The Initiate (A Divergent fanfic)

Chapter 26.

Me and Connor make our way to the dinning hall. Today has been an earthquake of feelings for me, at first I felt anger and bitterness, then I felt at ease then, now I feel scared and worried. As we make our way into the large open hall I feel everybody's eyes follow me. Either because of what I did to Jessica earlier, or my Divergence has come out. Either way I don't know which one I want to be known as; The girl who is like her father  or  The freak who doesn't fit in. I take an empty seat and no one sits next to me. Probably too scared to even talk to me, in case I hurt them. I slowly eat my food even though I don't feel hungry and to be honest I don't care what people think about me I am more bothered what is coming this way. 

"How are you?" Shayne asks after a while. I don't want to answer but at least his honesty is normal. 

"Just a little ashamed of myself." I say. I take a gulp of water to extinguish the burning nerves at the back of my throat. "How is Jessica?" I ask expecting to hear the words; she is dead.

"She is OK. Just bruised and battered I would have done the same thing if I was you." Shayne replies. Despite my hate for Jessica I am glad that she is ok. I wouldn't have been able to cope with the thought I have taken someone's life away. I still have nightmares about the simulation from the aptitude test, though my actions still make me sick. Most Dauntless would be proud of what I have done today, I guess I am not like most Dauntless, I guess I am not Dauntless at all. I should have let my blood drop on to the amity earth. Now I have no choice but to live with my mistake no matter whether I pass innitiation or not. Olivia gives me a sympathetic smile and I smile back. The smile soon fades as I feel a hard clasp on my shoulder which causes me to bite my lip. I turn to see a tall and built male with dozens of piercings on his face. Eric. My heart beat begins to pick up and I get a dizzy feeling in my head. Has he found out who I am? He smiles and places the tips of his finger and thumb onto one of his piercings.

"I just want to say well done for your fight earlier today I didn't know a stiff like you had it in you." He says. I nod my head now even sicker of my actions. It is really bad if someone like Eric congratulates you. It can only mean I'm almost as viscious as him and that is too close for my liking. I see Four cautiously look over his shoulder to where I and his master are stood. If I become factionless maybe all of this will be over, the fear of Eric, the fear of my Divergence coming out and Four.  "Well maybe I was wrong about you. Perhaps you do have that certain visciousness needed in this city." Eric says. The more he congratulates me the more I feel sick. 

"Thank you." I murmur. ''Now go away.' as if he has read my mind he walks over to a group of older Dauntless that are around their forties. Some of the oldest people I have seen in this faction. 

Bedtime eventually arrives but for all the good of it, I don't get any sleep at all. I just lay looking up to the lights that hang from the ceiling. Nervous about what Erudite have planned for Abnegation and the results for tomorrow though I don't think I want to continue with initiation with a big lump that is lodged in my throat. 

Tomorrow arrives and I am acting like a zombie. Unsure of what I want. Yes I want to stay, but how can I if Erudite are secretly planning something? We are in the pit and we are all standing around. I see Jessica her face is completely bruised and she has a tight grip on her ribs. As expected she glares at me. I look to my hands, and ask myself 'did I just do that?' I want to go up and apologize to her but after weeks of torment hopefully we are finally even with one another. If she stays out of my way and I'll stay out of hers. Eric walks in with a grin, Four and Uriah are at either side of him. Then they are followed by Max. "Initiates! Stage one is over. And you are about to be ranked. If you are over the red line then there will be no need to waste our time on you." Max says. When he finishes talking names begin to flash on the screen one by one. I hear the cheers of those who have found out they are in. That includes Connor and Shayne they both shake one anothers hands. Eventually the whole list of names are revealed : 

1. Connor

2. Shayne

3. Jessica

4. Lewis

5. Jason

6. Oliver

7. Louise

8. Olivia

9. Ruby

10. Bayley

I have made it. Just. Though I wish it could have been for better reasons. I feel the hugs of Connor, Shayne and Olivia wrap me up tightly which makes me realize how small I really am. I see Four walk up to me and I am ready to turn and walk away from him but his shouts like Marcus's freeze me in my movement. I slowly turn and face him and a brief smile creeps up on his face. 

"Well done for getting through stage one...Ruby. I was very impressed by the strategy you came up with for capture the flag." He says. 

"Thanks." I reply quietly. Again shocked with him. With the exception  of a small lump in his throat when he said my name there was absolutely no emotion in his tone. Maybe he has realized that I don't want anything to do with him. It is for the best. I can leave my 'past' life in Abnegation behind and focus on becoming a Dauntless. But for some reason with his sudden depature I feel alone like I did when I watched as his blood dropped on to the Dauntless coal. 

'Why do I feel so alone?'  I ask myself.