Hurricane // Matty Healy ♣ The 1975

30. alone

I dug my spoon deep into the pot of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food. 

I hadn't replied to Kelsey, despite Sylvia telling me that I should.

I suppose I just didn't want to believe that Matty would do something like that. 

Wincing, I realised with great sadness that ice cream would not solve my heartache.

Sylvia ate the rest of the tub in about five minutes. 

I sent Kelsey a simple message; 'What happened?' But she didn't reply. 

I wanted to ask Matty, but I couldn't. I couldn't face him. I had no idea how I could go back home. Maybe I wouldn't. 

I kept staring at the screen, hoping that something would happen. Nothing did for half an hour, which was when I got a message back from Kelsey. 

'Lot's happened. I'm really sorry. I won't go into details, but I'm really sorry.'

At this point, I excused myself and ran into the bathroom where I hung my head over the porcelain bowl for a good ten minutes before finally managing to throw up what little food I had consumed that day. 

I was beginning to lose weight again and become as unappealing as I used to be. 

Sylvia softly pulled my hair back as I cried into the toilet bowl, being a lot softer than I had expected her to be. 

"I know it hurts, but you've got to remember that you're better than him, okay?" She asked. I nodded, despite not agreeing with her one bit. "You're going to go back there when you're ready, and you're going to tell him what for, you got me?" 

"Yeah." I said quietly. 

----

London is a twenty four hour city. 

I was one of the many people hanging around on the streets because they weren't entirely sure where to go. 

I pulled my coat tightly around my body. 

I had left the house when Becca got back with Tom and Bryony who had all gone out for the day. 

Matty had sent me numerous texts that I just couldn't bring myself to reply to. 

'What time are you coming back? Just so I know when to put the lasagna in the oven. x'

'Lizzy?'

'Are you okay?'

'Lizzy come on I'm hungrrryyy!' 

'What's wrong? Why are you ignoring me?' 

'Please Lizzy, I'm getting worried.' 

He called three times. 

I ignored him, even though it broke my heart. 

He was soft and gentle and loving and kind and funny and wonderful and every good thing under the sun and i found it difficult to believe he would intentionally hurt me, which was why I didn't want to talk to him. Because the moment I heard his voice, I knew I would forgive him.

I didn't want to forgive him, but I didn't want to be alone either. 

I chewed on my bottom lip and I decided what to do, about Matty, about going back to the flat, about whether or not I should tell George...

I knew the news would hurt George, almost as much as it hurt me, so I thought he had a right to know, because I had no idea what Kelsey and Matty were up to before George found out that Kelsey had been cheating on him, she probably had a string of guys.