i could be fucking up the roman numeral chapter titles for all i know since i decided not to google them and instead use my terrible memory to recall them.
today's a really weird day. it's only noon, but i was thinking earlier, and i realized something that became obvious to everyone else a year ago. i spent a while crying over it because i'm dramatic, told mark about it, and then left because i realized how stupid i sounded and i didn't want to deal with him telling me exactly that.
i'm in the mood to take my bike and go for a bike ride alone and not come back until all i'm thinking about is the fat red bird on a tree somewhere, but unfortunately i can't.
one; medical issues (the same thing i've been crying over)
two; quarantine, which has been loosened, but i feel the need to have two reasons as to why i can't go on a bike ride alone.
if i wanted to go, i'd have to take my brother or my sister with me, neither of which i want with me. my sister would complain and my brother would demand that i race with him, and if i chose not to, he'd incessantly whine and complain about my medical issues dragging him down with me.
i don't think this will be a long entry since i can't stop looking outside, i might go and play basketball in the backyard, but i feel too tired.
i don't know what i want to do. sleeping feels like a waste, a quiet bike ride seems impossible, youtube seems like the wrong app to be on, and talking to mark clearly isn't an option.
mark's pretty cool sometimes. he's my #1 (even if he's in a different country) but sometimes i can't stand him or tell him things because he's going to make me face reality (or get confused and annoyed since i'm not articulating properly), neither of which i'm up to if i'm telling him about how bad i feel.
before i told him about all this he mentioned he wasn't feeling that well either and i debated just not telling him anything and being there for him but i've done that way too many times and i know i'd sound off, something he'd realize.
i'd just go on a bike ride alone since i doubt my siblings would notice but my father's home and he'd notice and i'd rather not deal with a lecture when i get back.
i'll figure it out, i guess.
⬫ elle ⬫
june 18th, 2020
YOU ARE READING
paroxysm - diary
Non-Fiction(n): sudden outburst of emotion-typically negative emotions. the diary (rant book?) of a girl that doesn't know how to articulate herself properly. it's technically a journal too but let's call it a diary.
