paroxysm - diary

ix

hey, i felt the need to update this even though i'm not feeling something really strongly right now, which is usually what i'm feeling when i update this.

i'm doing okay, kinda. it's like i'm okay but i'm also on the brink and anything that bothers me pisses me off but only for a short while and then i'm back to being indifferent. so like, a short brink that i can climb up from. i was thinking earlier and wondering what it would be like if i started doing things with my mom and how that'd go. i asked her about how she feels about working out for a short while (i told her half an hour, max) with me in the morning but she wasn't really open to the idea since she's not an exercise person, which is a little disappointing. i've also thought about making her read books with me, books that we'll each pick. i don't know how the idea came into mind, but it's like she'll pick out a book and i'll pick out a book and the first week we'll read the book we picked, and the next week we'll read the book the other picked. nothing about discussing the book, just reading them. i feel like if she starts reading more and gets into the flow of having a set thing to do each day, it would be good for her (and me, since she'd start acting less stupid). 

technically, she can read books on her own, but nothing's going to push her, which is why the idea of her having a "deadline" to finish that book before i read it (i like to think that i intimidate her sometimes when it comes to things like that, sounds arrogant and unrealistic, i know). the deadline is somewhat flawed though, considering she might just skim through it or read through it without really digesting anything, so i'll have to find a balance if i bring this up to her so that she sees the deadline isn't something she has to have done, but rather just a reminder to have a consistent reading schedule where she actually reads actively. 

it would make sense for her to pick out her own books so that she has more interest in them, but if i told her to pick the books, not only will she cluelessly pick a book like fifty shades of grey, but she'll probably stick to a specific genre that she thinks i'll find interesting, she has a habit of wanting to kinda "meet my expectations" for stuff like this (once again, this makes me feel like i intimidate her). the point of her picking a book and me picking a book is so that she has an option and she gets to explore on her own (if she doesn't read outside of this arrangement at all) and so that i can slowly push her into exploring different genres and focus areas, which would be cool. 

i'll need to make sure she feels comfortable talking to me about the books too, even if we don't have a set discussion time, since english is her third (maybe fourth idk) language and even if she's extremely interested in certain topics, she might need clarification for certain things. not only that, she might want to know how those topics work, so conceptual clarification would also be a benefit of her being comfortable talking to me.

i feel somewhat stupid writing all this out, because knowing me i won't bring it up because knowing her (yes i added that twice in a row, deal with it) she's not going to be interested and even if she is at first, she'll slowly stop being interested once it doesn't meet up to her expectations (she's the kind of person that expects immediate results, and if she doesn't feel like a genius instantaneously then that's it for her).

a part of that might be my fault as well, when it comes to discussions like this (outside-of-home discussions) she's made it clear that i expect too much from her and that i've always pushed her consistently, which is what makes her uncomfortable and intimidated by me (because it's embarrassing to her that her daughter has to push her towards something that she "should be better at").

my mom's also been really confused with how i've been acting. most of the time i don't really talk to her, i respond to her with neutral facial expressions/tones in my voice, but occasionally she'll do a small thing that'll piss me off for the next ten minutes. i feel bad for her, it's like she's walking on eggshells around me most of the time since she doesn't know when i'm going to snap. she's been getting less annoyed at me lately (not to say she hasn't gotten annoyed at me), and i'm not sure why that's happening. a part of me feels like she's just started to treat me like she treats my father (as a stuck-in-their-own-world person that can blow up at any moment if disturbed), yet not entirely since it'd be too embarrassing for her to just take it when her own daughter snaps at her instead of arguing back. 

i don't yell at her, i've started talking in a really irritated voice when she does something annoying, but i don't yell. there have been times where she'll yell and i'll just stare at her and she'll somewhat come to the realization of how ridiculous she's sounding.

and this is all one sided, i don't know what's exactly going on in her head but i can come to certain conclusions. she restricts our relationship a lot by treating me as someone to order around rather than to work with, and if she could get over that, we'd be able to figure out a lot more, but that's just an ego/traditional mindset issue and there's not much i can do about that besides slowly push her. if i rebel entirely, not only am i going to completely destroy my relationship with her, i'll look like the bad guy. and right now i'm not willing to do that, i'd rather just push her a bit at a time and see if i can get somewhere (worst case scenario, i distance myself).

why does it matter that i look like the bad guy? my mom will proceed to tell others in my family and i'd be subject to long, pointless lectures about respecting elders, something i don't want to put myself through.

i have no issue with respecting my mom, and i get why people say you should respect your elders (since most of the time, they're more experienced and thoughtful and will know what to do), but in this situation my mom's so focused on her traditional ways and mindset that she can't realize how some of the things she does are so unbelievably pointless. but if she could get past that, she'd be a great mom. all that really needs to happen right now is that she needs to start thinking more and start considering things i tell her. 

jesus i just read through this and i sound a lot like mark so i'm going to end this here.

⬫ elle ⬫

august 19th, 2020