the roman numerals are kind of relaxing, not gonna lie. i'm not sure why they are, but they are, and for all i know i might be doing them completely wrong but i think i've got them.
college has been going well, my classes are all quite easy so far but most of them aren't the most interesting. i'm planning on getting ahead one day (something i keep telling myself and something i have yet to do).
yesterday mark and i argued, which is completely okay because arguments happen and we talked it out.
but after we argued i realized how i cope with arguments and things changing. basically, when something changes (e.g. mark and i argue), i have a need to go and make sure everything else is still the way it should be (e.g. i clean the house, i get all my schoolwork done), and usually this is a good way for me to handle things because it's productive and not destructive.
yesterday was weird though, because after we argued i went and cleaned the kitchen (as i do), and then after i started to panic because i didn't have anything to "fix" (apparently my mind decided to ignore all the schoolwork i had, but at the time i had all my current schoolwork done, i just didn't consider getting ahead).
this is when i called my friend casey (i named her in the previous chapter, she's a mutual friend of mark and i) and i told her how i was freaking out and what was going on. we sorta just chilled on call for a bit while i cried for a while and i was trying to explain to her that the reason i was crying wasn't because mark and i argued (i knew that mark and i would be okay once we talked things out, we always are), but rather i had nothing else to fix in that moment and i didn't know what to do with myself. once she understood that, we kept talking and i think what ended up happening was that us talking about it was my way of "fixing" me panicking. We talked about it and she told me that while fixing other things is a good way for me to cope, being so dependent on it that I panic when I have nothing to do isn't the healthiest thing. She basically told me to lie down and not think about what to fix or what to do and just enjoy being there and being me, which helped. and then after that i went and spammed mark about how mean he was being (lmfao) and then we talked it out after and we're okay now.
so this entry is kind of my way of acknowledging that i need to learn how to be able to just stop and lie down and be happy about right then, which sounds cheesy, but it's something i want to work on.
(also if mark reads this he's gonna be like "i've been telling you to stop and to take a breath for so long now and now you're listening because casey said it in a nicer way smh")
yes mark, she said it in a nicer way. deal with it. (ily though)
i think all of my entries also serve as reminders too, since i occasionally go back to my old entries and read them and think about how i was feeling and what i was thinking back then, so that's kind of cool too. it also shows me how self-centered i was being at the time, or a bunch of my faults, so knowing that about myself is good too, i can work on it if i know about it.
yeah, that's it for now. hope everyone's doing well.
⬫ elle ⬫
september 15th, 2020
YOU ARE READING
paroxysm - diary
Non-Fiction(n): sudden outburst of emotion-typically negative emotions. the diary (rant book?) of a girl that doesn't know how to articulate herself properly. it's technically a journal too but let's call it a diary.
