Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Joanna: Paint Me a Heart

Also, it is mentioned that her mother married her step-dad and then when they split and she left, she didn't even bother to communicate with her. Shouldn't there be more bitterness over that? Again, through her eyes, what would you feel? Show us more emotion. 

Grammar + Punctuation: 5/20

I'll be perfectly frank here; you need to work on both.

Sometimes you switch tenses while writing. That disrupts the flow of the book, so I'd suggest picking the one you feel most comfortable with and sticking to that.

You also use '?!' a lot, which is incorrect. Try using one of them, while also using an action to emphasize it. For example:

"What do you mean 'you want to leave'?" She yelled, hands splaying around frantically.

There seems to also be a lack in definite and indefinite articles. (a, an, the)

Articles are used before nouns or noun equivalents and are a type of adjective. You can Google them, they will really help you with your writing now and for the future!

While reading, my eye caught on quite a few grammatical errors, which studs the flow of the book and makes me just blink and think it over in my head before continuing. If you write your story using a computer, before you publish it Wattpad actually helps you with that. It points out errors, so you can read those over and correct what needs correcting. You get used to a few things that way, too, so it might help your writing get even better as time passes, which is awesome!

Wattpad will also point out vocabulary errors, (ex. Sign=> sigh), which I also saw quite a few times, among others.

Writing Style: 4/10

I like your style. It's simple, and to the point—which means that there are no sentences to get bored with.

There is this 'I'm not like other girls' mentioned constantly, and frankly, if she's 'different' she doesn't need to keep pointing that out. Show with actions, don't just repeat that over and over.

Improving your grammar will also serve to help re-write some of your sentences which, due to poor phrasing, could very well seem incoherent to your readers. (ex. I turned to Linda to send her "Do you what I was talking about?" look,)

In the fourth chapter you also repeat the conversation with Linda again after using a line to show a time lapse. There is no need to repeat something we read only two paragraphs up again. You could show that she is thinking over their conversation, of course, or something that she said, but don't repeat the scene when there is no need for it.

Character Development: 3/10

I adore the fact that when she found out about her step-sister's secret, she promised to keep it to herself. No persuading needed, not even after the way her sister had been acting. Just that small action shows a lot about her character and I absolutely loved it!

Maybe they get too friendly too fast afterward though?

I understand she might feel gratitude, but Tina can't just up and change her character from one chapter to another. Show a bit of a struggle there, let her get to that point while working on herself. (ex. She might keep biting back snarky remarks. Habit is tough to break so you could show that a couple of times.)

While I love your main character and her sassiness, there are times where she responds very forcibly without having to. Outside the club, for example, she didn't need to be that rude. Or:

'Yeah, I know I ignored (...) –but- (...) I don't care about what others think of me. I am who I am and I feel what I feel.'

Of course, that's part of the writing process and her character, and is completely okay! I just wanted to point out that not every other character will like that attitude, so you could add a bit conflict on that, and make her start realizing that as well as she goes. That's character development, after all.

Dialogue: 3/10

While it's fun reading about your main character talking with her friend, your dialogues seem a little forced sometimes.

They don't flow as well, and feel very unrealistic. For example:

"Good morning, Alice." The sleepy voice of my step-brother mumbled as he was coming from the staircase.

"Good to see you too, Steve." I answered while plopping on the couch, tossing my backpack behind me as a pillow and lifting my legs up.

This conversation seems very forced, even as you explained that they don't really get along, reading this feels like I'm listening in to my dad with a neighbor or something. If they don't get along, show it with action, don't just say it. For example :

"Good morning, Alice." Came the mocking voice of my step-brother as he walked down the stairs.

I just rolled my eyes, not deigning to answer as I plopped on the couch and used my backpack as a pillow. Lifting my legs up, I sent a very un-ladylike gesture his way.

Again, show don't tell.

Lastly, I noticed that your punctuation when in dialogue is a bit off.

When your characters are in dialogue, you need to know whether you need to end the sentence with a comma, or a period.

If the sentence is followed by a verbal tag, you use a comma. Example:

"You didn't leave," he whispered.

OVERALL SCORE: 25/75

I really hope that by pointing these out, I'm not discouraging you from writing in any way. I am honestly trying to help as much as I can because I believe you have a story here, and I'm sure you can make it even better; gain even more reads/votes.

Just keep writing and have an amazing day!