Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Joanna: Marry Me

"As he leads me, I couldn't help but get fascinated by my surrounding. I compared myself to the people, unlike me they will be unfazed and nonchalant about it as they routinely attend these kinds of events."

Instead:
As he led me inside, I couldn't help but grow fascinated by my surroundings. I compared myself to these people, who, unlike me, were unfazed and nonchalant about an event they no-doubt routinely attended.

If you re-read your first sentence, you'll notice the tense change I mentioned before. Leads-couldn't.

Example:

"Also, the guests are still pouring in so is why is he not welcoming them? The answer again sprinted in my mind, his wife—"

Instead:

Also, the guests were still pouring in, so why was he not welcoming them? His wife—"
Avoid using phrases like sprinted in my mind, or in a bullet speed etc. My brain did a one-eighty when I first read those.

Example:

"This old man can't live without work even on this day. I have never met his son personally but I hope that he is not like his old man."

Instead:

That old man couldn't live without work even on a day like this. I had never met his son personally, but I hoped he wasn't like him.

The word 'old man' is repeated here. There is no need for that. You can refer to him twice in a sentence if you like, but use something else. His name, title, anything the readers will understand as being him. But again, no need to be extravagant about it.

Example:

"A negligible blushed spread on my face, I am sure that my cheeks are not a hue of red."

Instead:

A blush spread on my face. I was sure my cheeks were a bright red.

Negligible means insignificant, so it doesn't stick with your sentence. You use present tense again here, even though you use past tense more throughout the book. Also, at the end, you wrote 'are not a hue' which means they're not red. I suppose that might also be an editing error so I suggest you remember that while writing. :)

Example:

"She broke the hug, grinning. "Do you know what that means your mate never rejected you—""
The question isn't made clear here, add a question mark right after the 'means', and continue.

Example:

"Wait for some time."

I saw this one constantly being repeated while I read. You meant to say 'wait for a moment'. It sounds a lot better, and is grammatically correct.

Example:

"But I knew better than smiling that is making an impression."

I was very confused about what you meant while first reading this. I assume you meant that smiling made an impression? If so, please edit that part to make it clear. This sentence seemed incoherent when I first read it.

Example:

"Park territory" = Pack territory

That was also repeated a couple of times.

Example:

"Even though he is my mate but the hella work load!!"

Again, change of tenses. There is also the fact that you used two exclamation marks instead of one, which is not needed. I can't really help with this sentence, because I could change it in a number of different ways, but I didn't understand what exactly you meant at that time. It's incoherent.

Example:

"This company is already rich, how more wealthy they want to be?"

Instead:

That company was rich already, how much wealthier did they want to be?

Example:

"I am looking for you from the past 5 minutes."

Instead:

I've been looking for you for the past 5 minutes.

Example:

"The fire in his mouth stop due to water of triumph in search."

I can tell what you're trying to say here, but I had to re-read that a bunch of times to clear it in my head. There is almost no coherence at all between these words. Stopped, would also be the correct grammar here, but the meaning is what you should work on editing the most.

I also saw "great full" a few times. The correct word here is grateful.

Example:

"Sun was shining upon me, it was golden. I stopped after I don't how long."

First of all, 'The sun was shining upon me'. The comma there should turn into a period if you wish to keep the sentence as it is. Then continue with the color. After that, there's a 'know' missing. 'I don't know how long.'

Example:

"But I made eye contact with him and him nearly submission to me."

Instead:

But I made eye contact with him, and he nearly submitted to me.
I won't be referring to any more of them, I'll just close by saying that you need to edit your book thoroughly.

Writing Style: 1/10

To be honest, your writing style was overshadowed by the grammar and the errors in your sentence structure. My mind kept constantly trying to re-arrange your words correctly, and correct the grammar while reading. After a little while, I grew tired of reading through it. I'd just get stuck to sentence after sentence, so the progress was very slow.

Editing should be your priority right now.

Character Development: 3/10

We haven't seen that much character development, since Evan falls into this routine of trying to make his mate fall for him.

We can tell that he is loyal to his friends, and wants to help them when need be. It's also pretty obvious that he is a very emotional guy, but I haven't seen a change in him from the moment I started reading. It just feels like his character is stagnant, and it all just centers around his mate.

Build into it a little more. Tell us his back story, write about his struggle when he first left the pack to join the humans. That must have been a huge change. Was it easy for him? Did his wolf constantly try to get out at first? Write more about him and his way of thinking.

Dialogue: 6/10

Your dialogue was pretty good. There were a few punctuation errors, but they weren't repeating ones.

First, and foremost, you should know when to put a comma in dialogue. Again, it wasn't reoccurring, but I thought it'd be better if I explained that part, so you could understand what

I'm talking about better.

When in dialogue, you need to use a comma if it's followed by a verbal tag. Such as: she said, yelled, shouted, etc.

For example, you wrote:

"I will come there." A tensed male voice said. I was not able to recognize the familiar.

Notice the 'said' here?

Also, there is no reason to capitalize the 'a' after it. It should be capitalized if the sentence ends with a period.

Instead it should be: 

"I will come there," a tense voice said. I wasn't able to recognize it, even though it sounded familiar.

OVERALL SCORE: 24/75

I hope I've helped you and your writing by pointing these out.

Have an amazing day!