@liltracy: foods ready come in the kitchen ✵✵✵✵✵ NEXT DAY ✵✵✵✵✵ spending the day with eliza was actually pretty nice. we watched a few movies and ordered food, and we smoked and then we fucked. we got to know each other a little better too. i found out she's got an older sister, she's planning on adopting a cat, she went to community college for a business degree, we have the same music taste, and some other shit.
it's 8:57pm right now and i just looked at tracy's comment and snorted before rolling out of bed and strolling into the kitchen. on the table in front of me was a pasta dinner.
"jazz, i never knew you were such a housewife," i purred jokingly, and he sucked his teeth at me and told me to shut the fuck up and to eat my food. and with that i did. we ate in a comfortable silence until he opened his mouth to ask me a question while he was chewing, which he knows is my biggest pet peeve.
"so, i never got to ask you how yesterday was with eliza." he said with a mouthful of food making me cringed.
"jazz, at least swallow your damn food before you ask me a question for fucks sake." i sighed. he muttered an apology before pausing to swallow and then asking again.
"it was alright. we just chilled and got to know each other a little more. but i don't know man, i just feel like what eliza and i had before was really good. what if we fuck it up by becoming friends? jazz i don't think i'm ready to let her in. you're literally my only friend and i don't even give a fuck because you're the only person i trust, and i'm not prepared to just give that up to someone else yet."
"gus, letting people in ain't always such a bad thing. who knows, eliza could actually be the one," i shook my head violently when he said that. "alright look man, don't stress it. if you don't think it's a good idea then don't do it. but just don't play her." he shrugged.
"me? when have i ever played someone?"
"nigga, you want a list?" he deadpanned, and i went quiet, because he was right. i did have a history of breaking hearts, a very long history at that. ever since i was 12 i was fucking with girls' emotions and i never gave a fuck. it was just something i did just to do.
we ate the rest of our food in silence before i walked back into my room and laid on my bed on my stomach.
my phone went off and i pulled it out of the pockets of my sweatpants and stared at the notification on my locked phone.
Eliza: wanna link? delivered
i didn't want to just ignore her, because her company would actually be pretty nice right now, but i don't want to let her in. and if i really think about it i don't have to necessarily let her in but i just can't stand the thought of her weaseling her way into my world.
so, i did the only thing that i knew would calm my anxiety, i opened my bedside drawer and took out the baggie filled with xanax i had and popped two, waiting for the effects to kick in.
about an hour later my phone buzzed again.
Eliza: is that a no? delivered
i didn't bother responding especially since for some reason i was so tired from the xanax, so i just rolled over and fell asleep.
(italics are for gus's dream)
"i love you, gus," eliza whispered to me as she ran her fingers through my hair with my head in her lap.
"i love you more, forever and always." i replied to her while rubbing her knee.
"then why'd you cheat on me?"
i froze and my whole body tensed up and i was sure eliza could feel it too, so i sat up abruptly and looked her in the eye. "what are you talking about?"
"i know what you did with layla the other night. did you think i wouldn't find out?" she glared at me.
"baby, i-"
"don't you dare call me that right now."
"eliza, i don't know what she or what anyone else told you but it's not true. i love you. you're my everything. i don't want nobody else but you, can't you see that?" i pleaded.
"i mean, what am i supposed to believe? you don't even let me in. you know practically everything about me but it's as if i'm a stranger to you. i'm trying to make this work gustav, i want to so badly but how am i supposed to trust you when i feel like i don't even know you?" tears began forming in her eyes and i could feel the world crashing on me.
"eliza i didn't cheat on you. i swear on everything i didn't do it. you have to believe me," i was just about ready to drop to my knees and clasp my hands together to beg her.
"gus, i gotta go. i'll be back to pick up whatever i left here sometime this week." and with that the love of my life walked out of my life probably for good.
i started bawling. i can't believe this shit. i sat on the floor at the foot of my bed and began pulling at my hair, crying my eyes out as a full blown panic attack overcame me.
i managed to crawl to over to my bedside drawer and opened it and yanked out the baggie of xanax, downing i don't even know how many, maybe 6, 10, 12, i just wanted to stop feeling for a while, but it wasn't until the effects started kicking in that i genuinely realized that i took way too much. i was dizzy, i could feel everything in my body beginning to shut down, my vision was blurry and everything was moving in slow motion.
with my heart pounding in my ears i tried to stand up to go to tracy's room to get help, but then my ears started ringing and i collapsed, and everything went black.
i woke up in a cold sweat and was wondering why it was so hard to breathe before realizing i was hyperventilating. after taking some deep breaths and popping a xan i checked my phone and saw that it was 4:36am, so i sparked a joint and decided to just chill out for a while.
but that dream though, the fuck did it mean? i couldn't stop thinking about it. almost every single dream i've ever had i've forgotten it when i woke up and right now i wish more than ever that this one could've been one of them.
"it was just a dream," i whispered to myself. "nothing more, nothing less."
i finished smoking my joint and ran my hands through my hair, and tossed and turned for another 40 minutes before finally falling asleep. ✵✵✵✵✵ hi babies!! this ones a little shorter it's jus a filler chapter. writers block is rough. good stuff coming soon!!
how do you guys feel about an instagram post in the beginning of each chapter? lmk!!
