No such thing as too many

Not a chapter

Edit- I'm really sorry guys this was also really unnecessary for me to put in so feel free to completely skip this part

Sorry this is the update you guys were looking for but I really need to get this off my chest.

It's been a really hard week with school and everything and my mom is making everything ten times worse

All she's done is yell at me and yell at me and yell at me and I just want to scream and tell her how much I hate her and how horrible she is but I know it will end with her belittling me over and over and I'll be the one to go to sleep feeling like a piece of shit

On top of that, I can't get over the feeling that all of my friends secretly hate me and are just leading me on

They never respond when I text them privately but they'll respond to other people on the group chat and whenever I say something in the group chat I am always the last one to say something and nobody ever responds to me and maybe I'm over reacting but I just keep playing the same senario over and over in my head and I want to scream and cry and pull out my hair

I don't know I'm probably over reacting about everything because I'm 'too sensitive' but whatever.

Sometimes I have really good times with my mom and we laugh and I love her because she's my mom and other times I want to tell her how much I hate her and I want to just run away because she makes me feel so small and worthless and I hate it and I want to yell and her

I wasn't even doing anything wrong today and suddenly she's yelling at me again

She wonders why I never want to spend time with them well it's because of her because she always finds something to belittle me about

One time she slapped me and it gave me and ear infection because I was wearing earrings and the part where it clips in so it stays in your ear for caught and tore part of my ear

I know it could be way worse because she is still providing food and a home and everything but she just doesn't realize that I'm not going to be a perfect child and I'm not her personal slave even if she likes to say it

She takes all her work stress out on me and she just needs to leave work at work

Yes, occasionally you're going to have to tell me to do something more than once because guess what! IM A LAZY TEENAGER. She acts as if she wasn't exactly like this and she was some perfect child and did everything when I know for a fact that isn't true

Overall I really just want to scream and smash things and pull my hair out and punch the walls and yell at people for all the things they've done that have made me feel small and worthless and unwanted and then I want to die

This so called 'God' really has favorites and I am not one of them.

My dad told me I actually looked like a girl this morning.

Made me feel like shit. I don't want to dress like that because it makes me uncomfortable and neither of them seem to get that.

My mom is trying to push these clothes on me and make me have my hair a certain way so I look more like a girl.

I was perfectly fine the way I was dressing before. I wasn't dressing to attract anybody and that was kind if the whole point. If they can't look past the way I dress and my looks, then they don't deserve me

I don't know.

I just know that I'm going to die and it's going to be on my own terms. Not today, tomorrow, not next week, not next month, not even next year. It could be fifty years from now.

I just know that when I die, it's going to be on my one terms. Nobody else's.

If you read all the way through that, thank you.

That really helped calm me down as I am no longer crying and my need to push, kick, pull, punch anything has dimmed.

I'm going to go to bed