Promises (Jack Gilinsky)

Chapter 66

The next thing I know, I'm sliding down the wall, burying my face in my hands. My mind is blocking out the reality of my current life. The only thing that I can think about is not having Jack when this all is over. Thinking that he may never leave that hospital alive, thinking that I won't be able to see his smile or hear his voice ever again, thinking that the next time I see him, I'll be preparing to say goodbye forever: that's all that comes to my mind.

I feel my body shake with every sob that escapes it. I just sit there on the cold tile floor, letting out all of the emotions that I have to hide from everybody. Why don't they understand how I feel? All of the guys lost Jack, too. How are they all fine, meanwhile I'm too busy drowning myself in my own demons to do anything else? Why can't they feel the pain that I do?

Wait, I know why. It's because they're trying to be strong. They have to keep their composure for me. They don' want me to see them like that. It's just one more thing for me to make harder on them.

I stop my thoughts when somebody knocks on the bathroom door.

"Charlotte?" I hear Cameron say from the other side.

"What do you want?" I say as innocently as possible as I quickly try to wipe the tears away from my face. I take a few deep breaths to stop my crying.

"Can I come in?" He asks. When I don't reply fast enough, he just opens the door.

I quickly get to my feet and stand up so that he doesn't have to witness my emotional break down.

"What do you want, Cameron?" I say.

"I want to know what's wrong, Charlotte." He replies as he shuts the door and sits on the counter. "I don't wanna hear that you're fine again. I want you to actually talk to me."

I don't know why, but for some reason what he says gets me annoyed.

"Are you serious?" I scoff. "Are you seriously asking me what's wrong? If you can't figure that out, then maybe you should just leave." I cross my arms in front of me, expecting him to just leave me here alone.

"Ok, you and I both know that I'm not leaving here until you talk." He says. "I understand that you're still hurting because of Jack. All of us are. But you need to talk and explain. We both know that what you're feeling is a lot deeper than you're letting on."

I sigh, not willing to give into him yet. "Why are you so suddenly interested in me? You haven't bothered talking to me all week to see how I was? In fact, the only people that I've talked to are Johnson and Shawn. So why do you care now?"

"Well, I thought that you would wanna be alone. Ya know, have some time to yourself. I mean, that's what you do right? You hide and keep your feelings locked up because you don't want to bother anybody with your problems. So I thought that if I waited to talk to you, then you might open up. But I see that that's not the case." He replies back with a hint of attitude in his voice.

I stand there for a minute, looking at him. I keep my arms crossed, until I finally decide to give in.

I sigh once more, but this time out of defeat. "Fine. But I don't really know what you want to hear from me."

"Yes you do. You just don't want to talk about it."

Damnit. He knows and I know that he's right, and I'm completely aware that he will sit here for hours to hear the answer.

"Okay, well did you ever think that maybe that's why I'm so upset? Did you ever think maybe I'm not happy because I can't talk about my feelings?" I snap slightly back at Cameron.

"What do you mean you can't talk about your feelings? Of course you can talk about them. You just don't like to, therefor you choose not to." He says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"No, Cam, you don't understand." I say, leaning back onto the wall and putting my head in my hands, hoping that maybe if I keep it there long enough, then this whole conversation will just go away.

"What don't I understand?"

"You don't understand how it feels, okay?" I say, looking back at him. "You don't know what it's like to feel completely stranded in your mind, drowning in your thoughts. I'm not trying to say that your life has always been easy, because I've only been here for part of it. But I just don't think that you've ever had to witness what I am."

He's quiet for a moment, probably trying to comprehend what I'm trying to say. "You know, you're right." He finally speaks. "I don't know what it's like to feel like that. But, I still don't think that I understand what you're trying to say." He admits.

So, I continue. "Well, it's like..." I pause, not sure what to say. I look down at the ground, trying to muster up some way to explain this feeling. "It's kind of like... being stuck in the middle of the ocean. You're surrounded by so much water, but you can't drink any of it because it's obviously saltwater, and it will kill you. So, you have to suffer, just sitting there while you're being teased by Mother Nature herself. Then, if you do give in to drinking the water, it feels as if it gives you just the slightest bit of relief, but only for a little while. So, you keep drinking it. But, what you don't think about is how while you're getting the temporary relief, you're slowly dying. It takes a while until you realize what is actually happening, but by the time you do....it's too late. So, drink the water, you die, don't drink the water, you still die. There's no option there. Either way, you know that you'll end up losing the battle, and there's nothing you can do to stop it."

When I realize that I've stopped talking, I look back up to see some sort of indifferent look on his face. It looks as if he doesn't know how to react to what I've said, so I just keep talking.

"The point is, I know that no matter what, I can't win. No matter what I do, I'm gonna end up losing. Its what happens every time. But, most times, I usually give in to drinking the water. I always take the path that I think will help the most. That path gives me the happiness that I want, but it's only temporary. So. each time, it comes back around, and each time, it hurts ten times more than the last. I can't just be happy, Cameron. It's so much more complicated than that. But I can't change it. There really is nothing that I could do to make it better. So, I decide that I at least want a little bit of happy, even though it's gonna make things seem so much worse the next time. I don't talk about things because I know that I can't help myself by doing that, I know that if I do that, then it will just make me feel worse. So, I just keep everything bottled up so that nobody has to see how I really feel inside."

By the time I finish talking this time, his face still has the same expression on it. I guess that I had much higher hopes for his reaction than I should've. But I guess I should be used to having such high hopes that get crushed each time by now.

At long last, he finally speaks. "Charlotte, I really wish I understood how you felt. But I don't. So, I'm not gonna try to tell you that it will get better or that everything's okay, because I know that you don't wanna hear it. But, I just want you to know that you can talk to me, okay? You can talk to an of us. The last thing I want is for you to hide how you feel just because you're afraid to see how we react. And, I know it doesn't seem like it, but talking about will probably actually help. If you keep it hidden from us, then it's gonna be all you ever think about, which is going to definitely keep you from being happy. So, please, next time you ever feel this bad, just come to one of us and tell us. We want to help you."

"Really?" I feel myself smile a little bit, feeling better after hearing his words of advice.

"Yes, really. Now what do you say we go back out to the guys and tell them that you want to come with us to see Jack?" He asks, smirking similarly to how I am.

"Sure." I say. Cameron slides down form the counter and holds his arms out for a hug. I graciously accept his offer, taking in his warmth, forgetting about all of my problems for a second.

A year ago, if you would've told me that I would end up with friends like this and a boyfriend like Jack, then I would've said you were crazy. But here I am. Maybe, a year from now, things will be better. Maybe I'll have finally found my permanent happiness in these people that have already made my life so much more enjoyable. But, for now, I just have to work with what I've got.