Daughter of Heaven (WIP)

Chapter 38 - Alone with you inside my mind

"All right. Sorry, Sam."

Dean turned back to the Impala and got in. He watched Sam walk away with his duffel and then drove off in the opposite direction. Cranking up the music, he drove back to Bobby's (now Rufus' cabin). He had the window down and floored the gas to feel the wind.

I have nothing to feel guilty about, he said to himself. She was a monster. She killed people. I did what I had to do. If Sammy can't handle it, that's his problem. I have absolutely no-...

"Son of a bitch!"

Dean hit the cassette player with the palm of his hand, trying to make the song stop. He was getting tired of hearing that damn Foreigner song every single drive he took. It came up no matter what cassette was in, and even when there was no cassette in at all! It was like the universe was trying to send him a message or something. He pulled over and turned the engine off, sick of it all. Sam's behavior, Bobby's nagging, Allegra's... He leaned back and groaned.
Sam had called Allegra a monster once and had insisted Dean killed her. But he hadn't. Because he had stubbornly told Sam she was good and just a victim in a cruel game. He began to understand why his brother had reacted the way he had. Allegra had undoubtedly killed more innocent people than Amy had with her plagues.  
If they hadn't been dating, if they hadn't known each other, if she'd just been a random stranger with immense powers who proved a threat... He would've killed her. Because that's what a Hunter does.

Goddammit! Way to go, Winchester. Ya sure know how to screw everything up.

Dean's eyes wandered off into the distance. He'd pulled over in a small pick-nick area. It reminded him a little of where he'd taken Allegra when they...

Oh, you've gotta be kiddin' me! Come on, pull yourself together!

He willed himself to stop thinking about her. Allegra could probably still hear his thoughts. Not that she did anything with it. She could come to him anytime she wanted to. But she hadn't reached out to him once these past few weeks. 
Dean tried to convince himself they were better off apart, but he couldn't deny he desperately wanted to know if she was doing okay and if she had found somewhere safe to stay, away from the Leviathans and that bastard, Crowley. Even more, he wanted to see her. Hold her. Kiss her. But Dean knew he'd lost her. The way she'd looked at him at the cabin... He broke her heart. Allegra deserved better than him. The best he could do was forget she'd ever been his. But how could he? 

Everything reminded Dean of Allegra. It wasn't just the song playing over and over again; it was little things too. Like the scarf she left behind in the back of the Impala (Dean kept it tucked away in the trunk, next to Castiel's trench coat). Or the necklace he bought her, stashed out of sight in the glove compartment, next to the demonic sterilization juice Crowley gave her. Or even something as stupid as seeing a pair of angel wings on a bar sign. 
Dean couldn't escape her. A part of him didn't want to just leave it all behind. He had never felt something like this before, for anyone. His only good example of love was his parents. And that had ended abruptly when his mother had been killed in a fire in Sam's nursery. His dad had never been the same after that. Dean felt a whole new kind of respect for his old man. Allegra may not be dead, but she wasn't with him. Living without the person you cared for most... was a pretty crappy feeling.

***

It felt like she'd been in Heaven for only a few days, but Allegra knew it must've been weeks now. Castiel once told her time worked differently up here, just like it did in Hell, really. If it weren't for the pattern in Dean's thoughts, Allegra probably wouldn't have noticed. The quiet minutes were the hours he was asleep. And when he wasn't sleeping, Dean seemed to only think of her. 
Allegra knew he wasn't intentionally doing so, but it wasn't so much when she heard him that bothered her, but what she heard. She didn't know what to make of Dean's thoughts. They were sad and angry and remorseful. But she didn't hear the words she needed to hear. Those three stupid words.