My Fairy Queen Anne

it feels like an open wound (all i want is you)

TO GILBERT JOHN BLYTHE,

UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO

FROM ANNE SHIRLEY CUTHBERT

QUEENS COLLEGE,

CHARLOTTETOWN, PEI

YOU OK?

Gilbert had just received the news that a telegram had come in for him.

He fumbled around in his pocket to respond to her, but found no money in it. Alexander was visiting his sister while she was in town, and the bank was on the other side of campus. Deciding that the letter probably hadn't reached yet and that she'd probably receive it by tomorrow and her fears would be allayed, he walked out blissfully ignorant.

_________________

Dearest Gilbert,

I haven't even an absolute inkling of an idea why you haven't responded to my previous letter or the telegram. There is a tad more than a week until we are to be reunited, so you might not read this until you are back in Toronto. Nevertheless, I will write because it is what I do best.

I think I've vexed you with talk of future, though I have no inclination as to why. After mere weeks of courting Winifred, your impending nuptials were the talk of the town, yet after almost five months, you completely disappear after I mention it as a possibility in the far future! Don't take me the wrong way, I am in no way ready for any sort of wedding bell just yet, but the least you could do is a simple 'yes' or 'no' when I ask you whether you even plan on having a future with me. I will say, if you really do have throwaway intentions with me, this is an awfully foolish, twisted way to have a college fling. After all those golden words and silver promises! 

I admit, the thought has crossed my head that in these long weeks that you might have found another, but the thought was shaken out just as quickly by the girls. You're lucky I have them to keep me sane, or I might have driven myself off an overpass with madness by now.

I'm trying to make this long distance affair work, my love. I really am. I write to you even in the late nights, just to talk to you. I know you're considerably more busy than me, but couldn't you send even a slip of paper? A short telegram letting me know that no horrible fate has befallen you? Josie faithfully receives letters from Alexander, and I wonder if it is me.

I know that you're a hard worker, and you may not have time for my nagging, but I can't help but wonder if you're drifting away from me on purpose, Gilbert. I don't want to leave you. I love you more than anyone, but I'm starting to think that after all this, you're leaving me and I'm holding on as tight as I can futilely.

If you were to leave me, truthfully, I couldn't see a future without you. I remember the feeling when I heard about Winifred. It was hard to be anywhere when I saw you laughing with her, grazing her arm in those secret touches I hoped would be between us, escorting her everywhere. It felt like an open wound from the inside out. I think that now that I know what it's like to hold you and kiss you and have you be all mine, it would feel like a slow, excruciating death by a thousand cuts.

I know I'm not a perfect debutante with a rich background. I know that I freeze up in panic when I think of my past. I know my intelligence insults the egos of many men. I know I lash out and that my words shoot to kill when I'm mad. But I love you and I will continue making this beautiful, exhilarating, passionate, loving relationship work as long as you want me to. 

I will end this here. I will see you on the twenty third. Whether it is to kiss you or say goodbye, I guess I'll have to find out.

With my whole heart,