Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: You're My Light

My mind unconsciously shifted to the things dad said earlier.

It should be:

My mind unconsciously shifted to the things Dad said earlier.

And finally, run-on sentences. When you have two independent clauses joined together (those are clauses that could be independent sentences on their own) by either a comma or nothing at all, it's a run-on sentence. Here is an example:

My feet were bare and I also noticed my grey t-shirt and jeans were replaced by a white elegant lacy dress that draped upon my knees, the intricate design of the sleeves came down to my wrists.

'My feet were bare and I also noticed my grey t-shirt and jeans were replaced by a white elegant lacy dress that draped upon my knees' could be a sentence on its own, and 'the intricate design of the sleeves came down to my wrists' could also be a sentence on its own, and yet, they are joined together by a comma. Thus, you've got a comma splice. They should be separated by a period, semicolon or em dash to make it grammatically correct. 

Characterisation: 3/5

Adelle is one gorgeously comedic protagonist. Right from the very start, where she compares her father's look of malice to 'looking at me as if I asked for his kidney', I knew we were off to a great start. She makes an engaging protagonist and is very easy to relate to. Well done! She has great banter with the very sarcastic Nathan, and I think their dynamic works well with one another.

I did, however, find that Adelle's character sometimes stretched a bit too far for the sake of being funny. For example, in that first chapter, when her brake stops working and she's literally having a car accident and rammed into a tree, and there's blood coming from her face, the whole 'Great! It's bleeding!', while funny, just removed intensity from the situation. A climactic moment – which is literally life-changing for her – shouldn't be glossed over like that.

She's about to lose consciousness, her head has hit the steering wheel, and glass literally showers over her head. That's painful and scary. What would it feel like? Describe the pain, and immerse the reader by making us feel it with her. Make us see that this moment is pivotal – I know Adelle is funny, but there is no need to force it every moment, especially in moments as dire as this.

I was also surprised that she took so long to think about her parents – like it was after she had woken up to the burnt pancakes and drank the cereal with blood. I kind of wish she did it a bit earlier than that, towards the start – just a brief thought before moving on, for the sake of realism.

Also, you tend to tell a lot more than show when it comes to characterisation. For example:

I was shocked yet happy that maybe my chances of survival grew.

Okay, describe it – what does that feel like? Compare the joy or the shock to something, or give us a brief description of what we would be feeling in her position. Tight throat? Feeling light all of a sudden? Enveloped in warmth? 

Writing Style: 3/5

There were some moments where the writing was nothing short of brilliant. I loved the way you handled Adelle going into her memories – where you describe her having to fight back when the dark place tries to suck her in, and the way she has to calm herself with the deep breaths. It shows a strength of character, and the description of the oozing darkness is brilliant.

I wish you carried that throughout the rest of your story – especially when describing settings and objects. I know you showed that picture of the car, saying that you couldn't describe it, but I encourage you to practise and give it a go. Show us exactly why Adelle was so deadest on a new car – a choking engine? Tatty windows? Greasy handles? Flaking paint? By showing us and making us understand her distaste towards the car, we'll immediately be able to connect with her.

Also, you have to be careful when you're in first person – your character narrating the story cannot read the mind of the other characters in the story. For example:

"Why did you come upstairs?" He raised his eyebrows, wondering what I was talking about.

Adelle has no way of knowing that he was wondering what she was talking about. She can make a guess, but there's no sure way of knowing. Thus, it is safer to write:

"Why did you come upstairs?" He raised his eyebrows, no doubt wondering what I was talking about. 

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

You really started this story on a high note, with a car accident following an argument with her father. And I have to admit – I absolutely loved the moment where she realised she couldn't feel her heartbeat. I think that was such a powerful moment, so well done on emphasising that so well!

I also enjoyed that there's more to the story than initially let on – it wasn't just some car accident and bits of glass that had her near-dying, but witches are tied into it and may have performed their darkness spells as a weapon on her. Which brings me onto my next point – there are so many amazingly unique elements of your story, like the witch-vampire mating, which can either be hellish or not, with no in between.

In fact, there are so many captivating elements in your story – a book that writes stuff as it happens without an author? Awesome. The whole concept of her having wings? Great – I especially loved that you didn't make it easy for her, and that she has to properly think about what the wings feel like if she wants to summon them.

So many great concepts, but you need to remember that your character is being thrown into it, so you should avoid normalising it so quickly. Like, when there's blood added to pancakes for the energy boost, or like, literally eating cereal with blood, it felt a little disconnecting to see Adelle enjoy it so quickly and feel so happy and comfortable with it. For that layer of realism, I think you need to ease the reader into it with Adelle by making her a bit more hesitant with the foreign concepts and not make her jump straight into it.

Also, don't gloss over moments that could be meaningful for character building and relationships! For example:

Nathan and I talked about our hobbies and interests. He told me he liked to play baseball, enjoyed rom-coms just like me, likes to read books, unlike me, and was a big fan of Shawn Mendes. However, I told him that Camilla Cabello was better than Shawn, he wouldn't listen to me. So we agree to disagree.

Don't tell the reader that when it could be an entire scene. Flesh it out for us – let us see them talk, let us see the banter and the comedic dialogue. Let us fall in love with their characters by showing us how they speak and interact. Don't just tell us about the moments. Write it out as they are happening.

Nonetheless, I'm very excited to see where the story is headed now – especially now that we have Alan and his wife brought up, with his wife being a witch (nice foreshadowing – I do remember you mentioning Alan in an earlier chapter when Nathan was complaining about his 'boss'!). Adelle being Alan's child is a nice way to throw in the conflict, and I'm intrigued to see if her sister will be showing up and whether she will be on the good side or not. Keep up the good work!

OVERALL SCORE: 15/25

Overall, a fascinating story with so many original concepts. Make sure you work on keeping your tenses consistent and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!