "It's a date."

Jon laughed quietly, like she hoped he would. "Sure. See you tomorrow."

She made the phone silent, tucking her feet into lotus position on her bed and closing her eyes. She breathed out and reached for the Person who was holding Cary up right now, imagining that she bumped the back of her small hand against his brown, scarred wrist, feeling small and unlovely. This?

It was the least fancy prayer she'd ever prayed. But the warm sense of being held that she felt in return was, as Cary had said, the most real thing she'd experienced in a long time. She sat, quietly listening, mostly just hearing her breath and thinking about Cary. The realization was sinking into her belly: it was going to cost her to care for him, and her mom's credit card wasn't going to cover for her this time. Feeling the clasp of a much bigger hand than hers, Kadee decided she was going to become the kind of person who could pay that price.