Run Away [TF2XREADER]

Chapter 17- Conversations

You had some time to yourself, and even after all that had happened you didn't feel the need to sleep. Being that you were used to being alone, you never felt terribly lonely, but this time for some reason you couldn't help but feel more alone now than you had been when you lived on the streets. You sat in bed, lying back against the wall whilst wrapping yourself in your blanket. Sighing, you brought your knees to your chest and hugged them, staring blankly into the bed's comforter. Why do I feel so alone? I was alone before, and I'm actually less alone than I was then, so why the hell do I feel like this? Maybe it's because things are so quiet? I no longer hear constant chatter and the honking of horns... but shouldn't that be a good thing? It's calmer here- well, sort of, but still. I mean, I can blame the general odd feeling I have on how new everything is, and likely also because of that weird adrenaline thing that happened. That... wasn't pleasant to say the least. Shifting to lie down on your side, you continued down your rabbit-hole of thoughts and feeling, hoping to figure something out. God, I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I let that happen! Fuck... I know Medic said it was probably just some weird adrenaline-rush-episode thingy, but I can't help but feel like that's not all there is to it. I'm probably just being paranoid or suspicious, but this is all just so fucking weird....

What if it happens again? Medic said it shouldn't though... but what if? What if it happens again, and I'm not able to get control of it? What if I hurt someone? I feel like you've already kinda done that... I know! And I feel like shit for it... but what if it goes too far? What if...

What if I kill someone?

The very idea of the possibility that you could lose control and end up killing someone process- it made you feel nauseous. The room spun around you as sweat beaded on your forehead, and you shut your eyes in hopes of making it all stop. Clutching your blanket around you, you did your best to keep your breathing steady so that you didn't end up having another panic attack. You had honestly had enough of those. As your nausea crept away, you cracked open your eyes to see that the room stopped spinning, making it so that you felt as if you could sit up again and come out of your cocoon. You huffed, rubbing your eyes and looking down at the ground. I wonder if there are meds for this. You remembered seeing people drowning their sorrows with alcohol and pills, and for some of them it seemed it worked. But you didn't want to use stuff like that, and that was mainly because of what it all did to your father after your mom died. He.... the drinking and the drugs made him do horrible things, and I really don't want to turn into something like... that. I... What if I had just stayed? What if I had just kept my mouth shut and took care of him, so that he got better? What if-

No, stop it. I shouldn't think about that stuff. What happened happened, and now I need to focus on what happens next. Shaking yourself out of your thoughts, you unraveled yourself from your blankets and went over to your desk. Sitting down in your chair, you decided to do a quick journal entry.

Everything has been so chaotic lately. While I was at breakfast, the mercenaries were being really tense, or overall were just off. After that, Spy was going to train me and he was a lot meaner than usual. Maybe it's connected to the reason why the rest of them are so uptight? But while training with Spy, I had an adrenaline-rush-thingy happen (at least, that's what Medic called it) and everything went red and I almost killed Spy. Luckily I snapped myself out of it though! But I had to be taken to the medbay, and I passed out but when I woke up and got better I got to hang out with Sniper. It was really nice of him to go out of his way to cheer me up like that. And then I got a sandwich, which Heavy made. It was really good! But I'm still scared about the whole adrenaline rush thing. I can't help but feel paranoid about it, and feel like it's going to happen again. But Medic said that it probably won't and just to not let my anxiety get to my head next time. All I can really do is hope.