The Rise And Fall Of The Stag And The Doe

Paradise

"Sirius mate," Remus said clapping a hand on Sirius's shoulder. "You've been here for fifteen hours, don't you think it's time to get some sleep, eat something and then come back later? Marlene will understand."

"I know she will." Sirius replied rubbing his worn eyes. "But I want to stay."

Sirius sat at Marlene's bedside for hours. His stomach grumbled beneath him, urging him to go get food, but he didn't. For some reason he couldn't understand, he couldn't leave her. Sure he promised he wouldn't when they rescued her, but that surely didn't extend to the hospital wing. The longer he sat there the more he adjusted and tried to think of other things. Sirius tried to think of time he had with the boys and what he had to do in the upcoming week, but it never worked. Flashes of her laughing, of her running around the Quidditch field, of her chasing after him and James filled his head. He always admired how she smiled; her blonde hair would cup her face, and her bright blue eyes would light up perfectly to bring out her perfect little smile.

She was going to be fine. Even Madame Promfrey had said so. Marlene just needed to sleep so the healing potions could work. He knew that, but still he couldn't leave, even when everyone else could. It didn't make sense to him. Lily and Dorcas were better friends with her. James was practically related to her, and Remus dated her for a year, why did he feel like he had to be the one to stay.

And then it hit him.

He was leaning over with a yawn, when he saw her and suddenly understood what was going on. This wasn't a crush, he didn't just fancy her, he loved her. He loved how she laughed, how even though she grew up with magic she often forgot to use it even when it would make her life easier. He loved how she did everything in her power not to get mad at him and be reasonable, but how he would always get her mad enough to throw that away and just be as angry as she felt. That was when he loved her best, when she wasn't trying to be the best person, but was just showing her emotions freely and being herself. But also he loved that when no one else would have taken him in, she did without question, and still cared about his relationship with his friends.

Sirius let out a shuddering gasp and scooted closer to her. She was sound asleep, even a little bit of drool was coming out of the side of her mouth, but he didn't care. In fact he laughed and wiped it away with her blanket, before stroking the side of her face. He would never dare to do this if she were awake. It wasn't that he was afraid she wouldn't like it, it was that he was afraid what that would mean. It was different than the way he loved the guys. At the end of the day, they would always have his back whether they wanted to or not. She didn't have to do that. She could leave whenever, however she wanted. Sure Marlene knew a lot about him, and had even seen some of the worst bits, but could she handle…all of it?

He wasn't sure, but more than that he began to think about it the more he started to panic. He had been holding her hand consistently since she'd been sedated, but he dropped it now as he stood. This wasn't right. He couldn't do this. This wasn't him. This wasn't them…She needed someone else, something else. Something he could never give her, and didn't want to either. Biting his lip, Sirius stood, ran a hand through his hair and ran out of the room without looking back.

All he had to do was stay away from her, act like how he did with her last year. Then she would adapt and they would go back to the way things were. She wouldn't question it, he even could see her welcoming it. So Sirius ran away, and he didn't come back.

So when Marlene woke up, she woke up alone. She looked around expecting someone to be there, but it wasn't until a half hour later that Dorcas and Lily arrived. Marlene wasn't mad at them. She was happy that they had gotten some sleep and eaten. She didn't want either of them wearing herself thin on her account. Still she felt sad without knowing why. James, Remus, Peter and eventually even Alice came to visit her throughout the day, but Marlene still felt like someone was missing. No one told her Sirius had been there. They all figured she knew already and they all thought Sirius was just too tired to come visit her when they did.