Nathan Marsh's State of Being

Chapter Fifteen

A rare, full blush hit my cheeks and I frowned. I went back to my textbook I'd been reading for class before he'd come home as his laughter disrupted the quiet of the room.

I was glad for the noise.

I only wished it didn't sound so captivating.

*************

"I think I'm totally fucked," I said to Harley as I sat down next to him at lunch.

The dining hall was full and loud.

It had been three weeks since Noel had come back from his parents' place. We had hooked up with a woman once for each of those weeks. Every time, it was someone new. Every time, Noel touched me more--steady hands lingering on my back, my thighs, hips--staying just barely inside the lines of being too intimate with me. His presence made me dizzy, and I couldn't get enough of the feeling.

"I could have told you that a long time ago," Harley said. "In fact, I think I actually did."

He was in a bad mood again. Lately it seemed like almost every other day he was pissed off about something. Today, I needed him to just listen to me.

"Dude, for real," I snapped. "I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop wanting him."

"You never should have let things get like this," Harley lectured, tone turning condescending.

I huffed. "No fucking shit, thanks for telling me what I already know."

"Look, I don't know what you want from me, Nate. I've got my own shit I'm dealing with."

"You're a selfish jerk, Sinclair."

"You kidding me? You're mooning over Noel left and god damn right." He angrily dropped his fork onto his plate with a clatter. "It's obnoxious. If you like the dude just tell him and get it over with."

I scowled angrily right back at him. "Like you did with Dante in high school?"

"Shut the fuck up."

Harley's answer was immediate, and he looked furious. If it were any other time I would have felt bad about what I said. But today I was too upset to apologize.

"No, you shut the fuck up. You know damn well I can't just tell him I'm starting to like him. It'll ruin everything. "

"Jesus Christ. Not telling him just makes you feel like shit forever anyway, so you might as well take the risk. I would know. If you get your heart ripped out then join the fucking club." Without warning, Harley got to his feet and slung his bag over his shoulder. "I gotta go."

I stared at him with wide, disbelieving brown eyes. "You're seriously leaving right now?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you give me a headache."

I made a face at him, feeling deeply offended. He simply walked away from me, taking his food with him.

If I had to bet, I was sure he was just going to find another place to sit and eat without me. I frowned, feeling more upset. Was I really that bad? I just wanted to talk about my mess of a life with my best friend. Since when was that a crime?

Sighing, feeling somewhat defeated, I looked down at my plate and began to eat in silence. I drowned out the sounds of everyone around me and scrolled mindlessly through my phone.

I saw a picture that Corian posted of her and Andrew smiling brightly somewhere on their campus. Sunshine hit their faces as Andrew had his arms around her shoulders, holding her to his chest. She was wearing a UPenn sweater and she was squinting at the camera.