Coming Home (English Version)

14. Brave

My eyes cannot longer look at hers and I let my head hang low. There are many things I can do well, better than most, but I failed her, I failed the woman I love, the most important person in my life and for years I ran away from her; our distancing was not entirely up to her, I wanted it too because it was easier. And now that mistake seems greater than all of the accomplishments, honors, power, money. What does all of it even mean when I can't even honor her and my feelings?

"I was wrong." I admit, still unable to look at her. "And I only want you to know that it was just as painful to me as it was to you. I simply didn't know how to handle it, I still don't and I feel like I keep messing everything up with you."

She doesn't say anything and I'm forced to lift my head up. She blinks slowly, sending one single tear down her right cheek.

"I want to go home." She says.

I breathe out and let my shoulders hang. "Okay." I cave in, because at this point I would go jump off a bridge if she asked me to. "Let me get Ghaith."

It's a quiet drive to the warehouses and we quickly change cars when we get there. I don't even bother to bring Ghaith inside again and let the guys take care of that. Once we're in my car there's only more silence. I want to talk to her, I'm finally finding the words and it feels like I have so much to tell her now, they still won't fix anything but they are all I have. When I bring the car to a stop on my driveway she quickly reaches for the handle to open the door.

"Please stay." I request. "Let's talk."

She freezes and turns her head to look at me. "Talk? Talk about what?"

"Us."

Layla opens her eyes wide. "There's no us, Hamdan. There never was and there will never be an us!"

"Layla, please, I'm--"

"Stop it!" She interrupts. "Let me guess; you're sorry."

My jaw tenses up immediately. I know I keep repeating myself but what else am I supposed to do? A little appreciation would be nice, even more so, she doesn't even have to forgive me, she could hate me for the rest of her life if she wanted to, but every single time I try to apologize she blows me off.

She shifts her body entirely in my direction. "You know what? I'm done feeling sorry for you and you should do the same. Here's an idea; why don't you actually do something else besides telling me how sorry you are?"

Layla gets out of the car and I do the same from the other side to catch up to her.

"Don't go!" I call while she walks to her car.

"What's the point in me staying?" She asks while turning back around. "Huh? So we can dwell on how much it stinks that you couldn't say no to your arranged marriage?"

"I could never say no!" I counter.

"Then, that brings us back to my question; what's the point? There's nothing to be done!"

"I told you what happened! I was dragged there, I had no idea what was happening!"

She squints her eyes and comes as close to me as possible. "You're a grown man Hamdan, show a little backbone."

Spinning around she leaves a trail of her perfume as she walks away from me. My chest heaves with every angry breath I take because she has no idea what it's like to be me, she speaks about my life as if it was so simple. The only person I thought understood me and it turns out I can't count on her neither.

I stride all the way up to her and hold her by the arm. "You want to see some backbone? Fine. I'm done with crawling and begging for your forgiveness." I tell her through my teeth. "And as for my feelings for you, I won't deny them, but as a grown man I'll keep my word and do what's right because not all of us can live a reckless life, you know?"

She scoffs and squirms her arm off of my hand. "Don't be so jealous of my reckless life, Hamdan. Freedom is only for the brave ones, you go ahead and do what's right, perhaps that suits you better."

She gets in the car and drives away with screeching tires. I stand there until her car is out of my sight and with long steps I go back into the house. There's a ringing in my ear that keeps me from listening to whatever Mohammed is telling me and I simply dismiss him with my hand because the clenched out jaw keeps me from talking as well. In the entertainment room I pace around attempting to bring my breathing back to normal but her face and her words keep flashing in my head and the anger climbs up my body incessantly. Turning around, I bend over to take the coffee table and flip it over, sending everything on it flying around and to the floor.

I cannot do this. My arranged marriage. There's no way I can go through with it. Layla is right and that's why she makes me so mad. At this point I don't even care if I ever can be with her or not, I'm done with being everyone's puppet. I take the phone out of my pocket and my finger hovers over my mother's contact. Even in the midst of my emotions, I know it is probably best not to talk to her right now, so I scroll all the way down and tap to make another call.

"Hello." Uncle Saeed answers.

"I need to see you. Soon." I reply, breathing heavy.

"What happened? Are you okay?"

I sit down on the couch. "I can't do it, uncle. I won't get married." My voice on the verge of breaking.

"What? Where is this coming from?" He asks me.

"I'm in love with someone else." I admit.

"Hamdan, where are you? Are you home?"

"Yes."

"Do not move, I'm coming over right now."

I throw the phone next to me as soon as my uncle hangs up. I don't think I have ever needed him as much as I do right now, I cannot carry this by myself anymore. I bend my body over and cover my ears with my hands but it doesn't do anything to the voices inside. I can already hear my parents, my siblings, the entire family disapproving and having an opinion about what I should do. I get flashbacks of how every major decision in my life has been dictated by someone else, I used to think that I was happy and honored to serve my country but now I don't know anything anymore. And there, in the middle of the chaos inside my mind her face appears and it calms me down. I imagine her happy, laughing with me, gorgeous as usual. She has always been so good to me and still I broke her heart, perhaps this is only me finally paying for what I did.