Dearest Gilbert,
Oh dear, how shall I even begin to describe this week, my love? It all started with your letter and though I (most humbly, may I teasingly add) forgave your unnecessary apology, I am a little ashamed to tell you that it sent me down a small spiral of self doubt. It worries me sometimes, to be completely honest. For the better part of my existence, I was cursed and spat at and told I was no better than a sniveling rat on the street, so when I look at ladies like Miss Stuart, known to be the epitome of beauty and grace, my mind automatically goes to that place of doubt.
I'm getting better at that; I swear on my most favorite Parisian chocolate caramels Diana's mother imports from France sometimes. I find myself growing in confidence by the day. I suppose a support system of loving friends (and more than friends, such as you, my dear) does that to you. I sometimes still go back to that darker place, but I can go to my happy place eons quicker and stay there for longer. Actually, more than going to a happy place, it's that my default mindset isn't delusion as a coping mechanism anymore. It's not imaginative scenarios (although I'm glad I've still retained a very active imagination). It's simply contentment. Even in the face of life's daily troubles, even as I always continue to work towards the next chapter, I am content with my life, something I never imagined I would be.
On that note, you will be pleased to know that I didn't let some insufferable cad ruin my day. Ugh, Royal Gardner. Even the name makes me want to gag now. The fool had the guts to insult Austen, ask for my presence at tea, scorn you, then offend me! Sometimes, I think that some men hate women so much they must just be attracted to men. There's no other explanation for why one could be so crass to someone they claim to adore. Men like that make me absolutely furious at the world, if you don't mind me saying. Every day I thank God I have stupendous people like you and Cole in my life to balance out these scoundrels, a blight on their whole sex.
The next big event was me not being able to sleep the next night because I just couldn't stop thinking about Matthew. I thought I was over it, but I should've known a month was suspiciously short. I had a brief two week grieving period after he died, but somewhere in the middle of that, life got in the way of my moping and it escaped from my mind.
I got some sufficient time to sit with my thoughts and the time of year combined with reminiscing made fresh tears flow. So you can imagine lovely Josie's reaction when she saw me weeping by the window at an ungodly hour of morning! The sweet girl probably thought I was some apparition come to haunt her!
Anyways, Josie found me blubbering positively unbecomingly and comforted me with her romantical love story, and it calmed me down. I still miss Matthew with the most painful of aches, and no one could begin to replace the easy companionship I had with my beloved father, but Josie has been in my corner whenever I've needed her these last few months. I'm ever so grateful for that.
Come to think of it, that sentence looks so strange to me. Even a half year ago, Josie would have been a mean old cow in my book, and she certainly would not be the one telling me romantical tales.
That being said, I do not in any way regret all that's been healed between me and her. She's proved to be a wonderful person and an even more astoundingly stead fast friend. I never thought I'd be saying this, but... Josie Pye may be a kindred spirit. I find myself drawn to her witty friendliness more often than not. It's strange, this whole time as a mean girl in my eyes, I never stopped to consider why. I came up with it a few nights ago.
The same way I adopted my happy fantasies to keep me going in the physical abuse I went through, she closed up and became insensitive so she wouldn't be affected by the emotional distress she grew up in. We're two styles cut from the same cloth, she and I. Although Ruby remains dear to my heart, she spends a lot more time with Moody these days, so I've become especially close to Josie and as always and forever, my darling Diana. She and Diana might be the closest friends I will ever have in a trillion lifetimes, and you might be the most handsome, most patient, kindest love I'll ever have in all my lifetimes.
YOU ARE READING
My Fairy Queen Anne
Fanfiction(Was previously a 50 chapter WIP, rewrites and edits are now in progress and being reposted!) "Sorry to make it yet another argument between us, but you would never understand the feeling that coursed through every vein in my body. You, Anne, drove...
