Coming Home (English Version)

54. Lose

Layla

"But have you guys tried to talk?" Latifa asks me.

I roll my eyes. "Several times and every time we end up fighting, it's as if we spoke two different languages."

My big sister sighs while we sit on the big couch to watch the kids play on the carpet.

"Last time was a couple days ago," I continue. "He suggested we should do some public appearance together because it has been a while since we were seen out and about as a couple, can you believe that? This marriage is in pieces and he still thinks about that sort of stuff. Besides, that was one of the few things I asked him a long time ago; to not make me pretend we are something we are not."

"Yeah," Latifa agrees. "I can't imagine smiling for the pictures while you have all of this going on. How was the therapist?"

"Uh..." I hesitate. "I think she was good, I don't know. I guess one session is not enough to tell, especially when I have so much to address with her."

Latifa reaches for my hand and squeezes it. "I'm so happy that you're going."

She's extremely worried about the way I eat. Living under her roof made it impossible for me to hide my eating habits and finally crumbled down and told her everything about how little food I ingest on a daily basis. The therapist said that I have an eating disorder and it's not that I think that she's wrong, I just have a hard time accepting it, I still think I could get out of it if I wanted to.

"Do you think that Hamdan is willing to go too?" She wonders.

"I don't know," my sight travels to Saeed, who's banging his hands on a toy piano. "I just want to find someone that could really help us before I ask him to come with me."

"But you do want to fix things?"

"Yeah, I do! I just..." I trail off. "I don't even know where to start if we can't even talk."

"Therapy will be great, Inshallah. I think there's always hope as long as you are both willing to work on your problems, because once you no longer care..." She pouts and shakes her head.

"Yeah, I think so too but when I see him and our attempts at having a decent conversation always turn sour, a little bit of my hope dies. Today I got a text from him," I clear my throat and bring my feet up on the couch. "He said that if Saeed and I are not moving back with him then he's going to move out to the old house because he believes that we shouldn't be living in anyone else's house."

"That could be an option," she shrugs. "But you know I love having you here and I would prefer for you to not live alone right now."

"I don't want to be by myself either," I agree.

"What do you think doctor Qassim will tell you tomorrow?"

I let my head fall and complain. For a minute I had forgotten about that. I took a pregnancy test and unlike the last time, doctor Qassim insisted on coming tomorrow to discuss the results in person, as if I didn't have enough drama going on in my life.

"To be completely honest with you," I say to Latifa. "I think I'm pregnant and I think he wants to talk to me because this morning he showed concern about my weight."

"Layla, if you are pregnant--"

"I know, I know, Lati," I don't let her finish. "There's no way I can keep eating like this if I'm pregnant."

"I know that a pregnancy under these circumstances might be perceived as another inconvenience, but maybe this is the blessing your family needs right now."