Love Me Cancer

I'm Here

@@@@@-----Riley

"Riley?" I remember that voice. Calming, soft, strong.. a voice that alway's felt safe.. I opened my eyes, to Zack stroking my hair with his eyes glisten, has he been crying? I smiled to him. 

"Zackary? You really need to get out of my dreams.. it's only hurting me worse.." Sharp pain went through my head, to me trying to breathe again. I put my hand up to my head, putting pressure to it and smiled softly. "When it hurts so much that you can't breathe; that's when you know you're still alive." 

"Riley., I'm really here, this isn't a dream."

I shook my head, laying my hand back on the bed. "You said that last time. Then.. you left me to die.." I felt tears going down my cheek. "Over.. and over again.. you said it was my fault.. you're the one that killed me over and over, not the other way around..." My body started to shake, I pushed back away from him and started to scream. "HELP! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME! HE'S GOING TO STAB ME! HE HAS A KNIFE!" I kept on yelling, trying to get free, when his arms went around me, holding me tight. I still cryed, kicking, to try and get free.

"Shh.. Riley.. I'm not going to hurt you.. You know that I'd never hurt you.. I'm really here., this isn't a dream." Zack's eyes flashed over to the left side of the bed. "You, ripped out your IV.. I'm going to have to get the nurse to put it back in.." 

I stopped moving.. and just stared.. IV? I looked around the room, to find out that I was in the hospital.. When did I get here? I gleamed back at Zackary and just stared. "Why am I here?"

Zack took a deep breathe. "Maybe you should tell me that.. I just got here about an hour ago."

I blinked my eyes a couple of times. 

Cassy. House. Zack. Lying. Lexi. Door. Stairs. Flew. Love. Me. Cancer.

I closed my eyes. "How long have I been here?"

Zack put his hand threw my hair. "About a week."

"You weren't supposed to find out.. you're supposed to hate me.. so I can die.. so I can die in pain.. For ever loving you.." 

"Riley.. you lied. Not only to me.. but everyone that's in your life.." Zack took a deep breathe. "I don't know what to believe.. I've never lied to you.. at least anything as big as this.. You've hurt alot of people.. I need to hear it from you.. why did you do it? Why did you lie?"

"To live.." I looked him straight in the eyes. "I didn't want this to come true.. I thought.. that maybe., if everyone didn't know.. It wouldn't hurt them in the long-run.. I didn't want people to worry.. to help.." Tears ran down my face. Again. "I lied so that I could stay strong.. and so long as all of you didn't know.. I could live.. for a little longer.. go., a little farther.."

"Lies may be easier to tell and hear, but they don't make the truth disappear, Riley. We'd all find out when it did happen."

"By then., I'd be gone. There wouldn't be me to help.. "

"But if you would of told us when you found out! We could of helped! We would of helped! Then you wouldn't of been here!"

"YES I WOULD OF!" I cryed out., "Don't you get it? I can't just take a pill, and all of this go away.!! Money can't buy me a new body! Nothing can help Zack! NOTHING!"

Zack stared at me, then put his head down. My head felt a little better.. but my heart.. is still tore into a million little bits.. and it's all my fault. This all is...

"Why didn't you tell me to stay with you?, I would of stayed.. I could of helped.."

"Didn't you just hear what I said?" I asked in a soft voice. I kept my eyes on him.. as he looked up. I hate seeing him like this.. but, he has to know.. from me. "Zackary.. I'm dieing.." Tears where in both of our eyes.. 

"No..." He whispered.

I nodded my head.. "No matter if I have the treatment or not.. I'm going to die." I laughed.. "Remember when we would hide from Lexi.. just to talk., the time you waited on me at my locker.. smiling saying that our friendship could work out., as long as nobody knew?.."

Zack huffed out a breath.. "Yeah.." In a soft whisper.

I smiled. "That's what It was like.. as long as nobody knew about the cancer., I could have a life., and I have to say.. it felt amazing. I hurt, yes.. but when I was with you.. all of the hurt, worrying, pain.. sickness., was just a lie. It was like when I was with the people I cared about.. the people who didn't know., I got to live a little longer.. be a teenager, all of my life.. has been bad luck., but then I met you." I laced my finger's into his. "I didn't want people to worry.. didn't want you to worry..I locked myself in my house from everyone, and I broke up with you.. wanted you to hate me., I prayed that you'd hate so that it wouldn't hurt., when I left.."

Zack shook his head. "I can't believe you'd think that.." He wrapped his arms around me. "I would never hate you, neither would anyone else. Riley.. I'd like to say I had an awesome time with Uncle Rex., but all I could think about was you, leaving you."

"Zack.. I wanted you to leave., so I could feel what it was like to lose you."

Zack let me go, and gave me a questioned look. "How did it feel?"

"Every second.. hurt, worse then the pain that was taken' over my body., I was ready to die, If you wasn't here with me."

"How does it feel now?" He asked.

"I feel.. alone., even if you're beside me., it feel's as if you're not, so I feel., hurt., and I can only blame myself.. because I'm the one who done this..."

Zack stopped me, taking his hands around my face., "Listen, Riley. I'm not leaving you.. I'm going to stay here with you until.."

"I leave you." 

"No., because you're not going to leave me.. because now I'm here.."