Promises (Jack Gilinsky)

Chapter 66

The circles under my eyes are much too noticeable, and I cringe just looking at them. My eyes have taken on a permanent puffiness and redness, causing the bags the look even worse. I'm pretty sure that I haven't brushed my hair all week, so it's become a tangled mess, lazily resting in the ponytail that it has been in since last Friday. My skin is even paler than before, which is terrible because I was pretty pale I even before this all. My lips are chapped and cracked horribly with multiple splits in the thin skin. Of course, all of this together is resulting in something monstrous. I'm almost surprised that nobody made me do something about it.

But that's not all that's wrong. I wish it was, but it's not. There's something else.

I wish I could use words to describe what I'm seeing, though I don't think it's possible. I don't know how to name the difference I see, but it's the worst part of it all. Sure, all of the other things make me look horrific, but this is just making it so much worse.

I've lost it. I'm not sure what exactly it is that I've lost, but I know that something's missing. You can tell.

Have you ever seen somebody after something bad has happened: how they act differently and how something about them just isn't the same? Well, it's kind of like that. I've lost the sparkle, the liveliness, the presence that I had before. I've become nothing more than a dull she'll of the girl that I was before. That's the best way to describe what I'm seeing

I would say that this is shocking, but it's not. I could feel it happening. Ever since I got that phone call from the hospital, I could feel it slipping away. I could feel the life being drained away, but I ignored it. The problem's that before, I just didn't pay attention. I pretended that I felt the same when I didn't. Now, I can't pretend that I don't see or feel it. You can tell just by looking at me that I'm not the same. And it's terrifying.

The sight and thought of what I've become starts to bringing tears to my eyes. A million things start rushing through my head, none of them good.

What if it doesn't get better?

What if Jack doesn't wake up?

What will happen then?

I haven't even tried considering what life would be like without Jack. Mostly because I'm just too scared. But now, I can't help but think of it.

I can see myself, quietly walking through school. Everybody would be looking at me, whispering to each other. "I feel so bad for her." "She never gonna be the same." "I can't even imagine what she's going through."

They would all stand there, mentally pitying me. All the while, I would be a complete mess. I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep. I would be too damaged to. And nobody would even notice that I would slowly be dying. They would all be too caught up in talking about how I've let myself go and how miserable I must be. They wouldn't see the real problems. Nobody ever does.

I would probably stop talking to any of the guys. I would just block them out because they would remind me too much of Jack. Eventually, they would all just give up on trying. Even Johnson would probably get tired of trying to help. But I can't blame them.

I can just see it now, my mind crumbling down, similarly to how it is now. Giving up would become the only option. I would have no worth, no soul, and no will to move on with my life. I would keep trying to pull through, but it wouldn't work. One day, something would push me over he edge. It would make the decision for me. And then...

The thought of this is too much to bear. Looking here at myself in the mirror, thinking about a future without Jack is more than I can handle. I've known that it's possible that my future won't include Jack since the incident, but now it's really hit me hard.