Coming Home (English Version)

16. Near

"I feel..." My brain searches for the right words. "Awful and extremely guilty. How's mama?"

"She was pretty upset last night, not sure about today."

"Why did she send you?" I ask.

"Apparently, she thinks that you listen to me."

"Well, I kind of do, don't I? I mean, this is what you wanted."

She tilts her head to the side. "What I wanted, Hamdan?"

"Yeah, that's what you said last time you were here." I remind her.

She rubs her forehead. "Hamdan, I would love to see you do what you want. Not what I want, not what the family wants. That's what I meant, you know? Take some control over your own life."

"Whatever." I shrug. "Same thing, because this is what I want and once the engagement is officially off I thought we might pick things up where we left them eight years ago."

She opens her eyes up wide. "What? Are you serious?"

"You told me to stop apologizing and actually do something and this is me doing something."

Layla stands up. "Are you doing this for me?"

I follow suit to correct her. "For us."

She shakes her head. "Hamdan, no. I was angry and hurt about what happened but even if you're not engaged, I still don't think there's an us."

My body tenses up and my heart begins racing. "What do you mean?"

She brings her hands on top of her head and slides them to the back of her neck. "Are you the same person you were eight years ago? Because I'm not. We've seen each other a handful of times and all of them either started with a fight or ended up with one."

I take two steps in her direction to see if closeness can bring some sense into her. "I don't care who you are now, deep down you're still the same person and now that you're here, I know that my feelings haven't changed."

She lets her arms fall to her sides while breathing heavy and looking at me with her eyebrows drawn together.

"Do not tell me you don't feel the same way, Layla." I insist.

"This is not only about feelings."

I take one final step and take her face with both hands. "How can you say that? If you don't feel the same anymore, I promise you if you give me a chance I can be the man you want."

Her eyes shine with tears and she shakes her head. "You don't need to do anything, Hamdan. In total honesty, I know that nothing will ever change the way I feel about you."

I move forward, leaving no space between us and smooth her hair down with a smile on my face. "See? We can do this, Layla. We can be happy together."

She takes my hands and pushes them down and away from her to turn around and look out the window. "I don't think we want the same things, Hamdan."

"I don't understand."

She turns around, drying her face. "I don't know if I ever want to get married. I don't know if I ever want to have kids."

It feels like my heart falls down to the floor and crushes into a million pieces. When I imagine a future with Layla I see us having a family of our own, I have been daydreaming about it for years.

"So, if you are calling your engagement off because you think that you can marry me instead and that we can have children together... then don't do it."