He's My Savior

Fifteen

Shawn

Friday came and still, I was stuck in the bed.

I was also forced to speak to a therapist, and about how I was going to let myself die after a recent suicide attempt.

After another five days, being annoyed by my brother in between, I was finally allowed to go home.

Needless to say, I did feel better, but I still was pissed at the both of them.

"Where have you been?" Fuck. Nobody told her.

"Oh, uh... I went out of town for the weekend. Did some painting out on the trails." I had some drawings with watercolor... But mom hated lying. She could smell a lie from a mile away.

"How many times have I told you not to lie to me?" She crossed her arms.

"A million. I didn't want you to worry." She narrowed her eyes at me. So I showed her the bruises on my arm.

"Shawn..."

"I didn't want to worry you. I'm fine, I promise." I sighed, pulling my sleeve down. "I do, however, want to kill James and Frost for going behind my back and donating bone marrow."

"James knew?" I didn't answer her. "I'm going to kill both of you.... How could you hide this from me?"

"Because we fear, no matter what happens, it'll disappoint you and dad... Y'all never ask for much, but that fear is instilled in our heads. I took matters into my own hands," moreso, it was forced onto me, "and handled it."

"Shawn, the only thing that disappoints me is you not telling me you were sick again." I cringed at that. "Also the fact both your brother and Frost were willing to donate so you could be healthy, and you turned it down... That's what really makes me upset."

"I already spoke to the shrink... I'm not talking about it with you." The darkness was coming back... Darkness I didn't want to keep seeing or fighting.

"Shawn, you think I don't understand? I lost a lot back when I was your age! I lost everything I had at the time! I lost everyone!"

"But at least you still had all of you intact. You were never looked at like a freak." I countered her. "Nobody in this house is perfect... but don't you dare lecture me on who has the shittier past." Her gaze went cold. I had never seen such coldness in her eyes. "Every damn day, I wish I died in that fucking desert. The pain in a leg I no longer have is a constant fucking reminder that I am not your little girl anymore, that I am not the same person as I was when I left. That Shawn died the day I lost my fiancé in the car accident, and my best friends. The Shawn after that died when I was blasted out of the vehicle, only to have it land on me, dismember me, and nearly take my damn life." If looks could kill, I would have been dead, but I didn't stop. No, she had to know. "You have your own demons to deal with, I have mine. So let me do as I see fit for myself."

"Then you can go live by yourself." Her words were as cold as liquid nitrogen. "I will not be spoken to like my shit isn't near as bad as yours... Your friends died on impact. My squad mates were tortured. I was tortured. I lost my first child after my fiancé at the time passed. You think I'd be doing you a favor by letting you kill yourself? I tried to kill myself. Three times. Dying is easy. Living is hell." My dad decided it was a good time to come in. "I lived for myself. I've accepted who I am and I'm quite happy with it. Now, I suggest you do the same. Pack your shit up and get out of my house." I looked at Dad, and he was very quick to try to defend me, but Mom walked away, not hearing it.

He went after her... Not me.

Tears came to my eyes. Of course he would go try to calm her down. I was just the outcome of their love.

I only packed my clothes and medications up, going to a hotel for the night. I just went to the Marriott, since it was the closest, got a room for a week, and cried myself to sleep.

*

Pain.
Agony.
Torment.

The bomb going off. The car crushing me. The nasty infections. The rising and falling when learning how to walk again. The fear of being left all alone.

I was a sweaty, shivering mess. I always was when I was like this.

I turned on my phone, looking at the time. 3:42 am. I swallowed down the urge to puke, and went to the sink, gulping down some water, and washed my face off.

I was broken... Shattered... Unfixable.

And I didn't want to be anyone's burden.

It's why I never wanted to date. I never wanted to be with anyone, friend or significant other.

I was worthless... I had no purpose in this life.

Art was all I had and it was pointless.

By time the sun had risen, I had forgotten that I wanted to swallow the bottle of sleeping pills I had in my hands. My mind was numb.

I forced myself to shower, go downstairs for breakfast, and find an apartment.

I dropped out of college. I didn't need it... I wanted no connection to the world anymore.

I found a house in the middle of BFE, they were selling it dirt cheap. A micro-house, but it had a forest near it. Secluded... Enough to where I could be by myself.

So, I bought it.

I bought it to forget about Frost, my family, and everyone else. I didn't want to be found by anyone... I just wanted to suffer in silence.

Of course, after a week, my phone was blown up with text messages, of which, I deleted. I ignored everyone's calls.

I wanted them to think of me as I had never come home, since it was better that way... the way it should have been.

Shawn is having her issues.

I'm having mine.

Next chapter will be posted soon!