Hermitcraft Oneshots

Self Defense From Food - a Class by Grian

Grian: Regular and glistening?

All: Yes!

Grian: All right then, baked potatoes

(All sigh.)

Grian: We haven't done them yet, have we? Right. Potatoes. How to defend yourself against an individual armed with a tater. Now you, come at me with this potato. Catch! 
(Throws a potato at Mumbo who fumbles with it)
Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a person armed with a potato. First of all you force them to drop the potato; then, second, you eat the potato, thus disarming them. You have now rendered them helpless.

Iskall(Raising his hand): Suppose they've got more than one?

Grian: Shut up.

Ren: Suppose they've got a stick?

Grian: Shut up. Right now you go, Mr. Bumbo

Mumbo: Mumbo

Grian: Sorry, Mumbo. Come at me with that potato. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! 

(Throws a trident and stabs him when he gets close)

Mumbo: Aaagh! (dies.)

<XisumaVoid: Class going well then?>

Grian: Now, I eat the potato. (Does so.)

Iskall: You stabbed him! (laughing)

Scar: He's dead!

Ren: He's completely dead!

Grian: I have now eaten the potato. The deceased, Mumbo, is now helpless.

Iskall: You stabbed him. He's dead!

Grian: Well, he was attacking me with a potato.

Scar: But you told him to.

Grian: Look, I'm only doing my job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against food.

Ren: And sticks!

Grian: Shut up.

Iskall: Suppose I'm attacked by someone with a potato and I haven't got a trident on me?

Grian: ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................Run for it. 

Scar: You could stand and scream for help.

Grian: Yeah, you try that with a carrot down your windpipe.

Scar: A carrot?

Grian: What? Where? (Looks around in alarm)