Arlo

12.

Guilt; disgusting, vile and overwhelming guilt. That's all I am feeling as I slide the starched white dress shirt over my shoulders. Nauseating, head pounding, tear inducing guilt is all that I can focus on as my mother smiles up at me. "I need to get out of here. I need to see Alita." I rush out, digging the heels of my hands into my eyes. "You will soon, sweetie; now stop fussing about and let me do your tie." She scolds. I sit on the chaise lounge, head hung in my hands as I stare at the polished black shoes on my feet. "Mom, I did something." I mutter into the quiet. "Arlo—" "I did something so bad." I whisper, heart shattering as I envision the woman that I love preparing to marry someone that she thought she could trust with her heart. "What've you done?" she asks, voice hard and face even harder. "I made such a mistake." I choke, shaking my head as I tear my hair out of my scalp, hoping to erase the feeling of her fingers there. "Arlo Edwards, what did you do?" she demands, hands on her hips, chest heaving with angry breaths. "I—" "You fucking piece of shit!" Jessie storms in, chocolate eyes blazing. "How could you?! What the fuck, Arlo?!" he shouts, hands balled into fists at his sides. "I don't know! I got overwhelmed and she just—" "Arlo, you didn't." the disappointment in my mother's voice is what breaks me, what breaks the weak dam I had been building. Ugly, guilty tears pour down my face. "She's never going to forgive me." I gasp, tugging at my hair, again. "Rightfully so." Jessie huffs. "I'll go get her." My mother voices, face one of mourning and voice desolate. I run my hands down my face, attempting at ridding it of any tear tracks. "I told you not to fuck this up, I told you. I love you, but I hope that this lives with you for the rest of your life." Jessie sighs, shaking his head as he takes his leave.

She looks breathtaking with her hair styled into flawless curls pinned on the top of her head, with the light makeup that is dusting her skin. I feel bile rising into the back of my throat at the look of elation on her face. "What's going on, Smiley?" she asks, a nervous smile on her face. "Fuck, Lita, I think you should—" "You cheated, didn't you?" she cuts me off, swallowing hard as her eyes gloss over. I choke on a sob that I don't deserve to even have. I put my head in my hands, nodding my head. "Who was it?" she exhorts, voice quiet and even, no warmth in her tone. "Bra—" before I can even finish her name, Alita is gone, slamming the door on her way out. She left without a word to anyone, leaving me to be the one to break the news. I'm the only one left, standing on the steps of the church as my mother's leaves, shaking her head as she does.

I attempt at calling her as I head back to her apartment, needing to talk to her even though I know I don't deserve to. She never answers, sending me straight to voicemail each time. When I do get to the apartment, the guilt swallows me whole then spits me back out as I hear her sobs. I make my way towards the bedroom, my own tears spilling as the memories that we'd shared flood my mind, assaulting me the closer I get to her and the louder her sobs become. I rap my knuckle on the wood, feeling that I have no right to be here. Adonis opens the door; hatred and rage color his eyes. "You need to leave." He spits through his teeth. "I need—" "To leave." He repeats, not even allowing the door to open enough for me to see her. She's trying to muffle her anguish, but I hear her choked breaths and the whimpers that escape her. "Alita, baby—" "No, you lost the right to call her that. You lost the right to even be in her presence when you wanted to give another woman what you gave to her." His words hold such venom and I find myself wishing that I could feel their poison coagulating my blood. She surprises both of us when she ducks under his arm, looking me straight into my eyes and sending her blade even deeper as she forces me to witness the pain in her eyes. "Leave. I'll send your stuff to you." She chokes out, tears spilling out of her eyes in endless streams. "Can I please talk to you?" I plead, seconds away from getting on my knees. "What is there to say, Arlo? This is exactly why I fought against my feelings for you for all those years; because I was afraid that if we ended badly that I would lose my best friend. Why did you do it?" she implores, eyebrows scrunching together in anguish, voice cracking in her pain as her tears bleed further. "I wish I had an excuse, Lita. I wish I did." I whisper. "Then, we have nothing to talk about. Adonis, can you take me away, please?" she begs, wrapping her arms around his middle as he ushers her out. "Be gone by nightfall." He orders, tossing one more disgusted look in my direction before leading her to safety.