Living Death

Chapter 8

Sam

3 Months Earlier

Damn humanity. It just weakened me anyway – tortured my every waking moment. I pounded on the grimy back door of the club. The tall, fair haired boy opened up and I was sure his eyes glittered as he looked at me.

            "Name, honey?" he said, all sweetness.

            "Bambi," I deadpanned. I wasn't in the mood.

            I watched as the pretty guy stood on one hip and read down his list, sliding the pen in between his painted lips. Without moving his bowed head, he looked up at me through fake lashes and pouted.

            "No Bambi here, gorgeous. Perhaps you'd like to try a different method of payment." He leaned on the doorframe and pouted, but I'd taken enough tonight.

            With quick reflexes, I grasped his neck and slammed him hard against the wall on the inside of the building, leaning in close to see if anything took my fancy. Yes, his soul was in sight. It would be easy enough, but he looked scared. Humans were so weak – I was weak and I hated it. Before, I'd always felt nothing and now I felt so tortured that I just wanted to take the all-consuming pain out on him. He struggled against my grip but I slammed him hard against the wall again, watching as his eyes widened in pain and then his head lolled to one side.

            "Honestly, Samael. I leave you for one moment to be greeted by our delightful door boy and you try to have your dark way with him," came a voice I knew well.

            "...Benjamin," I drawled in return, opening my fingers to allow the boy to slip to the floor as I turned around.

            Ben was wearing a tailored black suit with red velvet loafers and – "Is that a cravat?"

            "Yes," he said, touching his fingers to the silk as he gave me the look he always saved for me; his favourite son. "I became so tired of being so – brown – when I was playing the "teacher" back at your beloved's school."  He hovered on the word beloved and my insides twisted uncomfortably, but I didn't show it. I hated him, but he was like a father to me. He'd helped me at my most vulnerable once.

            "Samael..." said Ben, his tone questioning.

            I stared at the man that had both built my new life and destroyed it. I'd seen him only days before and his tone hadn't been nearly as charming... 

It had been the day I'd almost lost control with Ava. The day after her birthday, in the caravan. It had been miles to any village, but I'd found a church and for the first time since my change, I'd prayed. I hadn't dared go inside, but I'd knelt on the cool stone step outside the porch.

            "Dear Lord," I'd choked out, half expecting to be struck down for blasphemy. Surely it was sinful for a creature like myself to address the Lord? "Dear Lord," I tried again, my voice hoarse, partly from nerves and partly from the roiling hunger inside me that I'd somehow managed to curve. "I have no right to ask for your guidance. I've long since been a child of God, but –" I swallowed hard. "I need to know what the right thing to do is." I'd looked up at the church, towering overhead, it's gothic spires puncturing the grey sky, the rain hammering down on my face.

            "The girl loves me and you know I love her. I know I don't deserve her love or acceptance, but somehow she's fallen from your path and found me and I know it's wrong, but please God... Please help me to keep her from sin. Please help me to control the beast inside me," I ran my hands across the damp stone step, grit catching in my nails. "Please," I begged, my eyes straining closed. Only the hammering of rain continued, soaking into my jeans and running down my bare back. "Please."

            "How touching," came another, rougher voice.

            I stood up immediately and found myself face to face with Blake. His dark hair was stuck to his forehead and his eyes were alight with humour.

            "Turning back to the big guy for guidance. Times must be tough..."

            "What do you want?" I said.

             "You're not dead..." he said. "Which can only mean –"

            "What do you want?" I cut in. If he so much as breathed in her direction...

            Blake had only smiled.

            He'd left and that's when I'd gone to Seline to ask her to turn my mother's locket into a talisman for Ava. I'd planned to give it to her anyway, but now it was vital. I knew then that it was only a matter of time. Ava's and my choice to be together or not was out of our hands. A slow, painful thirty-two hours passed before Ben tracked me down and stated the facts...

"Come back to the coven dear boy. I'd hate darling Ava to fall into Blake's hands again." Ben's demeanour had been his usual calm, gentleman-like self, but I knew the power that roiled inside him. A power he'd used to help me once before, but a power which could just as easily be turned against me – now that I was no longer the dominant reaper.

"Give me a day," I'd said. I knew there was no point arguing with Ben.

"A day," said Ben, bracing his hand on my shoulder. "Then you return to us. Your family."

He'd gone and I'd hated myself. Closing my eyes, I thought quickly. Ava would never believe me if I said I didn't love her. It was too transparent. She knew I loved her. Her only weakness was knowing I was a beast and knowing humanity was torture to me. It would devastate her, telling her that she wasn't enough, but I had to do it. I only needed to find enough of that beast inside me to put on a convincing act. She couldn't see the human me. She had to see the demon.

So I'd given in. I'd spent the day following soul threads. I'd gone from natural deaths to accidents to wards of terminally ill patients, sucking the life out of human after human. Each one of them was ready. Humanity took a lot more than that to destroy once it found its way into your body; even a cursed body like mine. It wouldn't be enough to destroy that part of me, but it would be enough to give the physical reaction I needed for proof to show Ava. Proof that I really was the demon I said I was. Proof that I really could no longer live as I was.

I thought I'd been tortured with the memories in my head, but watching Ava crumble in front of me was worse than all of it put together. It made me angry enough that I'd wanted to suffer. I'd left that night for the coven...

            "Don't be sour," Ben crooned. "It would never have worked." His eyes held something fatherly.

            "I know," I said, showing him no signs of weakness, despite knowing that he would still notice the pain I was in. Unfortunately, he knew me better than anyone – even more so than Seline or Ava.

            "Come. Let us go and drink, smoke and take joy in the fruits of humanity." His eyes gleamed and I knew I must, if only to forget the pain in my chest like nothing I'd ever experienced before, but first –

            "Wait." I watched him pause and turn to me inquiringly. "Your word," I said, watching him carefully. Let's see if his word meant anything.

            "Samael –"

            "Your word," I repeated. His warm gaze flickered, but I'd walk out the fucking door if I had to.

            "My word," he repeated, taking tentative steps towards me. His eyes seemed sincere. "Samael... you have it."

            "How –?"

            "You have my word. She will not be harmed."

            "And the witch?" I pressed.

            "A deal's a deal." This time his tone was final and I wasn't sure I had the strength to fight anyway. Humanity had vexed me long enough. Plus, Ava had the locket. At least that much could leave my tormented mind at rest. That and the enormous volumes of alcohol I intended to drink tonight.
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