Breaking Ice

Breaking Part: Thirty-two

Trigger warnings: vivid descriptions of sadness and non-explicit indication of passive suicidal ideation.

I don't need no help
I can sabotage me by myself
I don't need no one else
I can sabotage me by myself

THIRTY-TWO

Take control of your life.

Ice pondered over Lex's parting words on the car ride home. Take control, huh. Hindi ba't nasobrahan na ata siya sa control? She controlled every freakin aspect of life kaya siya ganito ganito ngayon. In a dysfunctional family, not talking to her friends, stressing over if her current friends still like her or not. Isn't control supposed to be good? Diba dapat dahil doon may direksyon ang buhay niya? But now why does she feel like she's stuck at this point of her life? Does she have to regain control to move forward or let it fall apart and start anew?

The latter sounded very tempting.

If only she could drop everything, change her name and move to a province. If only she could just disappear from the face of the earth. That'd be great.

Ice wanted to laugh out of bitterness. Kung ganon lang sana kadali ang lahat. Kung pwede lang sana siyang umalis nang wala siyang masasaktang iba. Kung hindi lang sana papasa sa iba ang lungkot na ito once she's gone. Kung wala lang sana siyang maiiwan, ginawa na niya.

She feels hypersensitive about everything that she wants to shut down nalang and reboot. Arriving at a silent "home" didn't help. Sana sinalubong siya ni Skippy, pero Uno still had him at maibabalik lang ito pag naka uwi na rin sila galing bakasyon.

Ice sighed. The past couple of days were a nightmare. They literally spent Christmas sitting in front of the fire place eating take out while waiting for 12 am. Iyon na ang noche buena nila ng Kuya niya. Ang mga magulang naman nila ay umattend ng isang Christmas party na planado na bago palang dumating sina Ice. Ice and Lex didn't care. Mukhang wala rin namang pakialam ang magulang nila na iiwan nila ang dalawa kasi eversince that night silent treatment talaga silang lahat. It was so silent to the point na Lex and Ice just looked at each other for one second then they were out of the door the next para kumain sa pinaka malapit na fast food chain. For breakfast palang 'yon ah.

Siguro 'yon na rin ang point na Ice accepted she had very shitty parents at hindi na sila magbabago. Na imbis ayusin ang sitwasyon lalo pang lumala. There were a lot of things they could've done, they just chose not to do it. That alone confirms na wala na silang pakialam kung ano man ang gawin ng magkapatid. Lex booked their respective flights that same day, kahit gaano pa kamahal pinatos na ni Lex makaalis lang sila. The next day they were off. Saktong parehas nasa trabaho ang magulang nila.

Umiling nalang si Ice. Tapos na. Pwede sana na siya huminga ulit but looking at an empty house makes her want to cry. At her lowest, she's alone. She might not be strong enough to get through it this time. It took everything in her not to break down sobbing the moment she closed the front door.

Isang text ang pinadala niya kay Lex, informing him na nakauwi na siya. Binagsak nalang niya ang dalang gamit sa lapag ng kwarto, turned the AC on, laid herself on the bed and forced herself to fall asleep.

Ice woke up to the incessant vibrating of her phone. Thinking it was Lex, sinagot niya agad without opening her eyes, pero ang sumalubong sa kanya ay ang boses ni Castiel.

"Naka uwi ka na daw?"

Nang hindi sumagot si Ice, Cast went on. "Hoy? Lilo? Hello? Buhay ka na ba? Sabi sakin ni Stellar naka balik na daw si Lex kaya inisip ko baka naka uwi ka na rin."

Ice groaned at the nagging headache she's feeling na mas lalo pang lumala sa boses ni Cast. "I just woke up."

"Jet lag huh?"