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Chapter 31: Shallow

31

Shallow

“Hey, are you mad at me?” Red asked as he suddenly sat beside her. 

Nicky was back at the beach, getting some air, watching and listening to the gentle splashing of the waves, sitting on the soft powder-like sand, throwing pebbles at the water, trying to make out the distant dark horizon, while trying to stay away from him.

“No, I’m not,” Nicky replied with all defiance. She was not that cold, but her voice trembled. She was thinking of bolting out on him again, but this time, she knew she just couldn’t.

“I thought we’re cool already,” Red then said, picking up a small pebble and throwing it at the water.

“Of course we are,” she replied, her voice almost caught in her throat as she watched the pebble went in the water, several feet ahead from where she last threw hers.

“Then why are you suddenly giving me the cold shoulder back there?” His voice was cool and casual.

“I was busy with the EMCEE-ing,” Nicky replied, trying her best to make her voice even. “Besides, I’m not actually that friendly, Red. Do you want me to freak you and everybody out to be all too friendly to you tonight?”

“I don’t know. But you’ve been avoiding me all night. You don’t even talk to me.” He threw another pebble. Then, he suddenly turned his head to her.

Nicky couldn’t see the pebble anymore in the black night, but after a moment, she heard the distant deep plunking sound of it breaking through the water.

“Talk?” Nicky laughed forcibly, her gaze was at the dark waters or at where the pebble could have landed. “What should we talk about? We don’t usually talk Red, do we? We’ve never been the talk buddies, are we now?”

“Well, it really looks and sounds like you’re mad at me, Nicky.”

“No,” she quickly answered. “I told you, I’m not mad at you. You know what,” she then let out an exasperated breath.  “The thing is, I’m already over you,” she said, as she finally turned to him and looked at him as impassively as she could. “There, I said it,” she exhaled another breath, and then turned her head back to the sea. “Glad to finally put it out in the open.”

Red looked at her quizzically. From the corner of her eyes, Nicky could see that he was on the verge to say something, but he didn’t. He looked confused.

“I think you were right,” Nicky hurriedly said, before he could interrupt her. “What you said at the mango tree. I’m not even sure if you remember. And maybe you don’t. But you were right. I don’t really know you that much to like you. Surely, you just see me as one of those girls who moon over you because of how,” she hesitated as she took another breath. “How cute you are—or how good you are at basketball—or how you sing so good, too. And maybe you probably think it’s funny how I could actually be like one of these girls over you. But thankfully, I got my wits back. I’m over that phase, now.”

She then turned back to him, trying to ignore how close his face was at hers, how riveting his eyes were—they seem to glow, especially under the dim yellow light coming from the lampposts that lit the beach.

Red was looking at her intently, his brows furrowing. A gust of wind billowed his hair from his face. Then after a moment, he asked, “What? What girls are you talking about?” His lips curled into a bewildered smile.

“Oh, please, don’t act like you don’t know. Hundreds of them. Probably already forming a fan club for you. Didn’t you notice them while you were singing back there?” Nicky sighed her frustration. “Wow, out of all that I said, you ask about those girls.”

Red drew a small dry laugh. He was shaking his head as he looked at her. “Well,” he said.  “All I’m getting is that you don’t like me anymore because you don’t want to be one of those girls.”

“That’s your way of putting it.”

Red laughed again, but Nicky caught the anger in his eyes. “Sometimes, you’re shallow, Nicky.”

“See. You just really think I’m one of those shallow girls.”

“That’s not what I meant. But you think those girls are shallow?”

Suddenly, Nicky could not reply. A lump was starting to form in her throat.

“Well for thinking that even made you all the more shallower,” Red continued.

Nicky felt the quick searing pain in her chest. That stabbing pain that suddenly made it difficult for her to breath. She could not even speak. She just looked at him.

“I get it,” Red went on. His shoulders sank down. “You think it’s shallow to like me, right? Because, I don’t know, maybe you think I’m shallow, too.”

“No,” Nicky finally muttered, but she doubted if he heard her. Her eyes were hurting again. “It’s not that.”

“You should really need to get off your high horse, Nicky. But maybe arrogance just suits you well.”

“No, I don’t mean to come off as arrogant.”

“You just mean to come off as not one of those girls, right?”

Nicky could not reply again.

“Don’t worry, you’re not one of those girls, Nicky. You think it’s bad they can be shallow over me. Well,” he hesitated for a while. “Well, you’re worse,” he finally said.

Nicky just stared after him, as he got up on his feet, threw another pebble at the sea, turned and walked away from her. That stabbing pain in her chest was killing her. She could take the fact that he didn’t like her, but the fact that he was angry with her, or the possibility that he could even hate her was just too much of a pain to bear.

She fought the tears that were starting to fill her eyes. She knew she was lying to him when she said she was over him. She had been trying with all her might to get over him. And she had been trying too hard to the point of using that don’t-want-to-be-one-of-those-girls card. She thought she’d come out strong and victorious. She thought she’d redeem herself from all the humiliation she had brought upon herself for liking a guy who wouldn’t even like her back. But she had never realized she’d turn out to be that selfish during the process of not letting her guard down. She was only thinking on putting up defenses from any other awful embarrassments. It didn’t even occur to her that he could get angry with her. I didn’t mean to get him upset. I was only trying not to get hurt myself.

She shook her head slowly as a biting cold breeze brushed her. A stubborn tear escaped from the corner of her eye. Maybe he was right. Maybe I really am shallow.