if i told you | muke

45 ► I'm sorry

At one moment I was laying in Michael's lap deciding if we would go to Sydney or to New York as soon as we would end school, and at the next moment I felt like the air was gone, like someone was squeezing my throat shut.

My vision drowned into pitch black and I wanted to reach around me to grab hold of something, anything, but my body had gone numb somehow. I felt like the temperature had dropped as well, no trace of Michael was left to keep me warm in his arms. I felt like suffocating, where did he go? Why couldn't I open my eyes? Why did I feel like freezing? What was happening?

I was going insane mentally. I tried to move my body but it didn't go further than faint shaking. There was a loud buzz in my head which drowned away everything, I couldn't hear anything other than that. I couldn't open my eyes but I shook my limbs, trying to get rid of the cold biting into me. Did I die?

"Calm down."

I did an attempt to scream but it didn't come above a soft breath. I whimpered and the numbness started fading slowly and I was somewhat able to feel my limbs again. I kept shaking, I wanted to open my eyes. I felt the tears burning but I was so powerless to do anything. I wanted to sit up from my laying position but I couldn't, my body was frozen. I was terrified beyond limits, I wanted Michael. I needed Michael to hold me. I needed his voice to calm me down.

"It's okay, Luke. Just try to breathe."

A stranger. It took all of my effort to open my eyes but got blinded immediately. A cry of pain escaped my mouth, the white light burning into my head. My voice was muffled by something covering my mouth. I wanted to scream out and I tried my best but my throat felt so dry and painful that I could only let out some yelps.

I felt hands on my shoulders, probably to calm me down, but I felt so trapped and afraid that I really wanted them to go away. I wanted to turn and push those hands away but they pushed me down on the place where I laid. I only just realised it was soft, like a bed. I carefully looked through my eyelashes, not seeing anything but white again. I wanted to escape his grip and continued moving around weakly.

"Calm down, Luke. You're okay," the man repeated. I wanted to ask where I was but my throat felt incredibly dry. I coughed and tears formed again. I blinked a few times and they rolled down onto the pillow. "Have some water. Take it easy though." He removed the thing that was in front I my mouth. A straw was put in my mouth soon after and I slowly sipped, loving the feeling of hydration. I opened my eyes, this all felt too familiar. Everything was white, yet less burning than moments ago.

"Where am I?" I creaked out, still trying to catch my breath. All I could see of the man was a blurry silhouette, my vision not working properly. I felt like I hadn't moved my body in years, all stiff and filled with cramps. I heard him breathe in to answer me but suddenly I heard the door open.

"Luke?" I heard a voice, completely out of breath. The man turned around to the door.

"He just woke up, he can't have any visitors right now," the man spoke to him as he walked over to the door. I disagreed, though.

"Calum," I breathed, trying to focus on the door but I could only see their figures.

"Oh my god!" he said, running over to me past the man. I could actually feel how shocked he was, still breathing heavily as he hung over me and laid his hand on my cheek.

"Calum, where am I?" I whimpered again. His breathing didn't calm down, it got even shakier and soon I heard sniffles coming from his mouth. Why was he crying? The man walked back over to us, clearly sighing but he didn't send Calum away.

"You're - you're in hospital," Calum hiccuped, trying to gain back his breath with all he had. My eyes went wide with confusion. How could I be? I had just been lying on my couch with Michael, how could anything have happened? I blinked again a couple of time to see a bit better. I didn't have any bandages or anything like that on my body.

"What happened?"

The man, of which I knew he was a doctor now, spoke up again. "You were in a coma, Luke." What the fuck was that? Again?

"What happened?" I asked. Calum grabbed my hand and squeezed it, head hanging down and his eyes closed. There was a tear rolling down his cheek. If only I could stand up and hug him.

"You were hit by a car."

At that point I was completely disoriented. I didn't remember getting hit by a car, except for the time I got in my first coma - oh shit. Could it be the same time? Like everything after had all hadn't happened?

"How long... Have I been away?" I asked, voice trembling. The doctor sighed like he was afraid to tell me and Calum was almost sobbing again.

"Two years," Calum whispered. My eyes went wide and I looked back at the doctor who nodded. No, that was impossible. I had just been with Michael, this day even. I shook my head softly, everything going through my head being nononononono.

"What date is it?" I whispered.

"It's the fifteenth of November 2016."

"What the fuck..." I whimpered before I felt tears coming up. What was this bullshit? Then I realised that I had been hit by the car on an evening in November 2014. It was true. It had been a dream. So I did what I couldn't help doing; I cried. I sobbed and so did Calum.

"It's okay, Luke. You're back now," he squeaked through his tears.

"Calum?"

"Yes, Lukey?"

"So, I was already in this coma at new year's evening 2015?"

Michael and I's new year's kiss. It couldn't have been a dream.

Calum shook his head. "You were already 'gone' then, Luke."

That confirmed it. I had been fucking dreaming. I tugged at my hair and turned on my side to bury my face in the pillow.

"Tell me this isn't true," I squeaked. Michael was never my boyfriend, we had never even confessed our love for each other. We never went on a date and the only time we ever kissed was two years ago when he'd gotten so angry at me. We'd never kissed after that, we didn't share new year's together, it had all been a fucking dream made up by my mind. I'd finally thought something was going well in my life but had completely forgotten nothing ever does.

Calum sniffled from behind me, rubbing my back comfortingly.

"Where is Michael?" I asked. Even though it had all been a lie, I needed to see him.

"I think - I think you should rest for a bit, Luke."

"Where the fuck is he?"

He looked at me with something that looked like pity. I frowned at him, why didn't he just tell me?

He spoke up, telling me those words I remember so clearly. So heartbreaking, so intense.

"He died a year ago."

-

plot twist ayyyyy lmao