Nathan Marsh's State of Being

Chapter Six

hopeful

I pulled back from one last lingering kiss on Kenna's full lips. I stood from her bed and picked up my jeans. She propped herself up on her elbows, grinning lazily at me.

Both of us were complacent and more sober than we had been before we'd had sex.

At first, it felt odd. It had been a very long time since I'd been with anyone but Jason, and her feminine, soft body was the total opposite of what I was used to. But after a few kisses and touches, it all came back to me and I remembered how different in a good way it felt to sleep with a woman.

"Tonight was fun," I told Kenna, meaning it. Spending the evening with her had made me feel lighter than I had been recently. Her cheeks were flushed from our activities and the glow she had made me smile. She was so pretty.

Kenna chuckled and laughed, the sound sweet in the air. "It was. You're a pretty good dancer too."

I buttoned my jeans and pulled my shirt on over my head. Kenna pulled the flat sheet over her naked form and dropped her head back onto her pillow.

As I headed to the door, she called out, "We should do this again sometime."

I stopped, grinning at her. "That'd be great. Wanna get coffee after class sometime?"

I was confused when her face fell but then her words made everything clear. "Actually, Nate, I mean more like hooking up."

"Oh," I said, feeling stupid. My head felt light again, reminding me how much I'd had to drink. Probably too much if I thought someone like Kenna was interested in dating me. "Right, duh."

"I'm sorry," she said quickly. Her smile was so genuine. Innocent. "I'm just not looking for anything serious. Sex is more my speed right now..."

I shook my head, pushing down the feeling of rejection. I gave her a wide smile and she looked more relaxed. "No, totally, I get it. Hit me up when you're in the mood, then."

Kenna nodded, more cheerful. "I definitely will. See you on Tuesday."

I slipped out of her door and regret followed me all the way from her dorm building and back to mine on the opposite side of campus. The midnight air had a slight chill in it, reminding me that fall was upon us.

I sighed heavily on my trek home, kicking rocks out of my path every now and then. Even at 1 a.m. the campus was still relatively lively considering it was a Friday night.

I thought about Kenna's words. I couldn't blame her for wanting to keep things casual. Once, that was all I'd wanted too. But ever since Jason, casual didn't sound as fulfilling. I missed having someone who I could talk to on an intimate level. I had friends, yeah, but it wasn't the same as having a partner who they and you both put your all into building something meaningful.

Then again, my partner apparently hadn't put his all into it.

I was bitter by the time I got back to my room. And I was slightly disappointed when Noel wasn't there. I felt lonely.

I laid in bed for a while, staring up at the ceiling in the dark, wondering what my friends were up to.

I wondered where Noel was. I wondered if Rex got to play beer pong like he'd been jabbering about half the walk to the party. I thought about whether or not Harley and Dylan just stood talking about lame Star Wars shit all night or if they found someone to hook up with too.

Knowing Harley, he didn't. He wasn't that kind of guy, never had been. He was the type to invest in a relationship, in a person. I'd never been interested in Harley himself, but I'd always wished I had someone who cared the way he did about who he was with.