This Time

The Letter

Dear Tharn,

Hi love, as soon as you read this, I am most likely already in China or the airplane already took off. That's right, I left to China. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you that I'm leaving, well, since I ran away when we had a quarrel and when I came to the house, you were already asleep. To be honest, I went to the house in the midnight, purposely. It's funny how even you're sleeping, I find you attractive.

When I first met you, on that day, A tanned skin but handsome guy opened the door. I'll be honest with you, I found myself attracted to you but I kept it inside since you have a child and I was thinking you probably have a wife or a husband that you really love and that made me feel a little sick in the stomach. And when you speak, you just made yourself more attractive. When I spend time with Kamon, I found myself falling more to his cute little charms. And I said to myself, how lucky you are to have him as a son and vice versa. Time passes by and I found myself falling for you. Your smile became my addiction. You may not know this but seeing you smile makes my day. Your voice became my music. I could listen to it every day. I fell in love with your personality, your handsome looks and Kamon were a bonus. When you text me, I want you to know that I'm always smiling. I fell in love with you and your little things. But I couldn't tell you what I feel because I'm afraid that you don't have any feelings for me. And you also have responsibilities with Kamon, and I was thinking maybe you don't have any time for love but no. You confessed me that you love me. I was shocked of course and I was happy. To think that you have the same feeling as I am, makes my heart flutter. You said you were afraid that I couldn't accept you because you have a son but I don't care about that. I love Kamon and I would love him to be part of my life and you too.

When you became my boyfriend, I was the happiest person ever. There are other people out there that love someone but can't be with each other and to think I was together with you made me feel lucky. You made my heart flutter in every way. The way you call my name. The way you hold my hand. The way you hug me. The way you kiss me. The way you surprise me with gifts. The way you make me laugh. The way you make smile. I just love all of it.

But I found a box when I was cleaning out the house and found pictures of you and your ex. I was jealous, yes, I admit but I just shrugged it off because I believed that you love me and there's no way that you still have feelings for you ex, right? I trust you. But when your ex came, I saw you how your expression showed you were uneasy and disappointed but when Tar explained that he got cancer and that he's parents lied, your face immediately soften. I didn't know what to do back then. I felt a little jealous seeing you happy with him and Kamon, you know why? Because the smile you gave to Tar was a smile that you never gave to me. Your smile for him was special. I bet you didn't hear me when I said I'll be going to our room. I cried in the bathroom that time, of course you didn't know. I felt my heart shatter more when I came out and you three were gone. You didn't even let me know where you are going. Weeks past and you were hanging out with Tar more and I realize how perfect you look. You, Tar and Kamon. Your family was complete. The last perfect piece. As they say, 'Don't force pieces that don't fit', and I kind of relate that to myself. I was never the perfect piece for your perfect family. I feel hurt every time you take care Tar, every time you smile at him and me? I was just looking at you. I feel hurt everytime you cancel on our dates just to be with Kamon and Tar. There were times when you would sleep together with Tar and Kamon because Kamon requested it and I'm left all alone. You may not know this but I cry, every night. I bet you didn't notice that right? I was lonely. For those weeks, I may smile Infront of you every time you come home with Tar but inside I died a thousand times.

I have sleepless nights, endless tears. I didn't even know I could have this much tears in my body. Everytime, I was left all alone, I was afraid. I was afraid that it'll be like this all the time. I just wished you'd look for me and ask me on a date, hold my hand, anything, I just want to be with you, even just a minute. I just wished you'd look at me and hug me. My friend said once that 'no matter how busy you are, you will always give time for the one you love', i guess you don't love me that much or you didn't love me in the first place.

I'm sorry for being not good enough. I'm sorry if I have shortcomings. But I want you to know that I love you very much. I didn't regret anything in our relationship. I gave you my all. I gave you my everything and I didn't regret that. My happiness is you even though I'm not yours. You're the reason I smile even though I'm not yours.

Well, I guess I should stop writing now, this letter is getting long. You're my favorite hello, and my hardest goodbye. This is really hard for me but I have to leave. I love you.

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