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Chapter 33: The Bad Guy

33 The Bad Guy

Things have gotten worse for Nicky when by lunchtime, Josh decided to stay true with John Michael's valentine game and ate lunch with her at the canteen. By then, the rumors that they were getting back together had already spread like wildfire.

"You were really pretty at prom," Josh said as they ate their lunch.

"What?" Nicky asked, completely taken aback.

"I said you were pretty at prom. I was afraid to ask you to dance, though," Josh replied. His voice was surprisingly soft and low.

"I know I should say thank you, but I'm not really sure I understand what you were trying to say, Josh."

"I just thought you were pretty at prom. I like what you did with your hair. But then again, I had always thought you're pretty."

Somehow caught off-guard, Nicky fell silent. She did not know what to reply so she just studied the look on Josh's face. He looked unbelievably honest. It baffled her.

"We really never had a good closure after the break-up, right," he then said, as he averted his eyes from hers and bent his head down. "I felt really bad for what I did. I'm so sorry, Nicky."

Nicky kept on staring at him. "For what Josh? For dumping me or for making up those silly stories of you dumping me and then embarrass me to the whole class?"

"I know, I'm sorry. Sometimes, I can't sleep at night thinking about it. It's been eating me up."

"I didn't know you also feel guilty, Josh." Nicky's voice was firm and cold.

"Nicky, I am. I was stupid. I was hurt. And I didn't know what to do. I was afraid everyone would find out you broke up with me and I—"

"You didn't want to be embarrassed, right?"

"At first I thought maybe I just didn't want to be embarrassed. Maybe I really am a jerk. But that's not all."

"You want to get even? You want revenge? You want to hurt me, too? Is that it?"

"I did. I want to hurt you because I was so mad at you, Nicky."

"Of course, you were."

"I was so mad at you because  I was in love with you."

"What?" Nicky nearly dropped her spoon.

"I liked you so much, Nicky," Josh then said. He was looking back at her now. "I never would have gone out with you if I didn't like you. I had a thing for you since first year. I'd been crushing on you for a long time. But well, you were always that girl any guy would afraid to ask out on a date. You're—I don't know—unreachable. I feel like I'm not even good for you, or you're just too good for me."

He paused and breathed. "But finally, this senior year, I worked up a nerve to get with you. And I was surprised you said yes to me. I thought maybe you liked me, too. But it was when we went out for a couple of dates that I figured you really didn't like me. And even if we're together then, you were still that girl—unreachable."

His eyes never left hers as he went on, "I didn't know why I was acting like a jerk with you and stole you your first kiss. I was flattered I was your first kiss. But now I know why I was being a jerk then. I was afraid that even if I wouldn't be a jerk, you still wouldn't really like me. And I still couldn't reach you. And I just couldn't brush off the thought that you were not not really into me. I still don't know now why you even said yes to me. But I do know I was hurt, heartbroken even, when you broke up with me."

Nicky felt her chest went heavy, like she couldn't breathe. There was that awful sinking feeling in her stomach. She hated Josh for what he did, but hearing his side of his story was something she wasn't armed for. She didn't want to believe him. Something in the back of her head kept telling her he could be making up stories again. Nice speech!