Fear and Fate(poly)(bxb)

Four

"It's not safe with you there," Von admits. "You can't even be yourself there."

Why would he use that against me? My breathing quickens on its own as my hands start to feel cold. I didn't even know myself until a year ago. I didn't even accept myself until a year ago. I still don't know if I do.

Von knows how I feel about all of this. Doesn't he? He looks back at me like he doesn't. He looks back at me like he doesn't even care.

"At least tell him you want to move out or something," Romero chimes in.

"No," I say.

I don't want to move out. I want to stay in the home I spent my childhood in. No matter how much I love the guys, I could never let them tear my family apart.

"No?" Von starts towards me and it still aches between my legs from hours ago. "It's not safe with you there... away from us."

"It's not safe here!" I yell but I'm backing away from him. "You have so many fucking enemies. You can't keep doing the things you're doing and not expect them to fight back. Seven was literally just abducted from right underneath us."

Von wastes no time, doesn't give me a chance to take it back. "Alright since you wanna stay there so fucking bad, go home."

"What?"

"You heard him," Romero says.

"Von, I don't want-"

"Go home," Von seethes. His glare cuts right through me from ten feet away.

No one else looks at me. L's dark eyes haven't left his computer and Romero, with toned arms folded, finds a spot to stare at on the floor. Seven is curled into himself on the couch.

His dark hair conceals his sweet, solemn eyes. He can't hide the subtle pout of his lips. Pink like his knuckles as he squeezes his knees.

I'm horrible for throwing him under the bus. I get so desperate around these men, curving for their hard muscles and jumping for their complicated commands. It's pathetic.

Keys jingle behind me and it's Kimori who offers to take me away. He flashes his bunny teeth in a small smile. I envy his obliviousness.

•••

"They're insane. Do you see how they switch up on me over nothing?" I ramble partially to myself as Kimori makes his way through my balcony door.

My father is in his room down the hall. He didn't even care to ask where I was. He already knows. I sneak Kimori in just the same.

He's wearing the all-black from our latest assignment and his piercings sparkle against the dark backdrop of his skin. He resembles the sky tonight with each of its twinkling stars. His eyes capture the vast galaxies and consolidate the constellations.

Sometimes when I'm alone with him I wish he would pounce on me how the other gang members do. And sometimes I get mad at him for not doing it. Even now he does nothing, no responses to my tangent, yet no defenses in my frilly white room. I walk away from him in silence, convinced he'll leave when he's ready or when he's needed back soon enough anyway.

Before I can plop down onto my bed Kimori speaks up. "I wish I could comfort you when you're like this... but I literally don't know what to say."

He doesn't know my father. He barely knows Von or any of the members of the gang. What more could I expect from him?

"Just you being here is enough," I say and I want to mean it.

"I brought weed if you wanna smoke out your closet."

There are beach towels stuffed under the door and the blue and white stripes dance in the wispy gray haze of my walk-in. The goal is to prevent the smell from escaping but if I was really worried I could've just done this on my balcony. I want the rebelliousness of doing it inside and the thrill of possibly getting caught.

Kimori is silent as he passes the blunt to me, who feels the nicotine after the first hit and starts holding it downwards. I'm addicted to the social aspect of smoking. The sticky green buds bond us closer together and remain something just for us.

I don't know how long Von is going to have me on house arrest this time. But the gang needs help and he can't exactly keep me here. When I exhale, I'm thinking of a plan to stand up to him.

"Shit, Mia." Kimori picks up the ash he can from the carpet and dumps it into a shoebox turned makeshift ashtray. "You're gonna light your whole house on fire."

I let him bring the box up to ash the blunt again for me. He takes it away in the same motion. My head is so light I want to lay down anyway.

"Yeah, this is that za. You shouldn't have any problems sleeping here tonight." Kimori chuckles out huffs of more smoke.

I lean forward so that I'm pressing against him in this large space, figuring if I can't smoke with him this is the next best thing. He's still laughing softly when my hands start roaming his torso. I'm surprised with how much he's letting me get away with, having snuggled so closely I can feel everything, every defined ab and how hot his skin is through his shirt.

When I touch his neck, he flinches.

"What's wrong?" There's a giggle in my voice.

He doesn't meet my eyes even when I put myself directly in his line of sight. It gives me the chance to shamelessly linger on each of his handsome features, full lips, starry eyes. But it backfires when I start to crave intimacy that much more.

"You're always so touchy," he says and it comes out as a complaint.

"Oh sorry. I'm like that with all of the guys... because of our relationship."

"I know but why are you like that with me though? I'm not fucking you."

I force out a cough and give up on trying to meet his eyes, moving back to my seat beside him compared to on top of him. "I'll stop then."

"No, you don't have to stop,"
he admits. He puts the blunt out. "It just feels weird because I'm on the spectrum you know? Just– I don't hate it. My body just has weird reactions to it."

"Does it hurt?" I'm so high.

"No, it's not that. It's just really sensitive, ends up feeling weird."

This piques my interest even more somehow. "Which part is the most sensitive?"

Kimori is the most flustered I've ever seen him. He's deciding something in his head. How much to say, how much to share. "It's probably not supposed to but it just feels... really, really fucking good."

Now I'm flustered. His delayed speaking and consistent fidgeting transferred over to me. I open my mouth and close it wordlessly.

He takes my hand in his, moves down to my wrist, and guides me to his exposed skin. His outerwear discarded in our hotbox. His skin is still so hot as he makes me move. The fabric of his sleeve rolls up under my touch and it's once I get to the base of his forearm, feather-light fingertips, and the press of my palm, that he finally speaks up again.

"If you touch my arm or something it's okay. If you touch my chest it's okay too." And my hand is there next. His slim body, smooth skin, under my touch, under his touch. "But if you go any higher, like, on my neck and ears, it's too much. I can't take it." He's squirming as he's speaking because my hands are following his directions.

"What'll happen?" I challenge the tightening grip he has on my wrists.

"I'll cum," Kimori says.

And Kimori's dick jumps visibly when I touch his ear piercings. He knows I saw it. Yet, we're both so stunned we decide to spark up again. I won't take things too far, tonight, but I'm definitely taking mental notes.