if i told you | muke

30 ► Shiver

Footsteps quickly neared me but I was too weak to open my eyes. The floor was ice cold on the bare skin of my hands and face. My eyes felt kind of weird, probably from the tears that were still running.

Someone grabbed me by my upper body and carefully pulled me off the ground and carried me before laying me on the bed again. I managed to get my eyes half open, and through the blur of my tears I saw Michael with red puffy eyes softly pulling the white covers over my body.

I immediately turned to my right so that my back faced him. I buried my face in my hands, feeling miserable. He sweetly squeezed my shoulder before I heard a sniffle and he walked back out of the room. I kept my eyes closed, unsure what to do or even what to think. I tried to process what had happened. Michael and Ashton had been in that car.

I knew it had of course not been on purpose and I knew I shouldn't be angry at them. But I couldn't help the uncontrollable feeling inside of me. It burned so badly and I felt like punching someone but was too weak to do anything so I just laid there like the fragile trembling guy I was. I wanted to run after Michael and slam him against the wall so snog the life out of him but at the same time I wanted to punch his face and never see him again. But all I could physically do was nothing. I was numb and cold.

I dreamed about the accident, reliving it all over again. The freezing midnight air, the fog, the headlights, the fear, the pain. How cold it had been and how I had felt my own blood pouring out of my body. The terrified screams in the background and the loud sirens approaching.

I dreamed about what came after, the long dark emptiness in time. Suddenly I heard a song playing in my dream. It was more like a melody, the lyrics came in a blur. I didn't know what is was from but it was acoustic and sounded like it was filled with emotions. It was really pretty. It faded into the background soon and I fell into something deep and dreamless.

-

I was woken up by footsteps over the hallways and some voices. The door of the room was closed but it was still loud enough to pull me out of my sleep. I turned my head to see the window, there was nothing more behind them than grey clouds. When I looked at the clock against the wall I saw it was already past noon.

Not long after my mum walked into the room. She had already been there a few times since I had woken up. She immediately started rambling about how excited she was that I could go home again today. She said had taken some of my clothes with her, but when she pulled a blue flannel out I got a bit confused because I didn't have one. I assumed it was probably one of my brothers'.

Mum left the room to get herself some coffee and so that I could change, so I quickly slipped myself in my skinny jeans and pulled on a tank top and the flannel. When the scent of the flannel fell over me I felt like my heart stopped, I recognised it. It wasn't my brother's. It was Michael's.

At first I was confused, because how did my mum get it? Then I remembered that he had left it in my room after I had lent him my striped sweater when it had rained so hard outside. Mum had likely found it hanging over my chair. A strange feeling tugged at my heart and it hurt because I really missed him.

I missed his arms around me and me sitting in his lap. I missed his touch, I missed everything, though yesterday I had been the one to get mad and tell him to go away. Why did our kisses always end up into something bad? It was either him or me running away right after. I had been so stupid. I shouldn't had gotten mad, it wasn't his fault, nor was it Ashton's. It had been dark and in the middle of the night when it happened and no one could have prevented this shit. Michael had already had a rough time when I was 'gone', he even went and talked to me every day.

I should have been thankful. But all I did to thank him was being rude. You're so fucking stupid, Luke. I decided I really needed to talk to Michael.