My Fairy Queen Anne

something keeps me holding on to nothing

FROM MISS ANNE SHIRLEY-CUTHBERT

AVONLEA TELEGRAPH CENTER, PEI

TO MISS DIANA BARRY

QUEENS COLLEGE

CHARLOTTETOWN, PEI

HE'S GONE, SERVICE SATURDAY, TELL EVERYONE

_______________

Anne felt like an invalid.

Or at least, everyone treated her like one.

She'd walk the streets of town and every person would give her a sympathetic glance, frowning and shaking their heads like she had just told them she'd be paralyzed for life.

Couldn't they see that she was alright? She had handled loss before, and she'd do it again. Matthew depended on her to do so. Where ever he was, he wouldn't want her to waste time or tears on him. She had work to do.

If she broke, she wouldn't be able to function for days at least, so she couldn't break. She'd already felt a taste of the rippling pain that incapacitated her when she woke with a start to find Marilla sobbing over an ice cold body. She didn't want to feel it again.

It didn't matter about the gnawing ache that seemed to be eating her from the inside out; that would fade with time. It didn't matter that she constantly wanted to burst into tears; she'd repress them and hold her head high. It didn't matter that Gilbert had come to see her 3 times this morning and 4 times yesterday and that each time she had fibbed so that she didn't have to see him; he would surely tell that she was on the verge of breaking. She just had to push through.

As she was walking back from the telegram office, somebody stopped her, grabbing her shoulder.

"Well, Anne," the lady cried passionately, pulling the girl into a sudden tight embrace. "I just heard this morning! Poor Matthew! Oh, you sweet little soul! Poor Marilla! I'll be by as soon as I can with dinner for you two."

Anne pat her on the back with a grimace. "Thank you, Mrs. Lynde. You're very kind."

"I must be going. Thomas is expecting lunch any minute now. But I'll be by as soon as I can, dear one." The lady excused herself, patting Anne on the cheek with a pitiful smile.

As soon as she had turned the corner, Anne mumbled, "Good riddance" with a fantastic roll of her eyes.

It wasn't long before she ran into another sympathetic supporter, this one even more unwelcome than the last. 

She was walking fast with her head down, eyes trained on the dirt path when she slammed into someone and fell on her rump, the basket of flowers for the service opening and spilling everywhere. Chrysanthemums and daisies -- Matthew's favorites -- all spilled out on the floor surrounding her.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Anne," he apologized profusely, squatting down beside her and sweeping the flowers back into the basket gracefully.

"Gilbert," she said, getting up swiftly and dusting off her skirt. He handed the basket to her and she barely acknowledged him, giving him a stiff nod and a strained smile. She started walking along coolly again, trying to head home.

"Wait, Anne!" She got mild flashbacks of the first day she met him and just like that first day, she ignored him. He caught up to her in a few quick strides.

"I understand you're going through a lot right now and I'll go as soon as you say the word--"

"I'd like you to go," she interrupted sharply, speeding up to an almost jog.

"Just hear me out for a second, Anne," he pleaded, taking longer strides to match hers. God, it was infuriating how long his legs were. "I'll go right after I say this; if you need somebody to talk to, I understand exactly what you're going through. It's not healthy to bottle up your feelings. You know what happened when I did just that!"