Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Authored By You

He didn't push the matter, he was happy instead.

Those two parts, joined by a comma, are both independent clauses because they could work as sentences on their own. Hence, you've got yourself a comma splice. To fix the issue change the comma to a stronger form of punctuation – either a full-stop, em dash, or semicolon. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

I think the star of your story was the character development. We have our William, who acknowledges how arrogant and rude he may seem – and once he travels to the past, he starts thinking about the more affection moments he had with Eliza, and begins to develop and grow as both a person and a partner. There was that beautiful moment where he realised that he may have lost her, and he snapped at Harvey – worrying about his baby that may have been killed and his missing wife, their love and marriage disappearing in thin air. That was such an impactful moment, because this man literally went from wanting a divorce to hoping desperately that she would be his.

Eliza, herself, was intriguing to read – I love the contrast between the Eliza we see from the 'future', all perfect and pleasing and sweet. And then we have our rebellious party animal in the past, and I will never get over the irony of her insulting him and asking about his wife, while me, as the reader, is pulling my hair because she is the wife.

There were a few things regarding characterisation that I thought could be brushed up a bit. There's quite a lot of telling happening instead of showing, but I'll talk about that in the next section. For now, let's talk about introducing characters. Let's look at our description of Charlie and William, shall we, in the first chapter?

Charlie was a short, brown-haired guy in his early thirties, a few years older than William who was nearing the age of twenty-eight soon. Charlie had a moustache that covered his upper lip completely and his small eyes were nothing compared to William's bright blue ones. Charlie's face was round and he had a pleasant aura that engulfed him, but William was different.

Its always refreshing having a strong description of the characters. However, the issue is that they aren't doing anything – there is no action to back it up, no setting for us to ground ourselves. For example, when we're watching a movie, we don't just see the face of a character for a long time. We see them as they are doing something. There is some sort of instant movement that draws us in.

While literature is different, it still needs that drive – that instant movement or setting that holds us as we slowly learn about the characters. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I mentioned that you do a bit of telling instead of showing, and sometimes, this could make the reading lose its fluency because it feels a little awkward and clunky. Here are some examples from your story:

"Why Papa?" her rudeness made him sad.

First of all, 'her' should start with a capital letter as it isn't a dialogue tag. But also, why not describe that sadness for us more to immerse us into your character. What does sadness feel like or look like? If we were in his shoes, what would we feel? Or if we were in Eliza's shoes, what would we see? Would he flinch back? Frown? These small moments of showing help make your characters that little bit more distinct, because it gives them idiosyncrasies that separate them from the other characters.

And when Harvey brings up the time-machine:

William was getting upset.

More. Give us more. Show us his internal thoughts and feelings and help us understand exactly what about the entire situation is making him upset. Show us how that feelings, and show us how he reacts to it physically.

Also, try not to be overly 'verbacious' (that's a word I've made up) with your sentences. If you can succinctly summarise something with one word, don't use four words for it. For example:

"I think that should be enough," Lorna voiced her suggestion.

It sounds more polished to just write:

"I think that should be enough," Lorna suggested. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

Okay, so I simply adore the time-machine. Because, instead of it being some big and elaborate device, it's literally just a mason jar of fireflies. That alone just made me love the concept of it.

There's a lot of really nice echoing within the story, too. Like, when he first meets her in the past, the line she has written on the paper is "the only aim in life – to be worth staying for", which I think reflects a lot of Eliza before we get to know her after that moment. I also noticed that he called her Little Witch in the first chapter, and he referred to her as that again as they're having a final moment together before he leaves her (for six whole years – time travel, man!). And naming their daughter Cassandra? A lovely way to tie things together.

Which reminds me, the story from her father was such a mic-drop moment where we find out what he did to her mother and his student, and the haunting truth about how, when he brought them back, one had been brought brain-dead and the other on the brink of death. That moment added a whole new layer of suspense to your story, which was already full of questions about how William would get back. I loved seeing the story expand, with the introduction of Noah, and how every moment in the story seemed to tie back into amending mistakes. Really great work!

The overall plot is cohesive and full of beautiful development. There were only a few moments that I really questioned, the first being that big chapter where Eliza's father just spoke the entire way through about the time-machine and everything that happened with his student and wife. I wonder whether having it all as dialogue is the most impactful manner to do that? Or perhaps show it to us in a collection of scenes so that we can feel the chill ourselves of that student being found brain-dead? Or, if you're going to have it as just a massive chunk of dialogue, pepper it with description of the character speaking, the characters listening, to make it less of exposition through dialogue? Just a suggestion.

Also, there were just other moments which I would have loved to see more of to expand of characters! Like when Eliza and James go to paint graffiti on the wall of William's home – imagining turning that into a scene with more dialogue, with more nail-biting tension where we see them creep around and nearly get busted and experience the way they interact with each other. I think it'd give us a better sense of understanding about the two of them, and show us that edge to Eliza that is daring and reckless.

Overall, though, I loved this story a lot.

OVERALL SCORE: 19/25

Overall, you've done a fantastic job – and congratulations on finishing a story that is so rich on character development! I suggest working on your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!