The Dreamer

Chapter 40

Jessica and Andrew visited Sarah and stayed the night at a sleepover, like a little family sharing some time together, a very unusual family. Matthew picked up Jessica Saturday morning and Sarah drove Andrew back to his place. Their interactions were flowing now much more naturally than before. Sarah indeed started thinking of Andrew as a sibling. In a way, he had the same kind of innocence that Sophie had.

They arrived at the apartment and he hopped off the car. Martha wasn't waiting at the door as she did the first couple of times. Andrew ran inside and waved his hand at Sarah before closing the door. Sarah waved back and set the car back in motion. She already was picturing the rest of her day. She had Saturday off and she absolutely needed to take it easy today. Sunday would be another day of work.

"Wait," Sarah heard a voice calling as she was moving her car already. She saw in the mirror Martha coming after her. Sarah felt her heart give a little jump. What does she want? She parked the car and Martha caught with the vehicle, struggling to catch her breath.

"Are you OK?" Sarah asked while opening the door to come out of the car. "What happened? IS it Andrew?" Sarah looked toward the apartment and was getting ready to rush there. "Did he fall or something?" She had just seen it two minutes ago, what could have gone wrong?

"No, no, Andrew is fine," Martha smiled, and then her smile vanished. "I was hoping we could talk. Please?" Her eyes grew red.

"Sure, I guess, what is it?" Sarah stood by the open door of the driver seat, her arms crossed across her chest, and her heart thundering.

"I, I was hoping we could sit down," Martha said with a whisper.

"Oh ok, um," Sarah looked around wondering where precisely they would sit.

"We can come in. He is showering now," Martha suggested.

"Ok," Sarah nodded. She parked her car and followed Martha into her place. Every step she took made her aware of how nervous she was still in the presence of her mother, how hurt she felt and even anger.

"Please sit," Martha said once they were inside. "Would like a drink? I was making some coffee."

"I am good, what is it?"

"Right!" Martha cleared her throat and swallowed hard. She tried to speak but seemed unable to do so. She tried for few seconds and then laughed uncomfortably. "I knew it wouldn't be easy."

Sarah kept her arms across her chest and her lips sealed. If her mother was going to apologize again, she wasn't sure if she would take it well or her inner angry child would come out and lash out, creating a boundary between Sarah and Andrew as a result. Sarah looked at Martha and a part of her demanded. Forgive her already, while another part screamed. HOW? Was she supposed to hug her mother and that would make things better. Felling Jessica's hug had healed her deeply, so it maybe wasn't such a bad choice.

"I am not going to apologize again," Martha said at last. "That's not what I have to say. I don't think I deserve your forgiveness, and I am so old now to care about it. I regret being less of a mother to you and Sophie, but I would be lying if I said I live every day hoping for your forgiveness and love. I have accepted that I lost you and I deserve. But what I need to tell you is because if I want some redemption with the world and to be better than I was, I need to put it all out there. Maybe it will help you to hear this."

Sarah observed from her seat, right in front of her mother. She was shocked by the bluntness. She is not even sorry.

"I need to move on," Martha said while her eyes filled with tears. "I can't carry this weight with me anymore, and neither can you. So let's drop it now."

"You called me. If that's your entire introduction, you can get to the point now," Sarah said, her words rough, but her voice quivering and her heart broken.

"What I need to tell you will be surprising but," Martha said.

"Just speak God damn it," Sarah protested, her face red and her breath shallow.

Martha kept her gaze down. "I had the dream too," she said.

"What?" Sarah's mouth fell wide open. "What did you just say?" her anger increasing by the second.

Martha didn't say anything.

"I asked you, what did you say?" Sarah yelled and stood up.

Martha stood up too and begged her to sit down again. "Please, he will hear us."

Sarah sat down again, just becoming aware of how big of a bridge between her and her mother, Andrew really was.

Sarah covered her lips with her mouth while her face was red and she still struggled to breathe.

"I had the dream just when you did too," Martha continued. "I wanted to believe it was just a dream, but the amount of detail... I knew it was more than a dream, but I wanted to ignore it, as if that would help keeping it from happening. The next morning I was an anxious mess, wishing I could just forget I ever dreamed it. Losing Andrew terrified me more than anything. Even..." She hesitated. "Even more than losing Sophie."

"How dare you?" Sarah turned to face her. "You selfish bitch."

"I am," Martha admitted. "I am, and I wish I was different, but this is me, and I can't be any different, but I am trying. I am trying to leave this old me behind so it never comes back again in my weakest moments, for him."

That sent a knife into Sarah's heart. She couldn't care less to be loved by this woman, but she still wished she had a mother that cared for her like this woman did for Andrew.

"My whole life, I always was one step ahead of destiny. I knew what would happen before it did. I even dreamed of meeting your father and made sure to keep an eye for him. When you told me about the dream, I just lost it. I had no idea you also inherited this curse." She shook her head. "My mother also was like that, and she turned into the worst. It did the same to me, and then you."

"Don't include me in your mess," Sarah demanded in a hushed voice, her eyes red. "I am better than you."

"Are you?" Martha shrugged. "Are you now a weak woman who can't handle what she can see in her dreams? I was, and I ended up drowning in alcohol. Didn't you hide in your job?" Martha looked at her with honest eyes. There was no expectation of forgiveness or of any kind of connection. She was being as open as a man in death row.

"I will not end up like you, and don't pretend you know anything about me," Sarah said between tears.

"I hope not. Maybe you will be the one to change our history." Martha kept her gaze down.

Sarah remembered a conversation she had with Ali a while back where Ali mentioned how they had be born with the power to heal the mistakes of their whole lineage. Now it made perfect sense.

"Your father was the best thing to ever happen to me," Martha said. "How could I not love him more than anything, more than you, more than myself? He saw the beauty in me that I don't think I ever had. Sarah, I..." she took a breath. "I have been through so much. I was abused, and forced to believe that I deserved it. You don't know that, but he did. Your father knew all along. He didn't see me as some spoiled produce, but she saw me as a worthy human being.

"I couldn't take it. I knew I could have changed thing, and I failed him. And when you came to me and told me your dream, I had to kick you out of my life. You would be a constant reminder that I could have saved him; you still are."

They kept quiet for few seconds until Martha spoke again. "I named him Andrew because I had to honor that man in whatever way I could. I wish I was a better mother for his daughters. He loved you so much, but I failed him and you, and now all I want is to do that for someone."

They were silent for some more seconds. "I wish you had a better mother," Martha looked into Sarah's eyes with sincerity.

"Me too," Sarah whispered between muffed sobs.