Your intimidating gaze kept unwanted interaction at bay and the walls you put up stopped people from hurting you.
This one guy at a party, however, was unafraid as he stared you down. To his surprise, you weren't deterred as you challenged him look...
"Can I tell you how amazing you were last night?" Tae said for the umpteenth time the next evening. He was beyond excited you had started that all by yourself without him easing you into the idea or bringing it up himself first. Maybe he would be able to cope with a little help from you, he thought optimistically.
"Stop it, you're embarrassing me" you said, you changed your answer every time, but he wouldn't stop with any.
"Why?" this is why he couldn't predict what you did, first you were bold and then you were shy.
"I don't know, maybe I am a prude" you said ashamed.
"Are you calling me a sinner?" Tae whispered huskily.
"I know that's part of a song" you said nervously trying not to think about how that tone made your heart skip a beat.
"Too bad, but it's too sweet" he sing-songed and an unruly smirk drew itself on his face. Your heart was racing.
"I'm serious, I've never done anything like this and only repulsive men have mentioned it, so maybe that's my problem" you said slightly irritated at how relentless he was, thinking out loud.
"Are you put off by me?" he asked self-consciously, his playful smile dropped at your words and his eyebrows knitted together.
You looked at him furrowing your eyebrows, you could never be disgusted by him, you analyzed your feelings. This was a very different situation than all those other ones you had found yourself in. You cupped one of his cheeks sweetly, stroking it with your thumb and looked at him in the eye.
"Absolutely not, I just need time" you sighed frustrated, you sounded like a broken record.
You should have gone through this much earlier in life, you thought. Then again you were mentally immature, but now you felt emotionally immature and inadequate. You were conflicted, you wouldn't take it back, but his constant mention of it was making you uncomfortable. After that, your boyfriend left you alone.
At first you felt relieved, but guilt followed when he became quiet and looked guilty himself. It was that same kicked puppy feel you got when you pushed him away when you were overwhelmed by his attempt to make out with you the first time.
The feeling he got when he felt rejected or like he had pushed you too far by focusing more on impulses than his head, none of which were the case this time. He had just wanted you to know how good he felt, so you'd hopefully do it again.
He wanted anything but to make you uncomfortable and he felt terrible when he did without meaning to. After a long silence, he placed his hand over yours.
"What did they do to you?" he asked softly and full of concern.
"What are you talking about?" you asked looking at him confused. Tae frowned and looked at you carefully, unable to read you. Maybe he did need to know the details of whatever they had done to you in order not to make you go through these moments.
"Men" he said simply. You nervously brushed your hair and tucked it behind your ear.
"Who cares? Why does it matter?" your shaky voice was evident. He carefully looked at your expression, but wasn't able to get anything from it once more.
"I just want to make sure I don't hurt you" he finally said. You laughed humorlessly just thinking about it all and your blood started boiling.
"Rejection apparently means I'm some sort of whore that's secretly playing hard to get. Apparently having a right to say no is unheard of" your sarcastic tone brought him back to the day you met.
"The insistence after saying no is unnerving and they just get more aggressive instead of backing off. They've tried to kiss me, to touch me, to take me to their beds without even caring to know my name" you spat angrily.
"They gross me out when they look at me lustfully and tell me I make them horny not even two words into a conversation" your face contorted in aversion, you were livid.
"When they try to rub themselves against me out of nowhere or grope me as if that would make me find them attractive somehow. I just want to kick them where it hurts so they'll leave me alone once and for all" you were scowling now as you stared at nothing, clenching your teeth.
"Everything sexual in my head is filthy and associated with careless, lecherous bastards who don't give a rat's ass about love and just want to satisfy their needs, disguising them as caring" you locked eyes with your boyfriend who was shocked into silence, his eyes wide, and your gaze softened significantly.
"I've never known anyone who cared about me for me instead of for whatever they thought about how I look" this phrase hit Taehyung hard.
When he initially became an idol, he was very open and friendly, but he soon realized many people wanted to be friends with him for the wrong reasons. Maybe it wasn't about romantic love, but it was about being accepted for your image rather than who you are.
Tae had the impulse to tell you he loved you for you, but the word 'love' stopped him in his tracks. It suddenly held a lot more meaning than when it was carelessly thrown around on daily basis.
He had told people he loved them in all sorts of ways and he meant it. He loved ARMY, he loved his hyungs, he loved his family and friends. But those were all different kinds of genuine love.
He licked his lips nervously feeling the need to reassure you, but he didn't know how to phrase it in any other way that sounded like it mattered as much as it did.
You needed love, you didn't need to be liked, accepted, understood, validated, you didn't need him to relate or be patient, you needed to be loved. A lump formed in his throat and he swallowed hard.
He did love you, in some way, but he wasn't sure in what way. The only thing he was sure about was that it was unlike the others. He realized he was scared, he didn't know what to say.
What you told him had been intense and he suddenly felt crushed by the pressure of everything that had ever happened to you.
He had felt happy that you had let him in, that you took him as your first boyfriend, but now it felt like a huge burden. Taehyung panicked and found a reason not to stay over that night.
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You weren't counting on him being the one to freak out, were you? 😏
